That’s right.

The moment is right now.

What will you do with it?

The weekend is finally here and in reality I only get one day to enjoy myself.

I have worked the last 9 days straight. A co-worker, Tom, found his wife passed early Tuesday morning. So I ended up working on my day off, Wednesday. I also had just worked a split shift on Monday and then worked longer on Thursday and Friday both.

Today was spent at a communion retreat for the kids. The place was beautiful but it felt almost surreal. It was hard to believe that place like that existed. They had many animals, a lovely gift shop and the kids made their own bread. I took a bunch of pix and will likely share a few for the fun of it.

We drove seperately, thank goodness. We ended up at a cross stitch shop in Jenison on the way back where I was able to pick up some fabric. I have a lovely “C” to make for a dear friend and had no fabric to work with as of yet. So I was very tickled we found a shop and I grabbed a few bits of things I needed.

The drive was long, boring and it rained all the way back. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. My ankles are swollen and my right knee got twisted walking in the wet grass on the farm. I really just want to curl up and cry. I ache and hurt from a multitude of things.

I’ve struggled with my faith lately. So many things have happened unexpectedly. With the end of my relationship with Bill, the kid’s communion coming up, Lauren’s choir concert, her formal and then a wedding to attend, I seem to be constantly on the go. I have skipped Mass and worked so that I am so tired I can’t muster myself from bed to go. I don’t pray, I don’t talk to God and I keep quietly to myself 99% of the time.

My faith cracked with the seperation of Bill and I. I felt my whole world slip away and finally break when we ended things. We still talk but things are different. I’ve fallen back to boring routines of reading, stitching and quiet time in bed when I can. I don’t use Facebook as much as I was and haven’t spoken to anyone via phone in months. I can’t recall the last time I had a phone call with one of the girls. Oh wait, I don’t speak to any of them. That explains it.

I’m very isolated. Life sucks. I’m in dire need of a life…. change.

Suggestions welcome.

In case you are not aware, Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways,
meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love.

She is represented by roses. Theresa’s Prayer cannot be deleted.

Saint Theresa’s Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be confident knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us..

….to live life without you.

I’m angry that you didn’t fight to keep some semblance of a relationship with me. I’m hurt that you left me exposed and unprotected.

So now I have to start to rethink things.

Bill is gone. I made a choice and he didn’t try to stop me. I have no clue what is going on. There’s been such a break down in basic communication that I just gave up and told him I couldn’t handle the silence anymore. He just nodded and said ok. I think there’s more to it then I’ll ever know. I just know that he didn’t try to stop me and let us break. Not fighting for us hurt me more then anything. I guess I wasn’t worth it after all.

I still want a divorce. I still want things to be over. I want my freedom and I want the chance to be myself for awhile and take care of me without fear of hurting someone else in the process. Shawn needs to JUST the father of my son and nothing more. I already view him that way but now I want it to be a reality. Soon. (There’s more to this then I’m willing to post publically, ALOT more!)

I can’t decide what I want, what I need and how to go about things. I’m at such a loss for words, emotions and desire that I feel like I’m just drifting along in some river of confusion. I need a vacation. I want just a day or two away from responsibility, my cellphone, my job and my kids. I need 48hrs to get my head in order and find some meaning to all that’s happened recently. I want to find a reason to keep going. Sure the kids are great, but I need something for ME, not for anyone else.

I’ve failed so many lately. Bill was just the start and now the end. I seem to constantly fail with Shawn but I’m used to that. I failed Lauren and Logan this week, although at least with Lauren it wasn’t my fault, and my failing Logan is, thats what Shawn tells me.

So now that I feel I’ve been stripped of everything, where do I go? I don’t have the friends I used to, partly do to my own failings (see the theme here?) and I have no shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to vent to so I say things out loud. I usually find more sense in things once they are vocalized to someone else.

My voice falls on no one.

What the fuck do I do now?

So, things changed on me. I was prepared for a change but not what happened today, and I made it happen.

I didn’t want things the way they are now, but to have them left for discussion later. I’ll ramble more on this in a passworded post. I feel the need to let it all out privately where I can really be clear.

More soon….

1. All you need is love, love is all you need.

2. Watching Will & Grace fills me with laughter.

3. Each generation, as it grows up, inherits the abuse of the previous.

4. Being without Bill is something I have a hard time dealing with. I also hate that I am not more active with the few friends I have, or think I have.

5. A trip to the hot tubs, anywhere outside of Michigan or Egypt  is what I need.

6. You go forward and you get back.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to movie night tonight with the kids to watch New Moon, tomorrow my plans include work in the afternoon and Sunday, I want to go to Easter Mass then enjoy the day off work!

I’m back to doing this one too!

1. It’s the first of April, do you play April Fool’s jokes on anyone?

No I’m off today. Although I may DJ today so who knows?

2. Do you like to eat sardines?

Dear god no! LOL

3. Have you ever played racketball?

I did once. Not a fan.

4. If eating at a fast food joint that has a dollar menu, do you order a bunch of different dollar items or just go ahead and get a regular meal?

This time of year I get the any size soft drink for a $1 at McDs and order a McChicken or a McDouble. I don’t need or want the fries.

5. Have you ever taken a brand new pencil and sharpened it in an electric sharper until it was almost gone just because you were bored?

Actually, yes! I did that at work last week.

6. Do you have any old broken computers still sitting around your home?

Yep there’s a laptop with a screen that won’t stay upright, Lauren’s hard drive is Windows NT or 2000, which obviously needs updating. Plus I have my old keyboard, speakers and such from the computer I had before this.

7. Ricky Martin came out this week stating he is gay. Were you shocked, had a feeling, “who?” or just didn’t care?

Not surprised and don’t care. Of course my other reply is “He’s livin the vida cocka”

8. If marijuana is legalized, do you think it should have a luxury tax added onto it?

If so, then luxury tax beer, cigar and cigarettes. I think it would be retardedly stupid to do that.

9. What’s the oddest thing you have sitting on your computer desk right now or where ever it is you may be sitting with a laptop (you could be sitting at a Starbucks with an alien from Mars for all we know)?

I would have to say it’s the half cast from my original wrist injury. Now if  I had answered this question yesterday, I would have answered it was my butterfly vibe LOL!

10. Have you ever bumped into a former lover and found out they were now gay or straight depending on your relationship with them?

ROFL no thankfully that’s not happened to me.

11. Have you ever held a tarantula?

Once at a pet store. NEVER AGAIN!

12. Shower- curtain, door, walk-in, or do you just roll around in the dirt to get the stink off?

Curtain, but I’d love a walk in! Those look so awesome.

13. Which commercial is the most annoying to you on TV or radio?

Oh god there’s those couple with the indian guys doing “Tech Talk”. I fucking HATE those!!!!