Through the last week or so, I’ve had to pick apart things, let go and find a better and healthier path for myself.

I cleaned out my purse. I found a few things tucked away in there that always kept me grounded to the recent past and have either tossed them out or tucked them away in a box for when I can appreciate their beauty independent from where they came from.

I cleaned out my mp3 player. There were a few songs that were preformed by someone and a few that were associated as well. Those have since been removed.

But what I learned hasn’t been removed. I am beautiful, just the way I am. I am curvy, vuluptous and sexy. My hair is amazingly rockin, my eyes can illict a deep burning desire and my voice is a velvety smoothness that can make the hardest edges soften.

It took me a long time to see what was there and appreciate the view from an outside perspective. But the ability has grown and I have found a way to make it work to my advantage.

I belong to myself, for the first time. I own me completely and take pride in it…. for the very first time. The road to getting here was bumpy and frought with some unsavory things but the past is behind me and I can set out on a new and brighter future.

I am a part of something bigger and better. I have started today on a new journey, not just emotionally but physically as well. Thanks to a special group of women (and Luna) I have all that I need in support and desire to improve myself. It’s not just the emotional me that is improving, its the physical.

Eat your <333 out.

We talked in the dark last night, laying facing each other, discussing our pending birthdays. He asked me what I wanted. I told him of a few things on my wishlist I had in mind. He is big on celebrating my birthday. We don’t do cake and all that but taking me some place is his thing. He knows I’ve never had much done for me in the way of my birthday. My mom was too busy or broke and my dad was too far away to do much more then send a card stuffed with guilt money.

So this year he asked what I wanted. We are going to look at a few things for my crafting and I want to go to the movies. He would sit thru “New Moon” with me if it was out but I think I want to go to “The Final Destination” or “Sorority Row”. He knows I love a good slasher flick. His only request for his birthday, wood to finish the deck……..and my help. I think I’ll even couple it with a 6pack of beer and pizza.

My expectations for this years birthday are greatly diminished. Last year was the first time I’d ever had things come to me from others. I cried with each box and still have everything thing I got. I’ve yet to make the scissor thing that Deb got for me. I even went out and bought the fabric for it. I’m horribly intimidated by it. I still have the book and stuff from Gina too. The items Bill sent are still where they belong, though I try not to think of where they came from so much as how I got them.

Nems is trying hard to keep me upbeat and busy. We have gamed a great deal this week and I will likely spend most of Monday on WoW with her, within reason of course. I have a 1000 things to Monday but will make time to get them done along with gaming.

This weekend will be wet and rainy it seems. I think the Wii will get a good work out. I bought Mortal Kombat Armageddon with trade ins of old Wii games and a couple of our DS games. We all love it and get a kick out of the fatality moves we can do. I think we will drag out a few things from the garage too and try to find the Halloween stuff early so we aren’t struggling to find it all just days before its needed.

As for today, I am going to retreat to my recliner, stitch quiet while watching movies and enjoy the dark quiet house.

The routine at home is calm and sedate right now.

Shawn and I have spent much of the last few days working on the yard. We had sprayed down a good layer of Pasture Pro earlier this summer and we have no weeds in the yard anymore. You can actually walk on the grass.

We have a miniscule pad of cement that goes out from the backslider. We had some wood laying around and we are building a small flat deck finally. There was no place for the outside table and grill and it was taking up too much space in the garage. So a deck is being added so there is a reason to actually start using the backslider.

School can’t start soon enough. Laws in Michigan prevent the kids from going back until after the Labor Day holiday is over. I wish they could go back sooner but sadly I am waiting. Lauren is driving me nuts and Logan is anxious to see his new classroom. Neither of them are completely prepared for school but there is little left to do. Logan just needs shoes and Lauren gets nothing more until she finds out if she needs special things for any of her classes.

Work is work and thankfully my hours will be shifting with the school year. I am off freight now as well. My poor knees can’t take it and I don’t like being there that late when I know I have to be up early in the morning with the kids.

I’ve been stitching away at my gifts. I am loving the feel of the perle cotton and the look is lovely and gives it more depth then normal floss does. I think I’ll have to do more perle cotton stuff later on.

My latest read is Our Lady of Babylon by John Rechy. It’s been interesting so far and I’m not far into the book. This is one I think kaya may want to read once I’m done with it. She and I are considering a book swap. It will be another way to keep my mind busy. Of course, right now shes off at spankfest being used a ring toss. I’m so jealous LOL!

It’s been raining on and off for 3 days here and my joints are killing me. I’m going to have to see a new Dr regarding my knees. My boss’ boss gave me the name of his ortho in Grand Rapids and I will be calling soon to see if they take our insurance and see if they will see me. I don’t know yet if I need a referral. Hopefully I can get in and get this mess dealt with. I am in pain on a regular basis now and in need of something more then just pain pills to keep it managable. Until I get that, I keep icing and keeping my knees wrapped up as much as I can, and taking the least amount of meds I can to keep myself walking. The coming winter will not be pleasent if I can’t get a resolution to it soon.

On another note, I am joining up with a couple of others to form a private support group. We are all interested in dropping a few pounds and need the support of others. I am smaller then I was but I need the drive of other women that are like minded to help nudge me along, just like they do.

Now it’s time to go stitch, wrap some heat around my knees because they are stiff and cold. I am going to rest and take the day to enjoy a few movies.

P.S.
I still need to update this damn thing. I want to make some changes but I’m so not good with WordPress. HALP!

This is for you Bill.

Hey! dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more
Whatever youre looking for
Hey! dont come around here no more

Ive given up, stop. I ve given up, stop.
Ive given up, stop. on waiting any longer
Ive given up, on this love getting stronger

Dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more

I dont feel you anymore
You darken my door
Whatever youre looking for
Hey, dont come around here no more

Ive given up, stop. Ive given up, stop.
Ive given up, stop. you tangle my emotions
Ive given up, honey please admit its over

Hey! dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more
Dont come around here no more

Stop walking down my street
Dont come around here no more
Who did you expect to meet?
Dont come around here no more
Whatever youre looking for
Hey! dont come around here no more
Hey! honey please, dont come around here no more
Whatever youre looking for
Ah, oh, ah, ah.
Dont come around here no more

Self expression is an artform.

After a long discussion (I seem to be having alot of them lately) the decision was made to remove the nastiness from my blog.

Shawn and I discussed it at length. I explained why it was posted to begin with (my excuses were admittedly thin) and he was less then impressed by the comments, save for the one from ~*The Doll*~. That one made him laugh.

He doesn’t want to see my place of zen interuppted by stupidity and irrationality. So the post is removed.

I hate when he’s right.

Shawn and I had spent some time this weekend around my blog. He read posts about how I felt about him, and he sat back and we discussed them.

He loves the layout, which I dig still. He likes that I have a place all my own to come and talk about my life and all that is encompassed in it.

We talked long and hard. It wasn’t all easy and smiles. There are alot of things left unsaid, hurt feelings to deal with and probably some fights to come. We still don’t know where we are going. We have no clue what the future will hold.

But for now, I’ve opted to start over, and he agreed.

99% of my archives are gone. Very little is left. It was the good and the bad. All of it. I didn’t discriminate. I left only the most recent post and 2 that mattered to me in the sense that they were deep and meaningful to me in a way very little else was.

I can replace the posts. I can start all over and write from my heart, leaving a blank canvas for my feelings to come out as I start this new path.

The past doesn’t matter. The old posts didn’t matter. What matters is who I am now, who I will be later and what I will do.

No amount of deleting archives erases it totally but the words don’t have to linger. There was harshness aimed at Lisa here. Why did I leave it? I don’t know. But it’s gone now. There was protected posts that no one cared about but me on here. I had many that weren’t published but listed as “private” and never saw the light of day.

I’m not going to live in the past. It is what it is.. over. I can’t fix it or change it. But I can start over with a renewed sense of self, blogging from the heart and finding a place for my inner voice to emerge and be known.

I like starting over. It’s refreshing.

…. can come pearls of wisdom.

Mind you, I’m not big on celebrities or anything. Sure I love the latest movies, I dig the hot actors but I don’t follow them, read about their lives or care much for their business. I just like to admire the view and move on. But I read the “Parade” magazine from this Sundays paper and was pleasently caught off guard.

The feature was written about Brad Pitt. I like him fine, and I used to have a massive crush on him (still find him hot as hell) and I like most of his movies. But he is smart too, not just a pretty package.

“Do you know how you tell real love? It’s when someone else’s interest trumps your own. I like to put it that way: trump your own. Love of somebody else–of family, of your kids–becomes the most important, most worth-while thing in your life. It’s what you foster and protect. You have to recognize real love when it’s there, and know that in going after it, there is always a risk. To live with love, you have to chance losing it. That’s also true when you decide to have kids. It’s the risk you take for love”

That is probably the smartest thing I’ve read in a long time. He’s not just another pretty face. He’s a father and a husband (for all intents and purposes). He’s a man with a family, with a real life to live and with something greater then himself to think of every day. He calls Angelina Jolie his “soulmate” in the same article. I took a deep breath and felt that to my core. I get that feeling.

“Even as I’m bound to this thing [life], in a way I’m freer then I’ve ever been”

Yeah, I get that feeling. For the first time ever in my life, I really get that.