Saliva – ‘Always’

I hear… a voice say dont be so blind…
Its telling me all these things…
That you would probably hide…
Am i… your one and only desire…
Am I the reason you breath…
Or am I the reason you cry…

Always… always… always… always… always… always… always…
I just cant live without you…

I love you…
I hate you…
I cant live without you…
I breathe you…
I taste you…
I cant live without you…
I just cant take anymore…
This life of solitude…
I guess that Im out the door…
And now Im done with you…

I feel… like you dont want me around…
I guess Ill pack all my things…
I guess Ill see you around…
Inside… it bottles up until now…
As I walk out your door…
All I hear is the sound…

Always… always… always… always… always… always… always…
I just cant live without you…

I love you…
I hate you…
I cant live without you…
I breathe you…
I taste you…
I cant live without you…
I just cant take anymore…
This life of solitude…
I guess that Im out the door…
And now Im done with you…

I love you…
I hate you…
I cant live without you…

I left my head around your heart…
Why would you tear my world apart…

Always… always… always… always…

I see… the blood all over your hands…
Does it make you feel… more like a man…
Was it all… just a part of your plan…
This pistols shakin in my hands…
And all I hear is the sound…

I love you…
I hate you…
I cant live without you…
I breathe you…
I taste you…
I cant live without you…
I just cant take anymore…
This life of solitude…
I guess that Im out the door…
And now Im done with you…

I love you…
I hate you…
I cant live without you…

I love you…
I hate you…
I cant live without you…
I just cant take anymore…
This life of solitude…
I pick myself off the floor…
And now Im done with you…
Always…
Always…
Always…

Suddenly, I have all this spare time. I’ve found myself wandering my house, my yard aimlessly looking for something to attract my attention. I sat out in the yard today for awhile, watching the world around move and leave me behind.

I feel adrift in a sea of curiousity and wondering where the current will take me.

Things are calm, content, almost happy. The kids are busy, loving school. Lauren is immersed in volleyball, Logan is happy and loves his teacher and new friends. Shawn is always working and here I am, wondering what the hell to do with myself.

I’ve lost some of my desire to stitch. Instead, I’m watching BravoTv and Syfy alot watching reality tv. Flipping out, Project Runway and Top Chef have ripped my attention away. Ghost Hunters and Ghost Hunters International keep me on the edge, waiting to see what happens. I totally love the International version. The castles are amazing. I keep seeing places I wish I could visit but will likely only see on tv or in a magazine.

I feel unneeded. I’m not sad or anything but just feel that right now the kids, the house, my life is in transition and I’m just not a required “thing” right now. I’m starting to withdraw again.

I want to drown, and be washed clean. I want to be beaten into a white hot frenzy and find solace in the cleansing of my heart and soul. I want to feel the pain bring me to a new awareness and lose myself in it.

I want to be reborn in the evolution from who I and who I want to become.

I’m hurt and wary. I am confused but cautious. I want, I need, I crave but I fear. The pressing pain makes me withdraw and afraid. The last few days have had me in an emotion cyclone. I have felt every emotion from anger to hate to love to loathing to desire. I have been tossed, turned, thrown for a loop and given hope and had it taken away. So control when all I can do is wait and pray.

Prayer. Not a salvation but a weak thread to hope.

Hope floats.

There’s days when you just need to sit back, take a long hard look at things and let go of the shit that doesn’t matter.

I’m finally feeling better. I can eat, I can focus and I am feeling more like myself. I can focus on a group I joined on an wellness site and participate properly. (Sorry Luna)

It’s time.

Change is coming.

Sometimes music expresses me better then I can express myself. Sorry about the video quality, but damn if Chris Cornell doesn’t get me damp. God he’s gorgeous.

Audioslave – What You Are

And when you wanted me,
I came to you.
And when you wanted someone else,
I withdrew.
And when you asked for light,
I set myself on fire.
And if I go far away,
I know you’ll find another slave.

Now I’m free
from what you want.
Now I’m free
from what you need.
Now I’m free
from what you are.

And when you wanted blood,
I cut my veins.
And when you wanted love,
I bled myself again.
Now that I’ve had my fill of you,
I’d give you up forever.
And here i go far away,
I know you,
you’ll find another slave.

Now I’m free
from what you want.
Now I’m free
from what you need.
Now I’m free
from what you are.

Then a vision came to me
when you came along.
I gave you everything but then
you wanted more.

Now I’m free
from what you want.
Now I’m free
from what you need.
Now I’m free
from what you are.

Now that I’m free
from what you want.
Now that I’m free
from what you need.
Now that I’m free
from what you are.

Very little improvement on the health front.

I feel like death. I was sent home from work early on Friday. I spent most of yesterday in my recliner, right up until Shawn and I fought. The meds they gave me for nausea made me tired and cranky. Really cranky.

Like, I’ll tear your balls off you think I’m being short with you but I’m only quiet so I don’t tear your balls off… cranky.

I went to bed at 945ish and laid there wide awake. I don’t recall falling asleep. I slept until about 945ish.

So far the tally is Theresa Keeping Food Down -1 to Stomach Hating Food – 0.

Toast is good.

It would take 25 Margaritas to kill me

Created by Bar Stools

For the few that asked, the passworded post was private. The music under the cut on it was very deep and meaningful to me and I can’t quite bring myself to share it yet. One song I’ve posted publically but the other cuts right to my heart when I hear it.

He came here to see it, he alone knew the password and he heard it. I made my point with it because he’s not said much since he heard the music.

I’ve stalled the rebuilding phase of myself. Between feeling like death (still not 100%) and a few other things, the time I need to start over is not mine just yet.

To Luna and the girls (you know who you are) I’ve not been eating and feeling terrible since the other night. I need a couple days to get my stomach and stuff back on track then I can start to actually commit my body to the choice we all made and work towards that goal again.

For now, I am going to take today to be lazy. I have True Blood to catch up on, maybe even a movie or two to watch. I feel soft and quiet today, gentle and passive.

Today is mine.