I’m quite pleased with myself. Matter of fact, I’m feeling full of myself. I did a damn fine job on my cooking duties for Thanksgiving. Sadly, my lack of time has forced this post to be delayed.
So back to my awesomeness….
I made my first EVAR sweet potatoe pie, complete with meringue. Oh yes, I was the complete awesome from head to toe! I whipped this up all while I had green bean casserole and corn casserole going at like 9am Thanksgiving morning. I was truly the multitasking princess of the kitchen, lol.
From there the day was easy. We went to Moms (minus Lauren because SURPRISE the Sperm Donor was in town) and Mom and I cooked pretty much everything. She had the turkey going already but we had many other dishes to complete for the meal.
The boys and I played some Uno after dinner and a cool game called “LCR” I picked up for like $5 at WalMart. Mom joined in shortly after while the multiple pies were cooling. We nommed on a chocolat pie (with home made graham cracker crust, thank you Mom), apple pie, pumpkin pie and of course my fabulous sweet potatoe pie (that I didn’t sample).
The night was simple and quiet and yet lots of fun and very relaxing. It was easily one of the best nights I’ve ever had with my Mom.
I would write more but to be completely honest, I don’t feel like it. I have completeled my cousins wedding piece (which I’ll scan later and post) and I am working on a Just Nan piece, an ornament called Toy Soldier. I don’t feel like sitting here while I can be busy with stitching and enjoying some quality quiet time.
I work tomorrow (oh joy) and just want to melt in to my bed and smother myself with the covers. So yeah, bye!
Time and space are my enemies. I am distant to everything I love and hold dear. I find that the holidays don’t bring me closer to a sense of feeling loved but keep me furthest from what I love most.
The distance seems so much greater when it keeps you from those you love. It seems thousands of miles more then it actually is. In reality, I’m not as far as I could be but in my mind, it seems like I’m on a whole different continent.
I can reach out as far as I like but the black doesn’t reveal a hand. It only swallows mine as it closes around it. Nothingness seems endless when you’re spiraling slowly into a bleak place. The quiet and dark seem to spread out around you, sucking away all life and light.
I smile, I get through the day but deep down inside me is a dark place that screams to be snuffed out, suffocated and smothered.
I hate that place. It seems fingers of it invade me, every aspect of who and what I am. I can hold it at bay for so long then it gains strength, recoils and lunges with a vengance.
My suffering is silent, few knowing it exists or seeing the affects. I retreat and hide in my books, movies and stitching. Even those things don’t always bring me to a quiet place but only mask the internal war while the emotions churn and wrestle to surface.
To win the battle would be nice, but I’d like the war to end.
I just realized I’ve not posted a single thing in almost 2 weeks. So I guess I should post.
Kaya did a thankful post. I don’t usually but her post inspired me.
I’mma copy her alittle, I think.
My list of “Things I’m Thankful For” :
My mom. Without her lately, I’d be at the end of my rope. We don’t always get along but I’d be lost without her.
My children, all 3 of them. I live in the hope that one day I can see Nate and rekindle some sort of relationship with him. Lauren has him on Facebook and I peek at his pix through her profile. I miss my son.
My family. I am getting closer to them all, with the exception of my uncle. It’s entirely his loss. I’ll explain that in another post.
My friends. My RL friends, and Facebook friends. Most of those are all folks I see regularlly or went to high school with. I have reconnected with a few of them and it feels nice. I’m not the person I was in high school and many see that.
Cross stitching. This has been my hiding place. I hide in my fabrics, fibers and patterns. I emerse myself in a place no one can touch me in and pretend the world is okay within the stitches. It’s a haven.
Books. Oh my gosh I read so much more now then I have in ages. Kaya sent me books and I’m about to crack open the first to see if I like them.
Movies. I’m a movie fanatic. I will watch almost anything, with the minor exception of chick flicks. I’m finicky on which of those I’ll watch but I like losing myself in movies and forgetting the troubles of my life for a couple of hours.
My online friends. People like kaya, Kitten, la`miette, nems, Soull, Joe, Gray Lily (though she barely knows I exist lol), Gina, Mija, Jo .. all of these amazing folks I’d never be graced to have be a part of my online family. Some I am especially close to, others are more on a talk when we can basis, but they have all touched my life in some way or another. There are a couple of others I won’t name here (we either don’t speak or are no longer friends) have touched me too. Without any of you all, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I wouldn’t see the potential in myself. Kaya is one that is especially near to my heart (though she may not know it). I completely admire and respect her, and look up to her. Luna is another. Women of strength that give it all up to serve so selflessly and completely. I want to be like you both when I grow up.
History. Yes I’m thankful for history. I’ve learned more about myself from my past then I could ever have dreamed was there. I was blind to so much but my own sordid history with friends and men has taught me several valuable lessons. None of which I will forget anytime soon.
I could probably go on but I don’t want to. I’ve been on the brink of tears for about a half hour and I’m holding them back. The holidays are rough time of year for me, for a variety of reasons. It’s not just missing those that have passed on but those that have moved past me that I regret not holding on to.
It doesn’t help that things here aren’t at their healthiest and that just adds to my stress, along with the reason why Thanksgiving is a trying day for my mother and I. (That story will be posted after the holiday, in case something happens)
For now, I guess I should be happy that at least a few of those I love so much love me back and count me among their blessings. You are all in my thoughts during this holiday (even if you aren’t celebrating it) and I miss you guys.
I just, literally JUST, emailed a local rock and roll station. I was yacking with one of the DJs about a request and we got to talking. I mentioned the lack of a female voice with the station and he joked saying that it was a total “sausage fest” there and that indeed my words that an “estrogen injection” was much needed.
He told me he thought my voice was a perfect gritty fit to format. They are all pretty hardcore heavy rock and roll all the time. There’s no “classic rock” on this station. It’s all rock, all the time. If you know me, you know I don’t have a soft feminine voice. That’s not ever gonna happen, not even my “little girl” voice is horribly soft and girlie.
So I took a risk. I emailed the Station Manager/Morning DJ and sent off my inquiry. I enclosed a flattering picture (yes totally using my slight looks to my advantage) and offered voice clips from my former online stations. I told of my history with online DJing, running the software and even dropped a few names that I was sure that the Station Manager would know. (My moms 2nd husband was a local DJ)
I don’t know what possessed me to do it but it just hit me and I had to do it. I would love to start off on remotes and some crappy DJ shifts at the station and maybe work my way up to being “THE” female voice of the station. I may not be gorgeous, slim and a rockin beauty, but I got the voice and ballsy out there personality to do radio.
Cross your fingers, say a prayer and maybe just maybe, I can get a break.
