There was not a Valentines Day at my house. I got nothing. That’s fine. We are fighting anyway.

The kids had a lovely day at school and got tons of cards and goodies from their friends.

Screw Valentines Day. I’m over it.

I swear to God, if I have one more problem with a vehicle I will get on my roof with a submachine gun and start killing anyone in range.

The Chevy Venture (if this works out) will not be returning to our home. The loaner we were issued (at 11pm Saturday night) will end up as ours instead. Of course, this morning, staying in fashion with my latest bit of luck, wouldn’t start.

Yep, I swear it’s true. It wouldn’t start. Plus, it is slowly gaining a flat tire. If the switch does happen, the dealer is issuing us new tires from Belle Tire. I will gladly get a battery if it needs it but damn if I keep having this kind of luck, I’m going to give up and slide back into my quiet space and shutting off the world.

So we wait.

The kids were home today. Did I mention I almost died in a blizzard/whiteout? Yeah well not that anyone gives a damn but I did. Half of this side of the state was shut down this morning and Shawn’s work even closed for the day. So not only did I have kids to cope with, I had him too. Not something I’m used to on a work day. Joy.

Ok so now I have to send Shawn to get air in the tire, wait for the dealer to call back about the switch and lucky me I may have to go to Grand Ledge AGAIN to get this mess sorted out.

I’m just thrilled.

I wasn’t simply awaken today. Oh no. I was ripped from my restful slumber.

With icy cold hands on my very warm cheeks, I heard, screamed in my face:

“MOM ITS MY BIRTHDAY!”

As if I didn’t know this already. I only gave birth to the child that was sitting on my chest. I peeked thru one eye, the other still shut tightly, and looked up at his big beaming face.

“Good morning Logan”

“Mom, I’m 6 now. That means I can go to 1st grade.”

I laid there, waiting for the boy to move because he was crushing me. I moved him carefully and sat up. I saw the largest grin I have EVER seen in my life on that childs face. Bright blue eyes, wild short hair, and his hands cupping his cheeks, elbows on his legs and a cheesy grin.

So I have been ripped from my warm toasty bed, and assaulted with the limbs of a 6 yr old. I have squeezed, hugged, kissed, tickled and nuzzled a 6 yr old.

Life is good.

We have big plans for today, well big by the standards of a 6 yr old. We are going to TJ and Julies. They are cooking a HUGE ass turkey that we took over there last night. We are gonna gourge ourselves on turkey, green bean casserole and a Transformers cake. Logan will open his presents and then its off to the K-Wings game for some action on the ice. It may not seem like much to anyone else but for Logan, its exactly what he wanted. He loves hockey and our seats are on the ice. We are a section way from the penalty boxes, and have the first and second rows of our section. We are basically at ice level and will feel the impact on the boards and glass. WOO HOO!

Logan has already gotten some of his presents. TJ and Julie gave him $10 as did Shawns folks. I have a couple of ninjas for him and a biker guy on a 4 wheeler thing that is a remote control. My mom has something for him (no clue) and my dearest Nemmy is sending a box from Germany with goodies for him. She had to special order his stuff because the PX didn’t have it.

I’ve been selfish in my time the last 2 weeks. I’ve not called a single soul or spoken to anyone. I’ve been sick, and pissed off. I’ve fought with my boss, with Shawn and with the kids. I have fallen prey to the bit of depression that has hit recently. I’ve felt seriously isolated and it frustrates me to no end. I watch movies endlessly and ignore the world around me. Mimi doesn’t even make me smile right now.

I think this weekend could be a turning point. I should use this positive energy to bring myself out of my funk and reclaim myself abit. I think I’ll start with a very important phone call this morning to see how someone is doing.

Oh I have a 6yr old climbing on me.

my name is Logan and i am 6

He typed that himself. :)

Ok time to roll to the shower, do some laundry and be ready for the next onslaught when Lauren gets up.

xoxo

then suddenly the wound ripped open wide
and all that i was spilled from me
like the tide

from the depths came forth
each segment of my soul
the worst, the best
the parts left to decay

inside me
revealed
shattered
healed
completed
undone

i was left
with all that i was
open for the world to see
my love
my hate
my aching heart
beating for what id lost

when put back together
all the pieces of me fit
the completed mass
whole in itself
when the Crafters hands
laid to rest the final piece

no longer the misshapen
but fitted just right
the wounds of the heart covered
the masterpiece that is me
left to bask in His delight

I feel like I’ve lost all control. I feel like I’m watching my life from the sidelines. It’s like a bad movie … I don’t want to change the channel and I have to see the outcome.

I think it may have a sad ending.

I don’t know.

I just know that right now I don’t like where things are going, how I’m feeling and that I can’t explain it any more than that.

Tell me I’m wrong. Please.