When another persons’s opinoin of me either affects my self esteem or has to validate me, I cease the right to be.

My existence is not based on anything other who I am.

If you don’t like me for that, it’s your loss, not mine.

Other people don’t define me. Other peoples perception of me doesn’t matter.

In the long run, it -is- all about me.

I’ve not had the blogging bug as of late, but a certain friend of mine gave my ass a kick and “insisted” I try posting abit more often. This person knows I like the meme style things so when the friend noticed the lack of content in my blog, the friend “inspired” me to post. Here’s likely the only one that will go up this week.

This week is going to be easy… just one question. Ok, well maybe not so easy. Take each letter of the alphabet and describe something in your life… don’t skip any!

A -Antibotics: they are FINALLY out of my system, they were horrible to take.
B – Budding lilac bushes: One turned out to be white, imagine that?
C – Crock pot : I thinking of using mine more often.
D – Dogs: Morgan is getting around better but I still think the time is coming to put her down. Mimi is still obnoxious. I love it.
E – Everything: Everything is cycling and I can’t seem to get any one thing to go where I want it to.
F – Flowers: I am going to try seeds this year again, and see if I can get flowers to grow.
G – Garbage: I hate my burn barrel but it’s cheaper the trash removal service.
H – House: I need to clean it
I – I: feel terrible, can’t focus, am easily distracted, worn out and not eating well. Matter of fact I flat out neglect myself.
J – Juggling: I’m trying to get my life, the kids lives and all that in order. I can’t seem to please anyone lately.
K – Kids: End of the year is coming, Laurens grades suck, Logan is a handful. Normal stuff.
L – Love life: Non existant. Nuff said :)
M – Mom: She seems to think she knows what’s best for me and my marriage. Getting a lecture from her seems sorta ironic.
N – Notes: I try to leave notes for my kids all over the house. I don’t want them to forget I love them.
O – Open windows: Let the fresh air in and make the house smell good.
P – Porch – I wish I had one, or at least a deck for my table outside. I’d sit there and read or stitch.
Q – Questions: I question everything. I doubt everything.
R – Reading: It’s one of my escapes from the shit hole that is my life lately.
S – Stitching: My OTHER escape, now that I have something to stitch.
T – TV: Movies are another great way to forget about the stress.
U – Universal remotes: We have 4 that are identical. Mix those up and its an hour to fix things.
V – Very dark purple: The color of my toenails currently. I love it.
W – Washing machine: Something ELSE that needs to be replaced in my house.
X -XXX: the kind of sex I want to have. Currently its been well over 9mths since Ive had sex. I’m running on batteries, literally.
Y – You: You know you are. See? I’m trying to post upbeat, doesn’t always happen though.
Z – Zebra stripes: I want them on my ass in red thank you very much.

Ta da!

Though it seems like life has handed me a bucket full of shit and stress lately, life isn’t all bad.

My personal life is slowly but surely leveling out. Sure, it’s not all perfect and won’t be for some time but otherwise my life may well be on the road to recovery.

I find myself cruising Fet Life alot more. I read alot of posts others share, joined several groups and even post abit myself. I even have FL on my FB stuff, lol. Most of my friends are like.. what the hell is that???? It’s rather amusing. I love the comments and questions I get asking me about FL and what it’s for. I’m dead honest about it and my “interest” in that lifestyle. Folks just look at me slackjawed. I love it.

I’m about to start my next great stitching project. The only problem is I can’t share any of it on here. Both parts are gifts for one person. One part she knows of because it was requested and I was happy to have an excuse to stitch the item. But the other is a surprise that I don’t want her to see. So I can’t showcase my work on here so she can’t see it. Sorry luna dear no peeking for you!

Shawn is currently outside trying to get the new fuel filter on the van. YAY! That, of course, means that the old one is finally OFF! Now is the fun part. We hope that this was the problem and that he can get the damn thing back together.

For now I think I’ll just wander outside to see if I have a van again. Cross your fingers!

So much has happened, I’m not even sure where to start.

Harold died Monday. He joked with me once about how long he would live after we lost Betty last year. I jokingly said, “Dad I give you a year. You’re lost without Mom.” He replied, “Ill take that bet.” Stubborn old man beat me, by 15 days.

Yesterday was the “small” get together at my brother in law’s house in Grand Rapids. My sister in law is a raging cunt. I absolutely hate her. They are snobs, their friends are snobs, and my sister in law is ashamed of all of us. She boasted about all she had done for my in laws and Harold since Betty had passed but deep down she’s glad they are gone. Now my brother in law can complete his assimilation of be coming a Stepford Husband and she will have her world back the way she wants it.

The best part of the get together was all of Betty’s siblings were there, along with a couple of the cousins. I enjoyed them all very much. It was nice to laugh and joke. I was able to meet Harold’s one remaining sibling, his sister Ceil. She was amazing and sooooo loving.

Mass was difficult today. Today was Ascension. Ftr Joseph spoke of loved ones dying and going to heaven. Shawn was very emotional during the homily. Of course, I was too distracted by the fact that our van died in the street directly outside church. We still don’t have it home and are trying to figure out how the hell to get it home and what the FUCK is wrong with it. I think its the fuel filter or very possibly the fuel pump. The filter seems the more likely culprit but who the fuck knows. I’m at a loss for words.

I’ve cried more in the last 48hrs then I have in months. I’m so emotionally drained. I feel like everything is 5 steps forward and 10 steps back. My mother decided to lecture me as well today, knowing I’m already stressed enough. She seems to think faith and counseling is enough to fix my marriage. The thing she fails to understand is I don’t -want- to be married to Shawn anymore. It’s not a matter of loving anyone else, or anything. It’s about falling out of love. Mom seems to think that counseling will solve our problems so we can, in her words “Find your way back to each other”. I don’t want to find my way back. I want to find my way forward and forge some happiness for myself, independently.

Shawn is a wonderful man. He truly is. I can’t say enough nice things about him. He’s a good father to his son, a sometime impartial stepfather to my daugther and compassionate and helpful to anyone he can help. He’s been a good man to me, and still continues to be there for me when I need him, as I do for him. But when I look at him, I just see a man I know and love, more as a brother. My heart doesn’t race, my breath doesn’t catch and I don’t feel this tugging at my soul to want to curl into his arms and make love or be intimate in any way. I just want to be Theresa.

My mom seems to believe that I’m running away because things are tough. I just want out because the best parts of who I am are no longer alive. I died in this marriage and the parts of me I miss are gone. Shawn wants more from me but I don’t have anything to give him. I’m wrung out and dry. The life is already gone from me.

So for now, I linger in this place I hate…. tired, worn out and currently feeling like life is passing me by while I sit here and wonder what I’ve done to be left behind.

P.S. The bitch I hated at work got fired. She had transferred out but got fired before she was at her new location for even a full pay period. I can’t help but enjoy that just alittle.

I just lost my father in law, about an hour ago.

God bless and keep you Harold. I’ll miss you. Betty is waiting with open arms to greet you.

As it stands right now, I’m going to California for a week in August.

*hopes*

Cross your fingers. I need this vacation.

I’ve not had much energy lately. I had my teeth done obviously and then there has been the issue with Shawn’s father. I’ve been totally lazy and not feeling like visiting my own blog. My google reader has kept me in touch with the blogs I want to read and I don’t feel quite so out of touch with the rest of the world.

I should probably get around to posting some of the pictures from communion. I think I’ll try to get to that this week. I have alot of spare time.

Now back to your regularlly scheduled lull.

Yeah, I did good.

She’s at the end of year “formal” for her middle school. She’s beautiful. You can’t argue that.

Praise the heavens, my teeth are out.

Send love, pity and jello.

and stitching stuff.