Michigan’s weather finally caught up to the right season. It is beautiful and sunny here finally!

It looks to be a busy weekend for me, yet again. This time, it’s a one day tournament in GR with Lauren and a bunch of teenage girls. But, this time I have back up! Oh yes, Shawn is finally going to see her in tournament play and my new neighbor (and quickly becoming good friend) A (her first initial) is coming with since she has nothing else better to do.

We will be up at the ass crack of dawn (about 5amish) and leaving around 6am. It’s about an hour and a half drive but I want time for construction/etc. I can’t help it. I freak out if I don’t have about a half hour leeway to be sure I can settle in etc. It’s a control thing I think (in part) but it’s the Virgo in me. I pay attention to the details! (It’s why I’m the boss at home!)

We will have a van-ful and I’m looking forward to not being stuck doing the driving. Shawn gets to do ALL of it and I can sit back and chatter with A and relax. I’m smart this time. I’m packing chairs for the gym. Last time I ended up sitting on a cold floor all weekend and was horribly stiff for about 3 days after. We are taking a HUGE cooler with stuff for us (and Logan and A). I refuse to go without my Diet Coke! A is making puppy chow for all of us and we take our required Goldfish extreme flavor blast. The girls expect it from me.

Sunday we are headed to my friend Steph’s house. Logan wants to challenge the step son in chess. He really wants to try to beat him.

As for the rest of today, time to get the house in order and get some serious laundry done. I need something volleyball mom chic

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can’t win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I’m going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what’s left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I’m going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.

[Bridge]
I’m waiting, I’m praying, realize, start hating.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
’cause I will be the death of you.

Things are crazy here!

Let’s try to start from the beginning. Yes I got the job. I did orientation and then got sent to my location. I’ve been working every other day (roughly) and trying to manage the kids schedules.

Lauren has practice W/Th from 5-7, Logan has Chess club on Th from 3-4 and my hours aren’t set yet. I’ve even worked partial 3rd shift. It totally fucks with my sleep schedule.

So, work is ok. It’s a basic mindless job with lots of small details. It’s tedious but I’m working so I don’t care. Plus, I ended up at a location that is perfect for me and I like everyone I work with. Bonus!

I’m not speaking to Lauren at the moment. I had a major meltdown Wednesday night on the way to practice. I am tired of being unappreciated. I am tired of kids that think the things they have don’t have to be earned. I’m tired of kids that don’t help me around the house. I just lost it. I complained the ENTIRE drive into town and unleashed my frustrations. (FYI her room looks like a clothing store threw up all over it, still. Its been 3 weeks!) So I said what I needed to and fell quiet. I met up with Shawn to drop off Logan and just melted down. I cried my eyes out for the better part of a half hour while he held me and tried to calm me down.

After that was over, I decided to drop into my local munch for a bit until I had to get Lauren from practice. I looked HORRID. I looked like a softball dyke, LOL! But I didn’t care. I hadn’t seen my friends in over a month and I had to get out and away from everyone. So I stopped in and relaxed a while. It helped SO much!

When I went to get Lauren, I never said a word. I’ve not spoken a word to her since Wednesday night on the drive into town. She has said a few things to me, but nothing of substance. I’ve not spoken a word to her. I have no reason to. She has had her wifi taken away, cell bill unpaid and no netbook. She doesn’t think those things are privileges, she thinks they are a RIGHT since they are her items. Well, she got a nasty wake up call when they were all taken away. I’ve put my foot down and I’m not giving in. She may not get any of her things back until school is over. I haven’t decided yet.

I’m trying to balance this weird schedule with work against being Mom and such. I’m trying to hammer out a bit of a social life too. It’s not working well. BUT!!!! I am going to the races Saturday in Buchanan with my new neighbor. She wants company and we hit it off right away so I am headed out with her (as long as I can move Saturday morning after working tonight) to go watch her bf race. Then tomorrow night, they are having a party so we are going down to hang out, NO KIDS!

Sunday, being Mother’s Day, Shawn informed me I don’t have to lift a finger all day. I can do what I like all day long. I plan on stitching 90% of the day and maybe renting the new Underworld movie for that late afternoon.

Shawn is doing all he can to help me with the kids while I transition. He’s interviewing today with a different company in an attempt to make more money. He’s been amazing and I am so glad he is as understanding as he is.

Sadly, I can’t sit here and keep posting. I feel like I have 1001 things to do before I work tonight and zero time to get it done.

Toodles!

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!

I’ve not done much of anything since my last post.

I worked a dog show with Em and her mom. I helped with some of the grooming, walking the dogs and ended up in ring showing once.

The kids have been busy.

I’m still bleargh. I’m working through the tail end of my depression. It’s slowly coming out and going away. I’ve not stitched in like a week because I’ve been exhausted but I hope to do some this week. I just need to get Deb to pin out the project she has going so I can see it!

So really, I don’t have much to say. I’m here, I’m alright and I’m existing in the same space I always do….

confusion

Yet again, I am beyond thankful that posting regularly isn’t among the rules for me. I would be in a world of hurt.

Let’s see, where to begin? Should I use bullets?

• My oldest born child turned 18 on 4/20. He is not a part of my life. I didn’t speak to him, text him or send him a card. He tried making contact but it was only to find out if we were going to do anything for him for his birthday. My parting words for my now adult son “It’s your problem now. Figure it out.”
• My mother decided to stop by here a week ago Sunday. I’ve not spoken to her in several weeks. Due to an incident we had, I don’t care to speak to her again. She preached at me for years to stop being the one to give in with my father and make the first move. I was always apologizing to him and begging for his attention. So I finally learned the lesson she wanted to teach me. I won’t give in. I don’t speak to either of my parents now.
• I’ve been waiting for almost 3 weeks for a job. I dropped off an application on 4/2. I had a call for an interview within 2 hrs. I interviewed on 4/4. I’m STILL waiting on a background check. Joy.
• I’ve maintained my weight. It’s rather disappointing but admittedly I’ve not done a thing to try to lose more either. Since the wedding, Em and I haven’t worked out at all. She got a new job and works all but Wednesdays. We are going to try to make that our workout day together. Shawn wants to start walking every night. We shall see how that all goes.
• I’ve done little for myself. I’ve not done my hair, my make up.. nothing. My nails all keep breaking off as a result of the Shellac I peeled off (instead of soaked off properly) and all I do is watch movies/tv and sit in my recliner. Yep, zero motivation.
• I’ve started a new stitching project. This is my Avalon Sampler. I will try to post an update this week. I have one on Facebook but I’m lazy and don’t feel like posting it here right now. I’ll get around to it.
• I’m in a funk. A major funk. I’m feeling dark and depressed. I’ve not spoken to anyone since last week. I called Deb and yacked with her but that’s about it. I’m feeling rather… “meh, who cares” … right now. When I have a reason to give a fuck, I’m sure I will.
• Lauren got diagnosed with a bit of scoliosis in her upper back at her recent physical. She needs x-rays for that. Plus, we have to get her foot looked at (her right ankle rolls in bad) and then get her glasses.  Oh boy.
• Logan lost 20lbs in 5 months on Vyvanse. We are currently withholding medication on weekends to help his appetite rebound. He has put on a full pound already. He goes in for a weight check on 5/11. As long as he is putting weight on, he will stay on the  medication. We are also adding Intuniv as a trial run.

Life is cruising right along. I feel like a bystander in my own world. I’m here but not really participating. What the hell do I do to snap out of this mess?

I got my “G” done for my bestie today. I have to finish the actual outline box around it but the bodily stitching is done! I will be ironing it and then finishing it for hanging. It is for her wedding on April 6th. I will be doing a wedding sampler as well but I wanted to do this first as I am able to bang them out pretty easily.

Today is a lazy day. My knees are hurting really badly from the change in barometric pressure this week. We were in the 80s and now back at 60. It rained all day yesterday and is damp today. I try really hard not to complain about the pain in my knees but today I am losing that fight. I will likely end up taking something for it at bed and passing out earlier then I normally would. If I can get away with it, I may spend the night in my bed with movies going and being lazier then I already am today.

I’ve almost lost all the weight I have put back on. MyFitnessPal tracker on the right tracks all that for me. I am fluctuating a bit but basically almost back down to where I was. I will be striving to lose more and get my body back to where I want it. It’s slow but I’m not giving up.

Tonight Logan has his buddy Ryan over. They are banging away at Ryan’s Xbox for the night. Lauren has no plans (amazingly) and is next to me on her netbook. We are such lazy things today.

Shawn is feeling SO much better then he was. His face was swollen so badly this week. He got bit my something near his left ear and his entire face swelled up like a tomato. I feel bad for him but he is feeling better. He should be back to his normal job by Tuesday, baring any major issue.

As for me, I’m going back to being lazy…..

I should be eternally grateful that I am not being asked hardly anything for March Q&A (only 1 question) and that I am not required to blog.

Life always seems to get in the way. I want to blog, really I do, but then being on the go with the kids, tending to the needs of Shawn, helping Em with her wedding in less then a month, and trying to find a job.. I just never seem to have the energy to sit and write. Plus, normally when I finally get to where I want to sit here, I have everyone in the house demanding my attention and trying to read over my shoulder…which I hate!

Today I would have gotten way more done but Shawn “tweaked” his back yesterday and was off today. I’ve been nursemaid and driver to get him around. Hopefully he goes back to work tomorrow (on light duty) and I will have some privacy.

I’ve totally ignored my bodily needs (my poor Hitachi has dust on it) and frankly I’ve not gone into the closet in weeks. I won’t have a spare moment once I get a job and the kids are home for summer break (which really is just around the corner!!!) and having to deal with them having lives and friends etc. So I should probably try to do more of those things before I can’t do them at all (or at least until fall).

The kids are good, of course. I am busier then hell with my daughter since she made the spring volleyball team. She will have practice 2 nights a week and tournaments starting in April every other Saturday with the season ending in early June and another 2 day tournament from hell. Logan isn’t doing any sports right now. He is happy to wander the yard, investigate the things he finds and in general be a boy. I’m sure summer will drive us both batty since we have no kids on our street and he gets bored easily.

Shawn is fine, though today he is off work. He tweaked his back and had to rest for the day. Tomorrow he starts light duty and will be back out of my hair.

As for me, I am stressed, more so then I let on to anyone. Not working is really difficult for me. I hate not having a few bucks of my own to spend when and where I like. I have seen a few things I want (nothing huge, just craft stuff and books from Amazon for my Kindle & movies) and I can’t justify spending a single penny on myself for anything that isn’t absolutely needed. I miss working and earning my own paycheck. This is when living in a small town hurts. It’s hard to find work when there is very little industry locally, and still be able to be close to home to tend the kids and their needs. I’m trying to get back in at my old job, applying to a small local store and there is a satellite hospital in my area that I will apply to as well. If that doesn’t work, I will have to expand my search area and keep plugging away. I’m feeling very defeated though and sinking slowly into a depression.

I have only just pulled myself from the edges of a depression, and now I’m lingering at the edge of it again. I’m working on trying to battle it back but I’m failing.

For now, that’s all I got unless I get another March Q&A question, though I’m not holding my breath. The rest of the night holds little for any of us. I will try to stitch (though likely not actually do it), cook dinner, and then get everyone settled in for the night. I will end up reading and passing out. (I’m rather upset with myself, I’ve not stitched in a couple of weeks)

Tomorrow I think Em is coming over after her dog class and work out. It’s one of the few things that helps me not feel so completely isolated and forgotten by the rest of the world.

It’s moments like these.. where I really miss …. him (You know who you are) and her…as in my sister Deb. Hopefully one of these things will not be an issue for long….

Well, I got my first question. I’m pleasantly shocked.

luna[KM] asks:

Are you happy? I mean really happy? You never really post anything that tells the world that you enjoy your life right now. What would you do differently to get what you need out of life?

* * * * *

Am I happy? No.
Really happy? No.

I do hide behind my own blog, the one place I should be free and able to talk openly and from the heart. I am reserved, even here, where I should feel the most free. I hate it.

What would I do differently? I never would have married Shawn or had Logan. It’s not that I don’t love my son beyond words but this is not where I wanted to be in my life at this age. When I divorced Lauren’s father, I was going to start over and rebuild. I was going to get an education and be a good single mom to my daughter and make the most of my life. I was going to really truly embrace submission and run with it. I was going to find a good Dom/Man and have a happy life with him, my daughter raised in a home where I was fulfilled and smiling. To the world I would have been a happy woman with a good man, behind closed doors, I would have been a happy submissive serving with love and my entire heart, soul and body.

Shawn is a wonderful man. Please don’t mistake my feelings for anything negative towards him. He is a good father, a good husband and has a heart of gold. He would, and often does, do anything for me. On weekends, I rarely do anything without his help. He does the laundry, helps with the kids and dogs. I get out a lot with my friend Em and I’m not kept from doing the things I love. He dotes on me when I am sick, catering to my every need and even tucks me into bed. I couldn’t ask for a better man…. except that he doesn’t have a dominant bone in his body.

Logan is a treasure. I love my youngest completely but I never intended to have more children after Lauren. He loves completely and without fear. He has no shame in hugging you and telling you he loves you if for no other reason then to say it. Logan truly has a pure child’s heart. He makes me smile when he laughs, when he goes tearing through the house being chased by the dogs. He giggles so freely and quickly, it makes me giggle myself.

But these things aren’t what truly makes me happy. I love them and I am content. But I wish I go back and start over from when I divorced Lauren’s father. (Truth be told I would probably never have had children, or at least waited.) I wouldn’t be here, not like this. This would be a blog like kaya’s, or luna’s.

I am here, under these circumstances and I can’t change them. I can only hope and pray that someday I can find what will truly make me happy and either leave Shawn (which will break his heart) or … well, the alternative is morbid. I hope, truly and totally hope, I will find happiness ….. but I’m not counting on it.

So I’ve learned by reading my Google Reader.. its Q & A month. I forgot.

Not that I really get any questions (I think I’ve had 2, srsly), but if you’re a reader here, feel free to ask me absolutely anything. It’s all on you to ask the questions that likely nobody wants answers to, but I have to answer them as truthfully as possible if you ask them…

Sure.. ok..

I dare you.