Sake of Sanity

So OBVIOUSLY yesterday was a shit day. I managed to set myself into a downward spiral that ended with me up against the steel door that seperates my kitchen from my garage bawling my eyes out, mascara streaked down over my blotchy red face. Yeah I was just freakin beautiful. (Please note this post will be layden with sarcasm)

I had the job thing, oh then Lauren is failing math. Seriously, 53% and only a 64% in science. Oh then Logan decided to go piss in his closet. I was ready to get a semi automatic, climb on my roof and start firing at anything that moves. If you recall, I am quite the shot too. (See coyote pictures)

Fed up, pissed off and ready to decapitate the next person that dares to cross me. Isn’t that lovely?

Oh and to top it off, I managed to fight with M too. That made the rest of my day just fucking skippy. The only bonus to this mess is that I had a legitimate reason go to hide in my bathroom for abit and just sob until it was out. I got up, washed my face, and reminded myself that all was not lost. I would somehow find a way to pick myself up and start over.

Then I went to Moms.

She has Lauren for the weekend. Of course, I can not go to moms and not get my dose of catholic guilt. “Theresa, you need to get these kids in church. They need religion. You arent doing your catholic duty.” Suck a lemon Mom. I stood and listened to the lecture. I pretended to give a damn. All the while I thought to myself “I hated catechesis. Logan can barely sit still for a haircut let alone religious education. Lauren is failing school why add more classes to a child thats already struggling?” But I nodded and smiled and assured Mom that once I got my collective shit together I would indeed find a catholic church here and get the kids in classes. Yes I lied my ass off but it shut her up.

Shortly thereafter, I scooped up Mimi, grabbed my boys (Shawn and Logan) and we were outta there. I was ready to get home, relax and veg till bed (which ended up being at like 1030) I was exhausted and not able to keep my eyes open. A good cry will do that to you every time. I trundled off to bed and woke to … snow. Oh yes really.

More fucking snow.

4-5 inches here where I live now. I live in the god forsaken snow belt. Oh joy of joys. Whos bright idea was that you may wonder? Why, Shawns! Of course. I fucking hate living in snow, let alone the snow belt. There’s one bonus to being here. It keeps me close to a place of great personal joy. I can see it daily (or damn close to daily) and it never fails to make me smile. Though I will admit, I do like living here.. this town. It’s small, quiet and beautiful.

I am applying for another job. The application is done and sitting on the dining room table. I was going to get motivated to take it in today but Logan isn’t feeling well. He’s got a nasty cough and I won’t drag him out in the snow while hes not feeling well. I’d love to go and talk to the Manager about the job right now but I just don’t think taking Logan out, and discussing a job with him in tow, is a good idea. So I’m home bound but Shawn is going to put in a call on my behalf as it’s someone he knows well. Fingers crossed!

Lauren is with Mom this weekend. I needed a break anyway due to her and Logan fighting alot but then the school thing happened and I just lost it. Getting the kids seperated and Mom dealing with her is just what I needed. I had to have a break. They are going to bring her back on Sunday after church.

Saturday night should prove to be fun. We got tickets for a hockey game locally. It will be Shawn, Logan, TJ, Julie, Tyler and myself. Afterwards of course is cards. We may go tonight too. I need the down time and the relaxtion of playing cards.

I’ll be going to my soon to be former job soon and getting what will be my final check. Of course they don’t know that but I do. I was going to consider staying there after the disappointment yesterday but I just can’t do it. Between the long drives in bad weather and the sexual harrassment I just will not subject myself to coping with that shit any longer.

For now I think I hear the last bagel calling my name, and a large glass of milk to go with it. I need to refocus for the day and remember that one day doesn’t define everything, my attitude does.

I feel defeated. I quit my job because of the bullshit. I interviewed fabulously at the other and yet, they took a GUY with more horse/livestock exp. Lovely. I feel like a 2 ton loser with no job and nothing to offer the world.

Funnily enough…

You are Justice

Equity, rightness, probity, executive; triumph of the observing side in law.

Justice is about cold, objective balance through reason or natural force. You can’t keep smoking and drinking without consequences to your health. It is the card that advises cutting out waste and insists that you make adjustments, do whatever is necessary to bring things back into balance, physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually. It is a card of balance and harmony; if there is imbalance, the correction may
require recourse to the law.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
I’m justice. There is no fucking justice.

P.S. Fine. I see. Maybe I should just stay out of the way.

I am taking lemons and making lemonade.

I hate my place of employment, therefore I am interviewing elsewhere on Tuesday. If it works out, I am not giving notice and I’m quitting. My boss is a sexist, crude, demeaning fuckhead that I detest. The 2 stockers previously mentioned (T & C) are flaming assholes that I refuse to deal with. One of them looked me DEAD in the eye and offered me $30 to lift my shirt. Hello, I’m married to a god damn gorilla. Shawn wants to rip the arms off T and beat him with them. But hes going to wait till I quit. C got shitty with me today for NO fucking reason and now Shawn wants to throttle him as well. Fine with me, just wait till I quit my job and move on.

I am SO looking forward to telling my boss to get fucked. I absolutely hate him and all that he is and does. I don’t hate anyone (generally) but a VERY select few and he has joined those ranks.

Logan is graduating to a bunk bed tonight. Joy. We are not using the bottom and making a psuedo loft for him like we did for Lauren a few years back. His room is entirely too small for a bed so up he goes and we are going to set the tv and V-Smile up under it for him to use. It will maximize his floor space. We are finally switching toy boxes as well. I can’t wait to get this shit done. Then maybe I can FINALLY get Shawn to hang a few pictures for me.

He’s done both kids rooms as I want, and hes built his precious work bench. I want a few pictures hung and my decorative shelf fixed and hung. These jobs combined will be MAYBE an hour. But for the life of me I can’t get him to do them. Guess what? No do the jobs = no sex. Simple.

Wait. We don’t fuck lately anyway. Never mind. I’ll just do it myself and then treat my body to a couple of battery induced orgasms. Self ^5!

I’m sitting in a totally dark house, nothing but the monitors light to illuminate my keys and enjoy the silence around me.

Mimi is asleep at my feet, Morgan on the couch and the cats are roaming quietly. The whole house is like a tomb. The soft quiet of the impending daylight is slowly breaching my window.  I’m wrapped in a thick heavy blanket, my toes toasty and warm, fingerless gloves on my hands and my long curls loose and free around my face. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so safe and swaddled.  Well, I can think of 2 times but those are private times that are locked away inside me forever.

It’s been snowing for days. The ground is harsh frozen wasteland, the wind has not stopped blowing and the windchills are in the negative numbers and yet I can sit here and smile. I am happy in who and what I am. I am happy in where I am in my personal life and I am happy in what I am as a mother.

So often I forget myself and take care of others and neglect myself. I have taken action to stop that. I am on a new self imposed healthier diet. I am eating better, drinking my water and keeping a positive mental outlook. I got soft in the middle since starting my job in September. I am unhappy with how my body has softened and filled. So back to the self imposed diet and keeping myself on track. I may not go to the gym anymore (since I have a job and live too far away) but I can make an effort to take care of myself. I live on a cul de sac so I can start walking again too. I can take the dogs with me.

The beauty of living in a small town, I can walk almost anywhere I like. Of course, realistically it’s not safe anymore but I can and will walk my cul de sac once the weather breaks and get some regular exercise. I need to find my pilates ball and get a floor mat and I can do most of my good exercises right here at home for free.

So in essence I am happy. I am happy in aspects of my life and I feel blessed to be able to relax and just enjoy life instead of worrying so much. My bills are paid, my taxes are filled, the house is coming along (slowly) and for the most part, I can’t complain.

The light has finally broken the solitude of my living room. The dark is gone. I hear small feet shuffling down the hallway, I think I’ll snuggle the cute blond in my house before starting my day.

I have just sent Lauren out for the final time. She is being escorted by Shawn.

This is her final year of elementary school. This is the end of all the little girl stuff and we go into TeenAger-Dom. Shawn just called and informed me he’s already been dumped. She is huddling with all her girlfriends and the Dads are all eating the food and talking to each other. I was also told she was the most beautiful and dressed better then anyone else. Of course, shes my daughter :)

Lord help me.