I’m going thru a bit of a funk. My emotions are still off kilter. Though Shawn is working, I am still worried about money, bills and such.

It doesn’t help that I will have to cut my own hours back now that summer break is rapidly approaching. Lauren is staying home for a good chunk of the summer due to softball and now summer school. We did confirm yesterday that she is being placed in the 6th grade.  She isn’t being “promoted” but “placed”. It signifes that she has had some scholastic issues but being moved shows that her teachers have faith in her to make it.

But with her and Logan being home, I have to be home abit more now. I can still work, and will as much as I can, but I can’t leave the kids home alone for long hours without an adult around. I’m comfy with a couple hours max. Once Lauren goes to her dads for a couple weeks, I will have cut my hours back even more and that bothers me. Work is my release.

Shawn and I talked about all this last night. We decided I will have to cut my work hours back when school starts anyway. Lauren struggled too much last year without alot of parental assistance. We did help but neither of us were home most days of the week when the kids got home. She didn’t get the kind of help she needed. Between going to middle school and now starting puberty, she needs me more now then ever. So I will be cutting back my hours gradually till school starts and if my job can’t work me more day shifts, then I will have to cut back my evening shifts considerably.

Logan is moving on to the first grade. Wow. It’s so hard to believe. He’s getting so big. Next Thursday is his Kindergarten Graduation and this afternoon is Lauren’s 5th Awards Ceremony/Graduation.

All this has been the center of my world. I have so little time for anything else. I feel like I’m being consumed. Ever since Deb left, I just feel lost, empty and detached. Funnily enough, (at least to some of you) the visit was great but it could have been better. I told Deb this and she agreed. The ONLY way the visit would have been even better then it was is if Heidi had been here. Sure, we haven’t spoken in almost a year. But having met both of them, I was hoping the next time it would have been the 3 of us together. We laugh, cackle and snort like pros. The 3 of us in 1 room? Oh lord have mercy. I had Deb laughing so hard at one point that she was crying, Heidi has done the same. I have had Heidi laughing so hard that she damn near inhaled her phone and vice versa. Could you imagine the 3 of us together?

The heavens would open and God would fall out snorting in a fit of laughter.

So back to being detached. I just don’t feel much like myself yet. I think my security isn’t re-established yet. My personal life is still very much at a crawl, and my sexual desires are all but non existant. I have NO sex drive. None. I don’t even LOOK at my toybox. Pitiful. BDSM .. submission .. Domination .. no thanks not interested. I need to find my way back to my normal self and jump start my life again.

Damn Deb and her cross word book. I’m on #65. Evil woman. I’m still knitting, so is Lauren. It helps but it’s not the same. I am stitching a bit but not as much as I would have liked to be. I was hoping seeing Deb would jump start that too.

See the pattern here? I miss Deb. Lots.

(Insert a 10 min break for crying here)

Ok much better. I have to get Logan ready for school and myself in the shower (No Joe You cant join me LOL) and get ready for Lauren’s thing this afternoon.

Maybe I will feel abit better once I get settled again. Please don’t let the last several weeks be what I have become permanently. Please, let me find my true self again.