It’s the first day of no fear where my blog is concerned. How refreshing to not worry if it will be here when I log in. *sighs in relief*

I have today off, thank goodness and plan on updating my Facebook (I’m slowly getting addicted) and cleaning the house. Lauren wants to download some new music and videos from LimeWire so we will probably tackle that as well.

My personal life is in the shitter. But what else is new, right? I’m pretty much at a loss as to how to recover from what has happened. Any thoughts of good sex, submission or anything remotely close to an adult life are completely foreign to me.

So I’m offically asking/petitioning for help. I need to update the stupid WordPress and I need to be walked through it. I have not a single clue how to do it without fucking up my blog COMPLETELY. Now that I have my blog to keep for another year, I really don’t want to destroy it LOL! HALP!

In the mean time, I am going to do that cleaning I mentioned and try to not shoot myself out of bored.

This blog may lag a day or two, at most. I was blessed with some good fortune and *if* I do lag, it won’t bef for more then a day or two. Never mind, I won’t be lagging at all. The problem was being solved as I was posting this. Maybe I’ll share the details but I don’t know yet.

Other changes: (which require BULLETS!)

• I am starting all over again. My personal life just got turned upside again and I am working to start focusing on me. I’m not happy about the change but there is little I can do to control it. It’s one of those matters that requires time to sort out. I have plenty of that, so it seems. Nothing but time on my hands.
• My hours got cut at work, which becomes more time for my blog and Fetlife. I am slowly becoming addicted and reading alot of interesting tidbits on there. I hope to blog more regularly and from the heart. It may mean a few more passworded posts but I have alot to get out of me.
• Shawn and I are getting along really well. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• We are totally broke, not that it’s anything new. I mean like totally. I’m robbing peter to pay paul and putting off bills to keep my head above water. With my cut hours and slow time at Shawn’s job, it’s hard to make ends meet.
• The kids are driving me freakin NUTS!!!! I can’t wait for winter break to be over. It also means they arent at home EATING constantly.
• With the kids back in school, I can take over Guitar Hero 3 :D Logan got it for Christmas and I am HOOKED! I want more! I need more!
• I think I broke my wrist. Or at least fractured a portion of it. I see the Ortho on the 7th.
• Did I mention Im hooked on Guitar Hero? Anyone got GH2 for the PS2 they want to get rid of?
• Im cutting again ….. alot.
• Im making hankys with cross stitch in the corners, even though it hurts my wrist. Im bored.
• The kids and I invested in THIS!!!!! tonight. We walked around the grocery store causing issues and laughing like lunatics. It was worth every penny of the $3.99 + plus tax.
• That is all. I’m going to read and pretend that I’m ok and pray that my personal life will be fixed and all will be ok.

So tomorrow it all expires. I don’t have the cash so the blog will lag. I’ll get the money (hopefully) before my domain name expires completely and get back to blogging properly. If not, well…. I’m screwed. My whole life of blogging and those I read is wrapped up on the side bar and I’ve not backed it up yet.

Will I miss it? Oh hell yeah.

About the holiday ….

It sucked. Sure it was nice for the kids but for me personally I’d rather have ran razor blades up my arms from wrist to elbow and died slowly in a tub of hot water. Don’t mistake me. I LOVE the holidays but this year it was hard. Betty is gone (the mother in law), Shawn and I are obviously getting along but still it’s weird to know its over and not be touched when he buys me a gift anyway, and the seeing both sides of the family was harder then normal for me this year.

Shawn’s family has no clue about he and I. They have no idea what is coming. Neither does most of my family. It was an emotional strain on the holiday for me to act the happy wifey and though I love Shawn, loving him isn’t enough and I’m not in love with him anymore. He knows it and he was cool and very affectionate but it was hard for us both.

Couple that with me losing my blog for a while and I’m spiraling downward rapidly. 

Teh suckage… I haz it.

I didn’t do this first, Kinkerbelle did first, but it’s totally worth sharing.

I about lost it laughing!

Oh yeah, don’t forget. I may not have a blog on Tuesday but I will be renewing it as soon as I can. Don’t give up on me or remove my link.

*drops voice low and does her best Arnold impression*

I’ll be back

If you try to come by here in a week and you can’t see anything, it’s because my renewal is due and I have no money to pay it.

I’m working on that though. I’m trying like hell to scrape the cash together but Christmas is this week, Lauren’s birthday is in 2 weeks and a month later is Logan’s birthday. It’s a financial pinch this time of year for me.

I WILL renew my blog but I need a touch of help doing it. So please don’t give up on me if my blog is here one day and gone the next.

I will be back.

Shawn and I go back and forth in this weird little dance. I tell him I’m unhappy, I want out, I am considering divorce and he nods, sticks his head in the sand, prays things change and we go on until something causes a blow up.

Last night we had a blow up.

It’s all out there now. All of it. He is trying to figure out how to deal with his massive student loan (thank god I’m not responsible for it), considering where he wants to live, how he will manage it and all the things that go along with having to start his life over again, without me.

It seems likely that he will try to stay local. He wants to be a daily fixture with both kids and I am ALL for that. I want him around all the time. I like him and enjoy his company. But as I told him point blank last night, I am not in love with him anymore. I love him, I care for him and about him, I worry about him but that’s where it ends.

He was hurt, which I couldn’t avoid. I wanted to keep it as minimal as possible but he is very much in touch with his emotions. He’s almost a woman in that way, which I’ve always and still do respect. I want him happy, I want me happy. The way we live right now, neither of us are happy.

There is no sex, no physical closeness, no sweet touching. There is nothing close to a physical relationship. I hugged him for the first time last night in months. I felt so badly, so empty. I couldn’t make him feel better, which is in my nature to do, but then I can’t make me feel better either. Neither of us is getting what we want from our partner and so, the time comes where things have to seperate.

I’ve not asked him to move out. He has no where to go and no money to live on. I’m hoping that once we get through tax season I can make a financial stand alone and he can leave. If all goes well, either he finds a dirt cheap place or get a roommate and he can still help with rent here so the kids and I have a place to live. I will work as much as I can, and have to go get some state aide to keep the mouths fed and all running smoothly. I’m not proud but I’ll do what I have to if it means supporting my children properly.

On a happier note, I got 2 books off my Amazon Wishlist today. Bill sent me a couple books for Christmas. I knew what I was getting because he asked me specifically which I wanted the most while we were both looking at my list. After having looked at the books in my hand, I sorta wished I had asked for the other Shayla Black but those are hot and erotic and then I just end up masturbating with toys or something. (GRIN)

*****

It’s now Wednesday though I started this post yesterday. We had a Holy Day of Obligation at Church last night, for the Immaculate Conception. Church was damn near empty. I was rather happy. I could hear everything clearly but that also meant I had to sing because there wasn’t many to do it. We headed to Wendys for some chili after (because it was sleeting and cold,tyvm) and then home to get warm.

Shawn is attempting to replace the thermostat on my car himself (smirks) and it didn’t go well. The house for it cracked last night and now that has to be replaced as well. The car overheated to the point where he had to pull off the highway on the way to work and get picked up by one of the guys. He will have to finish working on it tonight while I’m at work.

Speaking of tonight, we have a BLIZZARD WARNING! Oh joy! I’m so happy I could just shit. It’s highly likely that the kids won’t have school tomorrow and I have to work, that is if I can get out of my driveway/cul de sac due to the weather. We are never plowed out. Ever. I don’t own a snow thrower either. If we get nailed with several inches of snow, I won’t be working. I’ll be snowed in.

Shawn and I talked in bed last night. It was a healthy talk. He gets that there IS changes coming and even said “I want to be like Violet and Cooper, yanno those two on Private Practice?” I was pleasently surprised and turned to look at him in the semi darkness. With a pillow between us, he nudged me to roll back over, and slid up behind me to talk quietly. We discussed being friends, being the best of friends and he gets why I don’t want to keep hurting him by not being happy, him not being happy and we both taking time to try to find happiness outside of being married to each other. He kissed my cheek and thanked me for talking and rolled over to sleep. It was easily one of the nicest nights I have ever had with him.

Funny how the thing I dreaded most may be a thing that saves not only my sanity, but his and a valuable friendship.

This wasn’t originally mine but I am posting it here.

From the mind of Regina Brett in Ohio.

1. Life isn’t fair, but its still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone (*I so agree. I stopped hating everyone al long time ago*)
4. Your job won’t take care of you when youre sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing then crying alone.
8. It’s ok to get angry with God, he can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (*AMEN!*)
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. Its ok to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to 20 others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don’t worry God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath, it calms the mind
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21.  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so called disaster with these words “In 5 yrs will this matter???”
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything. (*I need to get better at this, and so do some of the women I know*)
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most if it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
45. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

This lady has a damn good handle on things. I wish I had learned most of these alot sooner then I had.

And for shits and giggles, here’s a 2 jokes I found amusing:

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
– A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with…. “a recipe”.

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
– A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time ..” -
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…..”

I’m outta here.
Love, peace and chicken grease.

I have no clue why I’m in such a miserably foul mood. I am a complete bitch to those around me today. I’m so angry and ready to explode and yet I haven’t a clue as to why.

Ok, not entirely true. I think it’s a defense mechanism. I am prepared to be treated poorly/forgotten/neglected so I am ready to lash out at anyone that crosses my path. I’ve been nasty and short with the kids, Shawn and all those I love.

I ended up working just over 8hrs today (and I wasn’t even scheduled to work) and I was fine there. But the moment I got txts, calls at work from the kids and got home, I was insta-cunt, just add people. I had a call when I was home and I rushed through it on purpose. I knowingly was short, cold and rude. I can’t even figure out why!

I took the hottest shower I could tolerate (since it’s FUCKING cold here) and cried like a baby for so long, the hot water gave out. I still don’t feel any better. I feel like just … killing … someone. I desperately want to scream, yell, bash, break and destroy things around me. But all I have is the ability to withdraw, be cold and then … maybe cut to see if it helps.

It never does though, in the end. Cutting is never a solution for me, but I do it any way. I do it because somehow I can rationalize that it helps, I can try to justify it and pretend in my mind that my excuse is a good one. Funny how no one ever believes me though.

So here I sit. I am stewing in an anger that I can’t pick apart and try to make sense of. If I had a legitimate reason to be angry, I would be able to cope, but I don’t and it makes the anger worse.

I just want to fall down and shatter into a million pieces. Maybe someone can come along and put me back together minus the angry cunt gene.

I hurt, inside. I hurt in my chest, my head and in my soul. I feel my spirit failing and sinking. I’m letting the anger flourish and grow, all the while unable to stop it because I have no idea WHY THE FUCK I’M ANGRY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I’ve lost my place, lost my way.

Can you fix it, fix me … please?