Sake of Sanity

Did I mention I’m disgusted with my schedule at work? I close 4 nights in the coming week. Hello, I have kids at home. Matter of fact I’m the ONLY person at my job with small children at home. Logan is only 6. Once Lauren goes to her dads this summer for a couple weeks, I’ll either have to cut my hours back or find a sitter. I can’t really afford that on what little I make at my job.

Things are going to have to change.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of my current schedule and either they are going to have to make some changes and take my kids into consideration or…. things are gonna change.

We shall see.

Time to get ready for work, Lauren has a double header today (that I’ll miss) and anotherh double header tomorrow (that I’ll miss) and I got a jam packed week with the kids. Kikndergarten Graduation is Thursday (thankfully I’m off) and I have laundry to do like crazy.

Tata

I’m going thru a bit of a funk. My emotions are still off kilter. Though Shawn is working, I am still worried about money, bills and such.

It doesn’t help that I will have to cut my own hours back now that summer break is rapidly approaching. Lauren is staying home for a good chunk of the summer due to softball and now summer school. We did confirm yesterday that she is being placed in the 6th grade.  She isn’t being “promoted” but “placed”. It signifes that she has had some scholastic issues but being moved shows that her teachers have faith in her to make it.

But with her and Logan being home, I have to be home abit more now. I can still work, and will as much as I can, but I can’t leave the kids home alone for long hours without an adult around. I’m comfy with a couple hours max. Once Lauren goes to her dads for a couple weeks, I will have cut my hours back even more and that bothers me. Work is my release.

Shawn and I talked about all this last night. We decided I will have to cut my work hours back when school starts anyway. Lauren struggled too much last year without alot of parental assistance. We did help but neither of us were home most days of the week when the kids got home. She didn’t get the kind of help she needed. Between going to middle school and now starting puberty, she needs me more now then ever. So I will be cutting back my hours gradually till school starts and if my job can’t work me more day shifts, then I will have to cut back my evening shifts considerably.

Logan is moving on to the first grade. Wow. It’s so hard to believe. He’s getting so big. Next Thursday is his Kindergarten Graduation and this afternoon is Lauren’s 5th Awards Ceremony/Graduation.

All this has been the center of my world. I have so little time for anything else. I feel like I’m being consumed. Ever since Deb left, I just feel lost, empty and detached. Funnily enough, (at least to some of you) the visit was great but it could have been better. I told Deb this and she agreed. The ONLY way the visit would have been even better then it was is if Heidi had been here. Sure, we haven’t spoken in almost a year. But having met both of them, I was hoping the next time it would have been the 3 of us together. We laugh, cackle and snort like pros. The 3 of us in 1 room? Oh lord have mercy. I had Deb laughing so hard at one point that she was crying, Heidi has done the same. I have had Heidi laughing so hard that she damn near inhaled her phone and vice versa. Could you imagine the 3 of us together?

The heavens would open and God would fall out snorting in a fit of laughter.

So back to being detached. I just don’t feel much like myself yet. I think my security isn’t re-established yet. My personal life is still very much at a crawl, and my sexual desires are all but non existant. I have NO sex drive. None. I don’t even LOOK at my toybox. Pitiful. BDSM .. submission .. Domination .. no thanks not interested. I need to find my way back to my normal self and jump start my life again.

Damn Deb and her cross word book. I’m on #65. Evil woman. I’m still knitting, so is Lauren. It helps but it’s not the same. I am stitching a bit but not as much as I would have liked to be. I was hoping seeing Deb would jump start that too.

See the pattern here? I miss Deb. Lots.

(Insert a 10 min break for crying here)

Ok much better. I have to get Logan ready for school and myself in the shower (No Joe You cant join me LOL) and get ready for Lauren’s thing this afternoon.

Maybe I will feel abit better once I get settled again. Please don’t let the last several weeks be what I have become permanently. Please, let me find my true self again.

I have been sicker then shit the last few days. I didn’t go to work yesterday. I have a nasty sinus infection and didn’t bother to turn the pc on yesterday at all.

I’ve blown more green snot outta my head then I thought my sinuses were capable of holding.

I feel no better today. Once Logan leaves, I’m going to sit in a hot shower, and Joe, You naughty IceBear, I don’t have a shower cam. I only do live shows.

Ok I’m going to turn off the pc now. I need to rest.

Yes I had the advantage today. A full day off after a weekend of hell. I worked the whole freaking holiday weekend and it was a monster.

So today I was off. ThankbefreakinGod!

Silence from 11:30am to 2:30pm. It was amazing.

Considering the last 6 weeks has been full of no privacy and little time to think let alone have any quality time with myself. I’m a firm believer in complete “alone time”. It’s healthy for the spirit. It’s a time for the soul and spirit to rejuvenate and find peace.

(Zen moment over, sorry)

So yeah today was happy and quiet, except for having to yell for 15mins for the dogs that went wandering where they weren’t supposed to, or having to run to 3 stores to get 3 things because my store is too small, one store is over priced and the other is the ONLY place I can get what I needed.

I didn’t forget to take a few moments for myself though. I totally zoned out today. I didn’t do a single thing that wasn’t totally relaxing and mindless, except the previously mentioned store stuff.

I vegged out with my fave chili con queso dip *from work*, watched one of my fave action movies *Con Air mmmm John Malkovich* and enjoyed the solitude of the house. The dogs slept, the cats were nowhere to be found and I was nestled into my recliner pretending the outside world didn’t exist.

So much for that.

Now, everyone is home. The dogs have run amok, the cats have pounced a fly that got in the house (btw its fucking cold compared to yesterdays 80, its only 60 today) and Shawn is snoring on the couch due to lack of sleep last night. *Nerves*

The kids have games tonight. Joy. It’s cold and I don’t wanna go *insert pouty face and balled up fists here* and its cold and I wanna bundle up and stay warm damnit!

Instead I prepare to hit the shower, get myself hoomun (human) looking and face the other mothers from Lauren’s team and miss yet another of Logan’s games.

Side note. OMG the Redwings are sooooooo on fire. The Stanley Cup Final is going on and though I’ve missed both the first 2 games, my boys in red are doing just fine. Shawn has been nice enough to call with scores after each period and the Wings are leading the Penguins 2-o in the 7 game series. Mmmmmmm hockey!

The Pistons have tied up their Conference Final series with the Celtics 2 all. I’m quite the fan of basketball as well (as a few know) and am happy to see the local boys doing so well. Hell, even the Tigers are doing half way decent.

Who’d a’thunk?

So off I wander to get warm in the shower, try my new shampoo (not to be confused with real poo) and tame my curls with some serious gunk because I swear the curls have gotten curlier.

2nd side note, I had to get my wedding ring fixed. I had pert near torn a prong clean off. Thanks to my fave store (ok one of them) in the whole wide world, my ring looks brand new and totally refurbished. Yay me.

Ok now to get that shower, it’s sounding better with each passing moment.

This just in..

Shawn JUST got a call from a certain company he was ACHING to work for.

He goes back to work on Tuesday!

Thank fuck! LOL The man was driving me nuts being off work for a month. Now I can get back to my own routine.