Sake of Sanity

The randomly moving headache is still there. It migrates around my head and settles in different places. I was still feeling queasy this morning as I tossed and turned and rolled around. I would shift and feel sick to my stomach but it passed, thank goodness.

I’ve been helping luna with a group she started on Fetlife. I’m very proud to be a part of the BBW Submission group. It’s nice to be surrounded by women like myself and know that sometimes they struggle too. It’s a sense of belonging that I’ve not known before.

I’ve been dealing with emails that have been hard to cope with lately.  I’ve had to revisit something from my past that I never really dealt with. I had some pain and hurt from a year ago this month that was never really settled. Some of you may know what I’m talking about and most of you haven’t been reading me long enough to know and there are no archives of it here.

In dealing with the emails, alot of hurt feelings and raw emotions were dragged up from the place I had shoved them down into. I got angry over the situation then just shut down and never spoke of it again. Suddenly in the last 3 days, I had the situation right in front of me and finally conquered the emotions I had stuffed away for so long.

Long story short, the friendship that was ended will remain as it has been since that day. Done. Gone. Fini. I truly feel that all the self improvements I have made will end up for nothing should I go back. I don’t miss the friendship. I realized that in all the talking I’ve done with a trusted friend and another person I am especially close to. I can let go with ease and just move on as though things are fine again.

I think I grew from the lack of the relationship. And since this is my blog and I can express myself here, the relationship (in hind sight) was more stress on me that I didn’t need. A few things happened within it that were hard for me to cope with on a daily basis and I found myself finding reasons to not stay in touch, or at least not call as much. I found myself reaching out to other friends and finding new ones all together. I had to re learn give and take in a friendship as well. I was so used to be the “dominant” friend and now I’m not. I’m just a girl. I’m just.. me. It’s a very nice change of pace.

I wish the person the best in all that they do and I harbor no ill feelings any longer. I cease to care honestly. I can’t keep letting myself worry or care because I don’t have input or say or control over any of it anymore anyway. I don’t want to be tied to it nor will I ask any longer if the person is doing well. I have sat here today, cried, yelled and pissed and moaned to a friend and I’ve gotten all of it out of my system. I am done. I end the chapter here and now and walk away clean. Goodbye to you and good luck.

All else is going smoothly. Lauren leaves soon (YAY) and I need the break. She’s gotten better but I’m ready for some time minus the attitude. I’ll miss her like crazy but the break will be welcomed and embraced fully.

Work is .. work. My hours suck currently (cuz I’m not working enough to make decent cash) but I love all the time I have at home. Since I’m not working as much, I spend too much time in the house sooooo off to start walking every night. My knees could use it and so could my body. Let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger and to tone up and lose a few pounds..well time isn’t on my side. Time to take some control and really WORK for what I want.

For now, I have to make out my grocery list, work on my list of craft needs for the Christmas Ornament Project for this year and my personal project that I always have for when I don’t want to work on scheduled projects. Floss bobbins, ziplock bags, new flosses, overdyed flosses, copies of patterns. The list goes on and on. Tomorrow is an overly busy day. I won’t even be ON the pc tomorrow. Errands to run then off to work and then to bed.

See ya’ll Saturday!

I spent part of last night in tears. I had what I thought was just a case of the “I Stood Up To Fast” dizziness. Wrong.

I went to bed, thinking it would clear it up. Wrong.

I got up today, dizzy as hell, the whole world spinning to the left while I tried to remain on my feet. Bad choice.

I was sick to my stomach several times and I thought finally THAT would clear it up. Wrong again.

I spent most of the day in bed, sleeping then playing games with the kids on our DS’s thinking I was finally feeling better. Wrongo there honey.

I got up to shower finally after checking email and I really did feel better after the good solid puking I did. WRONG!

I slipped in the shower, whacked my head hard and jammed my knee nicely. I have this nasty headache that won’t seem to go away and nothing I do or take makes it feel any better.

Brain tumor?

Migraine?

Brain bleed?

Hormones?

God I wish it would go away. I was told by a loved one to go the hospital. That didn’t happen. I was asked to wait it out 24hrs to see if I felt better tomorrow.

Suggestions? Ideas? Anything?

I was intrigued by this from the word go, sadly my desire to reuse this toy has waned.

The Japanese Ball Gag is NOT a toy for beginners. Please if you’ve never used a ballgag before, don’t start with this one.  Try Beginner Ball Gag, which I wish I had done. I was aching to try this first but I’m glad now that I waited.

The ball is very large, at least for a beginner. Even for a big mouth like me, this ball is too much. I can hold it in my mouth but its too big and causes major discomfort. I also have TMJ. Finding just the right ballgag is essential for me. This one is ok for short time periods but if I were to wear it for a prolonged period of time, I would be in serious pain.

The nylon cord is not as soft as I had hoped. Its coarse and rough. I didn’t like the feel of it on my face at all. I will say this though, being on nylon makes washing it to keep animal hair, dust and the like off it very easy. Considering I have long hair, 2 cats, 2 dogs, keeping it clean was a snap.

The clasp is ok but I have long hair and unless I had my hair totally bound up, I managed to snag enough hair to make it painful. Um ouch. Not to mention, the clasp on mine was especially tight, I caught my fingers it in a few times too. Again, ouch.

The plastic slider to adjust the tightness is horrible. It rested right on my cheek. One movement and I could feel the plastic digging into my face. I ended up with a long scratch at one point and had to explain it that my puppy caught me in the face. It wasn’t easy to slide it along the nylon cord either to make the Japanese Ball Gag tighter. I never quite found the right place for how tight I needed it.

The Japanese Ball Gag was too easy for me to pop out of my mouth. One thrust of my long tongue and POP it was resting around my neck. Bound and tied, I could still just stick my tongue out and it was history. It was extremely frustrating.

All in all the only major bonus to this Japanese Ball Gag is how easy it is to keep clean. Run it under water and you’re all set. Otherwise I will be retiring the Japanese Ball Gag permanently. I wasn’t impressed nor will I continue to use it.

Don’t let my review discourage you! Join everyone over at VibeReview.com and see what else they have to offer. Check out the Beginner Ball Gag and watch this space for a comparison review on the two! It’s where all the hottest toys are at reasonable prices.

Yep you will all get probably 2 posts today as I have to do my toy review yet. So stay tuned to this spot, or use a google reader or rss feed to keep up to date with me!

I stitched again last night, and I’m almost totally done with the piece I’ve been doing for Lauren. I’m just working on the outside backstitching and then I’m going to add some custom lettering to personalize it for her. This is the piece I’m doing. There’s just abit of the black edging to do then I can frame it up and have it ready for her when she gets home.

Speaking of which, she leaves either the 5th or 6th of August. Thank God. She’s been a handful and I’m ready for the break from her. I love her dearly but her mouth is so much like mine that I just want to slap it off her sometimes. Plus, I look forward to some one on one time with Logan. She is going to be home no later then the 20th. He’s only getting 2 weeks this year, its his own fault. Once the season was up for softball, he made no effort to get her sooner. Screw him, not my problem.

I’ve become severely addicted to Fetlife lately. Most of my very favorite bloggers are there, some new faves and some of my long standing faves, and even a few new bloggers that I can’t seem to live without already. If you’ve not gone over and checked it out, I highly suggest you do so.. NOW! You can find me there by clicking on the Fetlife button on the sidebar. I’m helping luna as a moderator for the BBW Submission group. I’m thrilled to be an aide to her.

As I laid in bed last night, I was just thinking randomly. This was going to be a whole seperate post but since I’m already here…

Do You …

..ever wonder if others fight the same internal demons that you do? I fight them successfully and unsuccessfully every day. Some days are better and easier then others.

..ever wonder if you couldn’t simply life just abit more? I wish I could just toss out the clutter and start over but I find myself holding to things from my past that I just can’t seem to part with, be it from good parts of my past or bad.

..ever wonder why some friends fully accept you, faults and all, and others sit in judgement or chose to try to force you to be or do something you don’t agree with? I have lived this situation and put others in it. I am who I am, and I make my mistakes. I make them daily and I own them. I have a few things in my life that I’ve had to guard and keep especially safe so that it doesn’t get hurt from the day to day things. Some of my friends would accept it and understand, others wouldn’t. My trust issues are totally shot to hell thanks to previous problems with former friends. I still hurt a great deal over this. I don’t trust anyone anymore and I’ve had to keep myself safe and protected from others because of it. I password posts, or just handwrite in a journal at home. Trust is a big problem for me and I keep folks at arms length because of it.

..ever wonder what life would be like without the internet? I do, and some days I wish it didn’t exist. Other days, the very thought of turning the computer on excites me. One ay I will learn to not need this contraption so much and I can spend my days like I used to years ago, either stitching or reading or maybe even getting outdoors more often. The idea of change THRILLS me.

..ever wish you could start over? I don’t mean like your whole life or even going back to make a choice, but start over a project or a relationship? I do, often. I won’t elaborate much on this but I wish my eyes had been opened sooner then they were.

..ever wonder what you would do without your best friend? I went through this a couple of times. I know though, regardless of what I do, who I am or anything else, that I know Deb has my back. She may not always agree with me or like what I do, but she supports me as long as I’m happy, even if I’m wrong. I go out of my way to try to not hurt anyone else with my choices and she loves me unconditionally. I went through a time period where I didn’t have that with her and now I make sure I give as much as I get from her and let her know I love her fiercely.

..ever wonder why? Just why. Why does it all happen this way? Why do things happen the way they do? I do but I like wondering.

Now, I need to get myself in gear for my toy review. I admit, I’m stalling. I need to eat breakfast first then I’ll get my booty in gear and get the post up.

9 years and some days it still feels like yesterday.

I miss you still. You were like a mother to me.

I love you.

************

Monday July 26 11am

So today is another day. I’m still hurting. I’ve been in this “hurting” stage for a couple of weeks. I’ve not been my normal self at all and I know it. I’m not the same this time of year. I struggle more now then I do around her birthday or the holidays.

I think its because I was there. I held her as she let go and I was the one that took care of her. It took its emotional toll on me years ago and I still live with the aftermath, some days (and years) are just rougher then others.

I’m ok today though. Really. I stitched last night for the first time in forever. I made some serious progress on the piece I’ve been working on for Lauren. Finally I think I may finish it for Christmas, framed and everything.

So here I sit, semi wallowing in my misery and missing her. But deep down, I know I’m ok. I have the love of a good man, my wonderful children, a couple of devoted friends and the dreams of what I want and long to be. One day, July 27 won’t hurt so much and I’ll be able to just cope with the emotions and not cry.

My rock through all this…. One day I will have it all.