The lack of personal space in a house this small is overwhelming and more obvious when the cooler weather hits.

Suddenly, autumn is upon us with a vengence. It seems only a week ago, we had abudant sunshine, warm breezes and the house was wide open. Now house is quiet and dark, closed off from the world and seemingly much smaller.

It’s getting dark by 8pm again. The world shuts down and the trees around the house cloak it in a perpetual dark and seclusion. I feel isolated out here and yet enjoy it at the same time. I am minutes away from anything I may need (store wise) and yet tucked into the end of a cul de sac and hidden away from most of the world. Its refreshing and yet scary at the same time.

I dug out my favorite casual pants today. They are like sweats only not that bland looking. Long navy blue pants with a red stripe down the side with a hint of white piping. I LIVE in these during the colder months. Pair that with my new RGR sweatshirt and I am in comfy clothes heaven. I look terrible but I’m at ease and comfy feeling. I actually went out in this tonight (LOL) looking like a mess but warm and cozy.

The last few days have left me in a tail spin, waiting for the outcome of a few things and still awaiting a parcel filled with a few books. Sadly for me, I’m horribly impatient. I hate waiting for things in the mail, especially whne I know they are coming.

So much happens this time of year. School starts, birthdays, fall sports, seasons changing and then .. the holidays. I’m looking forward to getting out to get fresh donuts, warm cider, apples and the grapes are to be harvested soon too. Mmm fresh concord grapes right off the vine. Then Halloween comes up and I get to find costumes for the kids and maybe paint my face to walk with them and trick or treat. This is my time of year. I love autumn. I think more then anything I want to walk in the crunchy dried up leaves, rake them up just to jump in the piles and laugh hysterically with the kids.

But this year is more solemn then most, and quieter then normal. Things change, like the seasons and change is inevitable.

*Sniffs the fresh autumn air*

Yep change is coming.

But I think I hear my stitching calling me. NCIS starts in a while and I have a few last minute things to tend before I can cuddle with my favorite blanket and enjoy the next couple of days.

Besides, why sit here when I have the fall rain and drawing darkness to watch creep in?

Reading has become my sanctuary again. I have lost myself in my book, another not far behind it to be read and a few coming from a Dear Friend of mine via post.

Life is hectic. I am working as much as my schedule (and the kids) allows, spending time as far from the pc as I can. It seems the drama and bullshit on Fetlife (Gray, dk and a few others seem to agree) is rampant and I don’t bother posting or feeding in to it.

My stitching is progressing nicely. I have the R almost done and this weekend I am going to start on my cousins wedding piece. He is getting married in December and I have to get off my ass and get working on his gift. I also still have the 2 H’s to make for my Uncles for Christmas and then frame all of these. I will have little to no free time and it’s probably a good thing. My days, when not working, will be spent in front of the tv with a movie going and stitching being done, same with my free time on the weekends. I have alot to tackle.

There’s some stuff coming up in the coming weeks. I’m worried for a dear friend of mine. My friend is going through some huge things in their personal life. My friend is facing permanent life changes that will affect not only my friend but most of their family, extended and otherwise. I’m being a supportive as possible, my ear always ready to listen and my shoulder dry for moments of emotional over load. I keep my dear friend in my prayers nightly and try to send happy txts as I can. Hopefully my friend knows how valued and loved they are and feels in my words.

My own dealings at home are .. calm, for the moment. I’m making my way to keeping things content and quiet. I spend my time stitching of course, but the house is clean, things are done, bills are paid and I make sure that any thing left over is noted for either the children to do or Shawn to complete.

Monday brings to Church again for a meeting with the newly installed Priest. I need to do confession (now called Reconciliation) and I’m attending Mass tonight at 5 since I can’t go tomorrow. The kids will get their behinds in CCD and I’m researching RCIA for myself. My faith needs renewing.

Off I go. We have 2 extras sleeping over today, Church tonight, projects tomorrow and its Shawn’s birthday. I still have to figure out dinner for tomorrow yet and bake a cake. How’ll I bake a cake with him here is beyond me.

My life is in transition, yet again.

Once again I find myself not at the pc, working on other things, hating what is going on, not being able to fix it or do anything about it. I just have to sit back and watch, from a distance.

My weight is a mess. I’m sick, I don’t eat. I can’t keep food down. I’m thinner, but not due to trying to lose weight.

I’m always running. I’m never home (at least thats how it feels) and my lower back is knotted mess of stress and tension.

My life sucks right now. It SUCKS and I can’t do shit.

Totally off subject… Kaya did you get my email?

Luna, email me. I need a reason to keep trying with my weight. I’ve lost my focus and I need a shoulder, a kick in the ass.. something. Srsly.

Oh also, who can update wordpress? I don’t know how yet. I really don’t have the patience to learn it either.

Ok back on subject…

You know who you are. Fix this. I need this sorted out. I need some stability, I NEED this fucking fixed so I can get my god damn life back together.

F-I-X..T-H-I-S!!!!

Help me get this right, help me get right.

So .. my birthday was less then stellar. Frankly it was so boring and such that I barely noticed its coming and passing.

I don’t really have much to say. The kids made cards on my greeting card creator on the pc, Shawn made a delicious cake. He added a huge spoonful of peanut butter to the batter and it was like eating a Reese’s cup. We had ice cream with it and omg .. totally amazing. We did all that on Friday night since the kids spent the weekend with my mom, for reasons other then being there for my birthday. That’s an entirely different story though.

So basically we watched movies, vegged out on goodies and passed out.

We went to Church on Sunday morning. I have never felt so revived and refreshed. I was happy to be there, though I didn’t sing (hardly at all) and just focused on what Fr Joseph was saying. Going to church is going to be a regular thing in my life. The kids will go to CCD and eventually I will go to RCIA and get a refresher in being Catholic. I am LONG over due and having faith and a foundation in Church can be nothing but a bonus to my life.

I don’t have much to say about my birthday. I’m just glad its over. I got a year go to before I have to endure another.

I’ll discuss why the kids were gone in another post. It won’t be the most pleasent one but I need to mouth off about the situation.

Ok I’m outta here. I need to stitch before my head explodes.

… they suck.

That is all.

There’s just music that calls to me. I love this man’s voice. It gives me chills.

George Michael – Father Figure
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Thats all I wanted, something special,
Something sacred in your eyes,
For just one moment, to be bold and naked
At your side

Sometimes I think that youll never understand me
Maybe this time is forever, say it cant be

Thats all you wanted, something special,
Someone sacred in your life
Just for one moment, to be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes I think that youll never understand me
But something tells me together, wed be happy

I will be your father figure (oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine (Id love to)
I will be your preacher teacher (be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind (it would make me)
I will be your father figure (very happy)
I have had enough of crime (please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

Thats all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken for a crime
Thats all I wanted just to see my babys blue eyes shine
This time I think that my lover understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

If you are the desert, Ill be the sea
If you ever hunger – hunger for me
Whatever you ask for, thats what Ill be

So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling, dont think of me

Because all I ever wanted
Its in your eyes baby, baby
And love cant lie, no…
(greet me with the eyes of a child)
My love is always telling me so
(heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I wont let you go, my baby

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
So I am gonna love you
Until the end of time
I will be your father
I will be your preacher
Ill be your daddy
I will be the one who loves you
Until the end of time

I found this the other day. I absolutely love Seether. I have a great deal of their music, but of course I never have enough music. This song is .. amazing.

Please enjoy.

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should’ve been drowned in the rivers I’ve found of token lust
And I should’ve been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can’t break me down if it takes all your might
’cause I’m so much more than meets the eye

And I’m the one you can never trust
’cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can’t break me down if it takes all your might
’cause I’m so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can’t break me down if it takes all your might
’cause I’m so much more than meets the eye

Sometimes, … just sometimes…

Nothing turns out as you thought it would, nor does the result you get the final result.

Imagine that.