I wasn’t tagged but I liked the idea of doing this.

1. I am afraid of the dark. No really, when I have to be in the house alone or even if the kids are here and no other adults, I freak out being in the dark. I rush to turn off lights then race to bed. I even leave the light over the stove on so I can see if any shadows come down the all.

2. I have OCD, but its particular. I freak out if my books, dvds or my floss is out of order. I also can’t cope if my makeup is messed up.

3. I don’t shave my legs in winter. I hate doing it to begin with but in the winter, what’s the use? I only shaved in December because of my cousins’ wedding. Haven’t done it since.

4. I have a hand lotion addiction, similar to kaya’s chapstick problem. I can NOT go without lotioning my hands, especially at work. The only time I don’t is when I am stitching because I don’t want to stain the fabric or threads.

5. Another addiction.. hair products. I can’t not try something new for my curls or when I smooth my hair with a flatiron. This also applies to ….

6. I buy hair brushes and wide tooth combs for my hair too. This is in direct proportion to my eyeshadow collection. Eyeshadow pencils to be exact.

7. My last thing.. I’m thinking of abandoning my blog for awhile. Sure I’m glad to have it but I feel disconnected from it and in a bit of a quandry of what to do with it. I barely post. Why bother keeping it up?

I was just roaming a bit. I had just read my google reader and I went to go physically visit a few of my favorite blogs. I don’t visit hardly any blogs but there’s a few I do so that I can leave comments. (I wish I could comment via Google Reader)

So I go roaming and I visit a blog I dearly love and just happen to look at the blogroll. I had been on this particular blogroll for quite some time and much to my amazement I had been removed.

What does it mean to be removed? Why was it done? Should I be offended, had I done something wrong? Couple this with the fact that the owner of the blog hasn’t spoken to me in a while or appeared on my yahoo. So I checked a few other places where the author and I were linked and again, I find I am not included.

I’m not angry. I’m confused. I wasn’t aware that I had done anything to offend or garner being slighted. But I guess I can only do one thing….

Shrug and move on.

I’m sorry that someone felt the need to remove me for reasons I obviously am not aware of. I thought the person and I were friends. Sure, I don’t reach out much lately. I’ve been a self contained unit, relying only on myself and avoiding the online world as much as possible. I can only hope that the person decides one day to reach out and talk to me again.

I have no plausible excuse for not posting. In all honesty I’ve been in the middle of an emotional meltdown most of the last couple of days, and sick to boot. I think I’ve cut more in the last 24 hrs then I have in the last month. I’m stressed and feeling completely alone. I’ve cried 7x today, and I can feel another cry coming on.

So forgive my absence. I am .. broken.

1) I have to go back for the OTHER MRI. I will have to be asleep for this one because I just can’t handle it. That also means the kids have to be occupied with another adult or something. Shawn insists on being inside with me, which I find reassuring even if I’ll be hazy and dozing in and out. I won’t mind knowing someone else is there.

2) I just got a call, for absolutely no reason, and it made my day. I spent literally 57 secs on the phone but it was the sweetest kindest thing that could have happened today. Somehow, the caller knew I needed it (as it seems they did as well) and called at just the right moment. It was just what was required to start the day on a positive note and bring a smile to my otherwise straight faced expression. Thank you for taking the time to call me, you made me smile…. big time.

3) I have things for kaya! I have her books to return (cuz we are doing a book swap) books to send her and THINGS for a small person in her house! No quibbling either woman, I’m sending what I’m sending and I don’t want to hear ANY arguing! *Puts foot down, bitch boots laced on tight*

Off to work! xoxo

I had the MRI. In a word…

Claustrophobic.

I still exist, in some form or fashion. I’m rather out of it tonight but here I am, posting something boring and unoriginal.

Now I’m going back to my book. It seems that I have nothing else to say.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll think of more.

More to come but here’s the gist.

My ortho thinks I have THIS wrong. I have an MRI on Saturday and see the Ortho again on 18th. I will know then if I need surgery, which is likely.

Joy.

New Year’s Eve was a quiet event here. The kids were allowed to stay up till the ball dropped. We all hung out together watching movies, eating our fave junk food, drinking soda and being silly. When midnight got close, we opened the St Julians Sparkling Raspberry Spumante and tossed the new year in as a family. I kissed both my kids right away and hugged them close. Shawn and I exchanged kisses on the cheek and hugged each other. It was nice to feel like things were normal for a while.

Today we have torn down the Christmas tree, all the interior decorations and now I have to dust every flat surface in my house and vacuum up fake tree needles. Shawn is outside with Lauren taking the reindeer, light up trees and other “holiday” type things down from around the exterior. For now, the lights stay up and will likely go on at night for the hell of it. It’s entirely too cold to take the lights down, as the guy on the radio just told me, we won’t crack 20 today. Brrrr!

Work is beckoning soon too. I have to shower and get my ass in gear to go back to the grind. It was VERY nice to have a couple days off since I worked the days before and after Christmas. Ugh, so glad that retail hell is over till December again.

Now that the new year is in swing, I feel a sense of let down. So much of what I had hoped for last year never came to happen. But the new year has a couple of promising things on the horizon for me.

First, Nemmy is coming to this side of the world. After a handful of years in hell/exile (aka Germany) she is returning to California. Sure, it’s not Michigan but she won’t move back here no matter how much I bribe her and she wants to be near her family. She keeps telling me that I WILL be moving out there with the kids but I can’t seem to convince her that Michigan would be lost without me, LOL! We shall see.

Secondly, I have decided to go back to school. I have no clue exactly what for yet but I’m weighing my options and going to settle my mind on something soon and then make it happen.

Thirdly, and this is not a resolution, I am going to lose the weight I’ve gained. In just about 6 months or so is my 20 yr class reunion and *if* I decide to go, I want to look fuckable and amazing better then I do now. I am making a concentrated effort to get my ass in gear and take better care of myself. After looking at some of the “popular” folks from my class on FB, I have decided that I have to lose a few pounds so I look better then they do! LOL! Some got heavy but damn it I want to look like I’ve barely aged at all.

There’s other things in the works of course, but nothing of which I will post openly and nothing I really care to discuss yet. The end of year was a struggle for me. I feel like somehow I lost all of 2009 in a flourish of tears and pain. I refuse to let 2010 be the same way for me. I don’t want to look back with regret and sorrow but with a sense of accomplishment and joy.

It’s time head to the shower and get ready for work. Unfortunately, the real world beckons and I have to answer.

Now if only it wouldn’t always call when it was inconvient for me! :)

Happy New Year!

Here’s hoping that you’re new year starts off with a bang, a kiss at midnight and a feeling of renewal!