I’m quite pleased with myself. Matter of fact, I’m feeling full of myself. I did a damn fine job on my cooking duties for Thanksgiving. Sadly, my lack of time has forced this post to be delayed.
So back to my awesomeness….
I made my first EVAR sweet potatoe pie, complete with meringue. Oh yes, I was the complete awesome from head to toe! I whipped this up all while I had green bean casserole and corn casserole going at like 9am Thanksgiving morning. I was truly the multitasking princess of the kitchen, lol.
From there the day was easy. We went to Moms (minus Lauren because SURPRISE the Sperm Donor was in town) and Mom and I cooked pretty much everything. She had the turkey going already but we had many other dishes to complete for the meal.
The boys and I played some Uno after dinner and a cool game called “LCR” I picked up for like $5 at WalMart. Mom joined in shortly after while the multiple pies were cooling. We nommed on a chocolat pie (with home made graham cracker crust, thank you Mom), apple pie, pumpkin pie and of course my fabulous sweet potatoe pie (that I didn’t sample).
The night was simple and quiet and yet lots of fun and very relaxing. It was easily one of the best nights I’ve ever had with my Mom.
I would write more but to be completely honest, I don’t feel like it. I have completeled my cousins wedding piece (which I’ll scan later and post) and I am working on a Just Nan piece, an ornament called Toy Soldier. I don’t feel like sitting here while I can be busy with stitching and enjoying some quality quiet time.
I work tomorrow (oh joy) and just want to melt in to my bed and smother myself with the covers. So yeah, bye!
Time and space are my enemies. I am distant to everything I love and hold dear. I find that the holidays don’t bring me closer to a sense of feeling loved but keep me furthest from what I love most.
The distance seems so much greater when it keeps you from those you love. It seems thousands of miles more then it actually is. In reality, I’m not as far as I could be but in my mind, it seems like I’m on a whole different continent.
I can reach out as far as I like but the black doesn’t reveal a hand. It only swallows mine as it closes around it. Nothingness seems endless when you’re spiraling slowly into a bleak place. The quiet and dark seem to spread out around you, sucking away all life and light.
I smile, I get through the day but deep down inside me is a dark place that screams to be snuffed out, suffocated and smothered.
I hate that place. It seems fingers of it invade me, every aspect of who and what I am. I can hold it at bay for so long then it gains strength, recoils and lunges with a vengance.
My suffering is silent, few knowing it exists or seeing the affects. I retreat and hide in my books, movies and stitching. Even those things don’t always bring me to a quiet place but only mask the internal war while the emotions churn and wrestle to surface.
To win the battle would be nice, but I’d like the war to end.
I just realized I’ve not posted a single thing in almost 2 weeks. So I guess I should post.
Kaya did a thankful post. I don’t usually but her post inspired me.
I’mma copy her alittle, I think.
My list of “Things I’m Thankful For” :
My mom. Without her lately, I’d be at the end of my rope. We don’t always get along but I’d be lost without her.
My children, all 3 of them. I live in the hope that one day I can see Nate and rekindle some sort of relationship with him. Lauren has him on Facebook and I peek at his pix through her profile. I miss my son.
My family. I am getting closer to them all, with the exception of my uncle. It’s entirely his loss. I’ll explain that in another post.
My friends. My RL friends, and Facebook friends. Most of those are all folks I see regularlly or went to high school with. I have reconnected with a few of them and it feels nice. I’m not the person I was in high school and many see that.
Cross stitching. This has been my hiding place. I hide in my fabrics, fibers and patterns. I emerse myself in a place no one can touch me in and pretend the world is okay within the stitches. It’s a haven.
Books. Oh my gosh I read so much more now then I have in ages. Kaya sent me books and I’m about to crack open the first to see if I like them.
Movies. I’m a movie fanatic. I will watch almost anything, with the minor exception of chick flicks. I’m finicky on which of those I’ll watch but I like losing myself in movies and forgetting the troubles of my life for a couple of hours.
My online friends. People like kaya, Kitten, la`miette, nems, Soull, Joe, Gray Lily (though she barely knows I exist lol), Gina, Mija, Jo .. all of these amazing folks I’d never be graced to have be a part of my online family. Some I am especially close to, others are more on a talk when we can basis, but they have all touched my life in some way or another. There are a couple of others I won’t name here (we either don’t speak or are no longer friends) have touched me too. Without any of you all, I wouldn’t be who I am now and I wouldn’t see the potential in myself. Kaya is one that is especially near to my heart (though she may not know it). I completely admire and respect her, and look up to her. Luna is another. Women of strength that give it all up to serve so selflessly and completely. I want to be like you both when I grow up.
History. Yes I’m thankful for history. I’ve learned more about myself from my past then I could ever have dreamed was there. I was blind to so much but my own sordid history with friends and men has taught me several valuable lessons. None of which I will forget anytime soon.
I could probably go on but I don’t want to. I’ve been on the brink of tears for about a half hour and I’m holding them back. The holidays are rough time of year for me, for a variety of reasons. It’s not just missing those that have passed on but those that have moved past me that I regret not holding on to.
It doesn’t help that things here aren’t at their healthiest and that just adds to my stress, along with the reason why Thanksgiving is a trying day for my mother and I. (That story will be posted after the holiday, in case something happens)
For now, I guess I should be happy that at least a few of those I love so much love me back and count me among their blessings. You are all in my thoughts during this holiday (even if you aren’t celebrating it) and I miss you guys.
I just, literally JUST, emailed a local rock and roll station. I was yacking with one of the DJs about a request and we got to talking. I mentioned the lack of a female voice with the station and he joked saying that it was a total “sausage fest” there and that indeed my words that an “estrogen injection” was much needed.
He told me he thought my voice was a perfect gritty fit to format. They are all pretty hardcore heavy rock and roll all the time. There’s no “classic rock” on this station. It’s all rock, all the time. If you know me, you know I don’t have a soft feminine voice. That’s not ever gonna happen, not even my “little girl” voice is horribly soft and girlie.
So I took a risk. I emailed the Station Manager/Morning DJ and sent off my inquiry. I enclosed a flattering picture (yes totally using my slight looks to my advantage) and offered voice clips from my former online stations. I told of my history with online DJing, running the software and even dropped a few names that I was sure that the Station Manager would know. (My moms 2nd husband was a local DJ)
I don’t know what possessed me to do it but it just hit me and I had to do it. I would love to start off on remotes and some crappy DJ shifts at the station and maybe work my way up to being “THE” female voice of the station. I may not be gorgeous, slim and a rockin beauty, but I got the voice and ballsy out there personality to do radio.
Cross your fingers, say a prayer and maybe just maybe, I can get a break.
So before I go plant my bottom in my recliner and relax (like I was told to do about 5 mins ago) I have to say…
My daughter is completely disgusted with having to take CCD. ( CCD stands for Confraternity of Christian Doctrine in Catholic religious education, an association established at Rome in 1562. ) She just flat out does NOT want to go. Logan on the other hand hasn’t stopped telling me or reminding me that he is two weeks behind! LOL!
I’ve completely avoided posting. We have had a touch of indian summer here this last week. The gutters were tackled today (I will NEVER do that again even though I only helped) and the yard has been tamed for awhile, or at least until the next batch of leaves blows this way.
I’ve been working (joy) and spending alot of time off the PC trying to get my stitching done. I have entirely too much of it to do and not nearly enough time to accomplish finishing the wedding piece for my cousin and his fiancee. I need like an extra 6 wks to get it done and framed. So most of my time is literally spent with stitching in my lap versus me at the pc at all. Not that I’m complaining. I know it sounds like it but I’m really not.
I can find several hundred more constructive things to do with my time then sit in front of this ridiculous life sucking machine. But unfortunately its the only way I get human (and kinky) contact besides going to work and at work, I have to behave. Where’s the fun in that? I swear…
Needless to say, I’m only posting to post and update (sorta) and then it’s off to the recliner to stitch and watch a DVD, because there’s like.. dick shit.. on television and the NFL doesn’t do anything for me.
The kids had a ball trick or treating last night. We walked, talked, laughed and a few places even gave out goodies to the parents. We had some great warm cider and pumpkin doughnuts.
We ended up at one of the last places I thought we would. There was a woman I worked with at the grocery store that I was highly pissed off at right? Well, she is notorious for giving out the good candy so we ended up there. What was supposed to be a short visit for candy turned into 3 hrs, goodies and conversation. That road is mended and back on the path of being fixed. It was nice for everyone. The kids really enjoyed it and I did too. Plus, her husband is a riot :)
Today is a day to get a few things done. I’m headed out to grocery shop shortly and Shawn’s going to tend the house and laundry. Logan is still sicker then all hell and I want him out as little as possible. We go a movie for tonight for us and the kids. We are going to watch “Monsters Vs Aliens” with the kids.
The holidays are approaching and though I’m glad I have my kids and my family, I’m alittle sad. It’s no secret I could care less about “him”. Sure, he’s not a bad guy but my heart isn’t in sharing and caring and all that. I feel alone during this time of year. My heart isn’t here with me, though it is with the kids.
Halloween is a favorite time of me year for me and I would usually dress up but this year, I just clipped in my dreads and called it a night. I wandered the streets, watching other couples and sighed to myself. I can feel Thanksgiving approaching fast and hot on its heels is Christmas. I just want to withdraw from the holidays but I have the kids. I can’t just pack up and pretend the holidays aren’t happening but I want to, especially New Year’s Eve.
I always heard that on New Year’s the person you kiss at midnight is the person you spend the year with. I have avoided kissing anyone at midnight for the last couple of years. This year will be no different.
I am emotionally boycotting the holidays. Just call me Scrooge.
I’m just your average abnormal mother in a normal world. I think like I’m skinny but when you see me, you know I’m a full figured woman full of attitude. Toss in my submissive nature and the affect is rather interesting! I blog to empty my head of all the things that rattle around inside. [...]
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