I’m more than just a little disgusted with myself. I promised a phone call to someone on Tuesday and since the storm the cable has been on the fritz and I never got a chance to make that call. My deepest apologies to you. It was beyond my control. I have net again and will FINALLY get around to making that call. I think Christmas will be the perfect time. :)

I’m working my ass off, literally. I’m still dropping weight and slimming down. I love my new figure but damn if I can keep my jeans on my ass. I need a belt. I still love my job and enjoy going in every day. But thank FUCK for days off.

I lost my voice due to being so sick the last few days. I sound like a damn mouse. I squeaked all night at work and was picked one all damn day by my co-workers. It’s nice to be loved.

Ok time to finish up on the closets and unwind for abit before going to be and starting all fucking over.

xoxo

So I’ve discovered just how sick I really am. I am a twisted thing. I really am. I read a few blog posts on a couple of different blogs and I couldn’t tear myself away from them. They were horrible, vile and god I was so turned on it was just.. wrong.

See, sick!

I am turning into this lil freaky slut and lordy the changes are just wild. I find myself drawn to the strangest things that just a year ago I would have gone running in the opposite direction, screaming and tearing my hair out. I live and breathe off a couple of blogs that do and say things I only wish I was experiencing.

*grumbles with jealousy*

Yes I’m letting my inner slut-slave creep out and damn it, I WANT MORE! I want more and need more and crave more! I want to do some of these things that I read other girls trying and living. I want to be under the hard firm rules and strong hand. I want the slight humilation and mild degradation. I want to try some micro managing. I want to be chained to a hook in the wall, settled on a cushion waiting for Him to allow me up. I want to have certain parts of my life monitored and checked on periodically. I like knowing that I don’t have absolute control over my own life. I have control but He has the veto.

Now, that having been said, I got the munchies. Since no one can order me about just yet and tell me what I can and can’t have, I think I’ll munch on some chips and drink some soda. HA!

Stupid!

My host is giving me issues. They are having issues processing my credit card so I may not keep my site. Who knows. Im working on it. I dont want to lose my domain just yet and I will just have to work on getting it sorted. I got some time yet.

Life is muddling along. Im sicker then shit, we got a foot of snow on Saturday night and I have yet to unpack much, wrap any Christmas presents or feel like Im accomplishing anything lately.

Not surprising.

I read a few blogs, had to go back to read some comments and read one I found particularly interesting.

There was a post about caring and such, and a few comments. Two of the comments caught me totally off guard. One of the authors I read regularly and keep her in my prayers. The other, I could care less if she sucks air in her lungs or not. I was able to turn off my caring where that person was concerned. She burned the bridge between us, not me. Honestly, its made my life easier. I dont miss it at all. The constant stress of hearing how the day to day things never changed was tiresome, especially when you lend advice on how to change it and yet the advice is ignored regularly. You cant fix something if you dont try and lack of ambition wont get you far. Its your own fault. Nuff said.

Nate is permanently gone. His step mom is working on papers to adopt him and Im washing my hands of the situation. Im over it and all of them. I got other shit in my life to deal with and having his self inflicted bullshit and his dad in my life is something Id rather move past and forget about. Hes not my oldest or my child anymore. Its for the best. It sounds harsh but molesting my kids and trying to kill one of them is the quickest way to make me move on and forget you. He did both.

My truck is finally legal and I can drive w/out fear of getting pulled over. My ticket is paid as well and I can do what needs to be done and not worry about that anymore either. Thank God for Christmas bonuses. I should be getting a small one myself from work and Im sure my boss will be fair. Ive only been there 3mths but Ive paid my dues and worked harder for him then most other jobs Ive had. I LOVE my job and love having an income of my own and having a bit of financial freedom from Shawn. I can spend a bit here and there and not feel bad for it. Course, I dont do much but buy books or magazines anymore.

 Ok well time to get back to real life and leave the pc for the day. Got shit to do, Nemmy is coming over tomorrow to do laundry and its my ONLY day off this week. Please keep Aunt Barb in your prayer, her cancer returned and is in her lymph nodes. She wont last long and is living on blood transfusions and such to stick around for the holidays. *sigh* Its gonna be hard to let her go.

xoxoxo