Srsly, I give up.

I can’t win. I feel so totally broken right now.

I can’t go into the details right now. I just feel so horrid and numb. My life is just in such an uproar.

I’ll post more when I get my head settled and digest all that just happened.

I could post about how things suck, things are terrible etc etc but in reality I think everyone knows that already.

But I will tell you all about last night.

I told Shawn, yet AGAIN, that I wanted him to move out.

If you read back on our history, you will see that his work history is shaky at best the last 6 yrs. I’ll explain.

When we met he worked for what I will call Beer Place 1. He was happy, had been there a few years and doing well. He got hurt, no fault of his or theirs and was eventually let go after being on workmens comp and told his position was no longer available. It was a lie of course and he was without work. Shawn then worked for Food Place. He hated the hours but the work was honest and a bit treacherous in the winter but we got food from them for nothing and the pay was decent.

After a year of that, he found a job with Chemical Place.This also called for us to relocate to the east side in the Detroit suburbs area(s). That was damn near the perfect job. He was a “route manager”. He delivered chemicals and worked on dish machines every day, did on call work and drove a nifty truck around. After a time they offered to promote him to a “Territory Manager”. That was to be his down fall. Shawn made a $40 judgement call without clearing with his boss and was eventually fired for being stupid and trying to make the customer happy.

We left Detroit after that since I decided I wanted to come back home. (I’m from Battle Creek originally.) So we came back after he interviewed with Soda Place. He got that job and was a salesman. He hates doing sales so why he took it I’ll never understand. But he did and he did well at first. By his own admission, he put the kids and I before his job and was always whining that he wasn’t home etc etc. He slacked and was eventually fired for being lazy and a new boss came in and didn’t like him. Whatever. Fired is fired.

He got a job with Soda Place 2 as a delivery driver. The money sucked, the hours sucked and basically it was just a paycheck so that we had some money coming in. He searched for jobs while working there. He found the job at Beer Place 2 and was seemingly happier then he had been in years. He made good money, worked hard and long hours and we were able to keep up with the bills and still have some cash for fun things.

He was given the chance to do some sales 2 days a week to help out and that worked out perfectly. Beer sales are easy compared to selling soda. Plus, he was doing the sales for the following days which were days he was delivering. He would sell what he delivered, it was seamless.

Now, no one loves their job. No one can NOT find fault with their job or co-workers. Shawn is just like anyone else. But again, you need some background. He is a good man. I mean that sincerely. He is a GOOD man. He works hard to make his customers like him, build a good relationship with them so they will buy more and let him make changes in his favor. The cost of that is has been getting too familiar with some of them and dropping his guard.

He ran his mouth at a stop in Niles. Per HIS story, he was lightheartedly joking saying that he wished he had help that day (5/28/10) and didn’t get any. He had things to do etc etc and a 2nd set of hands would have been nice. Simple and such right? Oh no, his boss T, well his wife was behind Shawn while he said things supposed lighthearted non negative comments and immediately called Beer Place 2 and reported him for bad mouthing the company, T and the Owner. Owner got this call directly (I think) and immediately fired Shawn, while he was still working. Shawn was clueless. He was going about his day like everything was grand, got to the warehouse and was issued papers to sign, drop his stuff off and leave the premises immediately.

Ta da.

Now given that he has been fired repeatedly, I have finally had my fill of working with the bills, figuring out how to rob peter to pay paul and still not lose my damn mind in the process. I have had to file for state assistance and got that and medicaid for the kids. Now I have to file for extra help as well. I also have to juggle the bills yet again and try to keep my head above water and work myself. Oh and my hours are slowly increasing. I have to deal with the kids, the bills, my own job. I have enough shit to deal with that I don’t need him here moping and not working too. He hasn’t gone daily to look for a job. He sits here and cleans which is fine but still he needs to find a job. I can’t afford to do all this on my own and have him here too.

I got into it with him yesterday and had it out. I stood in the garage while he sat there listening. The short version of the conversation is this; I’m NOT in love with you, I haven’t been IN LOVE with for a VERY long time. I know youre a good man, a good father and work hard but I can NOT do this anymore with you. Get out and find a damn job. You will have to move out at some point because I don’t want to work things out.

*Insert his tears here*

Him; I don’t want to lose you. I love you, I want to work things out.

Me; You don’t have that choice anymore. Find a job, I’ll give you the Neon because I am going to keep the van. I am on the loan, I have the kids to deal with therefore I won’t let you leave with it. Get a job, you can stay here for now as my glorified roommate but then once you’re working you will have to move out. I can’t and won’t do this anymore.

End of discussion.

We had a quiet night. Initially he didn’t have much to say to me. I don’t blame him but I won’t be given the silent treatment over being honest about a situation he likes to pretend doesn’t exist. He stuffs his head in the sand and hopes things will go away and clear up on their own. This marriage is over. I am done being HIS wife. I am my own person and we are just roommates. Finally we got over the weirdness and mowed the lawn, ran the weed eater and watched the storms roll in with our neighbors.

Today he had an interview with Beer/Soda Place 3, dropped a resume at Beer/Wine Place and is currently on his cell returning a call to Beer Place 4 that he used to work for years ago before we met. Hopefully one of these pans out into a job. The sooner the better as far as I’m concerned. That is just one more step closer to him moving out and me getting my life in order.

Sure I will struggle financially and need his help. I will have to lean on the state for some help and all but I will do this on my own. I can do this on my own. I need NO MAN to help me. I can be a strong independent woman and survive. I just won’t have a sex life. But that’s no big change either. Shawn and I haven’t had sex in so many months that I couldn’t give you a for sure date. I just know it was before the first of the year. My toy box holds no desire and I either want real cock and beatings, or nothing at all. I can do celibate. I really can.

That’s the whole mess in a nutshell. I WANT OUT and he can’t say he doesn’t know. He is put on notice.

As for my OTHER situation, that is still in a holding pattern. I don’t have a clue how to handle that situation anymore. I just know that eventually I am going to tell that person that either they need to be here and be in my life or they are going to be removed completely. I am not waiting around for when it’s convienent for anyone else anymore. I want to live my life on my terms. I don’t want to be waiting for something when who knows… something good could be right here. I feel the moment of truth dragging itself closer and closer. Sure it won’t be easy and both of us will be wounded from it but a decision has to be made, and that right soon. Lord knows I’m not getting any younger.

Now I’m off to shower and start my day. I am going to CLEAN today and maybe head to town to get a few things I can’t purchase locally. Who knows maybe I’ll swing by and finally get my watch fixed and grab an icy cold Blizzard at Dairy Queen with the kids. Lauren leaves soon and I want to enjoy myself with her as much as possible so I won’t miss her as much. Aww who am I kidding, I’ll miss her like crazy.

Oh and Luna the C is looking SOOOOOO damn pretty. Maybe I’ll sneak you a pic and let you see the color. But the OTHER thing is a surprise

Feeling musical

The last sums everything up

I shouldn’t even be here right now. I’m half dressed for work, and honestly I should be getting ready and not typing this.

I feel caught in the middle, yanno that whole “Rock vs Hard Place” thing?

One the one hand I have Shawn to deal with. On the other I have this other situation to deal with.

Neither are going anywhere currently, nor are they moving backwards. But the lack of forward progression is slowly increasing my stress level to the point of regular anxiety attacks. I have over 20 a day now. I don’t eat (much), I have the weirdest dreams ever and nothing I do is making either situation better. I have to just wait them out.

When will it be my time to not wait? When will others have to wait for me to do something? Why does it always feel like I’m the one at the bottom of the list? Am I unworthy of being at the top?

Today in the shower I just wanted to give up. I wanted to put everyone on notice (in the situations) and say either put up or shut up. I wanted to just cry scream flail kick bang on the walls of my emotional prison and break free.

But no one is waiting to catch me when I fall.

…for the sounds of fucking silence.

Quote Cameron Poe, Con Air.

I have so much I want to say, to sing, to share. I just have no idea how to get it out.

I am feeling alittle country again. Imagine that.

Any good country suggestions? Share them with me please.

Is that what you will say when you see this in your google reader or bloglinks? OMG who ??? Theresa posted!?!?!? Well I’ll be damned.

That’s what I say when I see posts from folks that don’t post often.

Anyway, I am long over due for a quality post about something interesting versus something not, like my last post.

I’ve been sick the last couple of days. There’s drama with Shawn, the kids and my work. Oh and there’s information on my personal life but that will be in a private post only because I’m feeling schticky that way.

I also need to srsly update my links because all the stuff I love to read isn’t listed on my site. I will update that soon too.

But for now .. enjoy this:

Not the best version but I love this song.