This post got me thinking.

I’ve been in that position before. Sure I never got the chance to live life that way but I still had given control to someone else at a point in my life.

Bad Bad Girl is going through that I have called “sub let down”. It sucks. It truly sucks ass. I hate it. I struggled with it and finally just .. let go.

I don’t think of myself as a sub so much anymore as a vanilla woman with submissive tendencies. How can I be a sub when I can’t submit? I have no Dom with whom I can submit. I’m just Theresa. Simple plain Theresa.

My kinks are all very BDSM oriented and desperately need fulfilling but again, how the hell will I accomplish that when I’m on my own and still trying to get out of a suffocating marriage? Once I am out, I will gradually get to munches, meet and greets and start over. But deep down, I have a set of standards. Bill and I may not have lived it face to face, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually there are some HUGE shoes to fill. Bill can’t be easily replaced by some random Dominant. It will take a special Dom to fill that hole and mend my still very broken heart.

I cried when I read her post. I have rode that emotional rollercoaster a few times with Bill and I want to do is send her tissues and a smile box like I was given. But nothing but time mends a broken heart.

Love you Bad Bad Girl, this too will pass.

I just got back from the eye docs and I’m getting new glasses. For the first time, I will have girlie frames.

These are mine, only in Fucshia. I’m never this girlie but I look forward to the change. I may actually start wearing these on a regular basis.

Nate and I have stayed in regular contact this week. It’s been nice to be involved, even if only in part, in his life. He golfs alot, is finishing summer school and we may have him out over night soon to hang out. He’s not seen the house yet, or met Mimi.

Otherwise, life is simple. I stitch, I read, I watch movies from the dvr and I work. My life is uncomplicated with the exception of Shawn. He is the only hitch in my daily life. Sure, he is rarely here but he is -here- and that is enough to inconvienence me. I’d rather enjoy the peace and quiet of my house without him around to be under foot.

The kids are outside. There’s finally a day without humidity to trap us indoors. Lauren is SICK of Caleb and looks forward to him leaving this weekend. Frankly, I agree. He’s been a pain in the ass and eating EVERYTHING in sight. He is constantly stuffing his face. He doesn’t even ask first, he just eats.

Next week brings about only 4 work days, if I recall right. That means I have time to getting the kids ready for school. Lauren’s closet has been cleaned out and organized. Now I just have to tackle Logan’s.

Matter of fact, I think I’ll start now. I really have little to no reason to sit here. More soon :)

see more Wedinator

Yeah I would do that to my bridesmaids, and myself. I would gladly have a BDSM themed wedding.

LOL

Pity, I won’t be doing that again, but a girl can daydream :) I wonder if Luna will do anything remotely kinky?

The last few weeks have been busy with working insane amounts of hours, dealing with kids, dealing with Shawn not having and then getting a job and trying to enjoy a touch of privacy when I can escape the rest of the family.

I’ll start with the better news, just because it’s easier.

I’ve seen Nate 2x in the last week. First I got him Monday and we hit the park with the other kids. We all walked, talked and just hung out. Nothing was discussed that wasn’t appropriate and a nice time was had by all. Last night I had the kids, grabbed Nate and hit my mothers. It had been a year since she and her husband had seen him. We had a great cookout and then went to the local ballpark to take in a baseball game. We lingered a bit to watch a lame fireworks show and then off to get Nate home before midnight.

His grandmother (my 1st ex’s mother) has kept herself out of the equation. She respects that this is all Nate’s choice and isn’t stepping in. I have told him to thank her, but I don’t know or care if he does. I’m just happy to have my son in my life again. We are making plans for another outing soon.

Caleb is having a good time being here and seeing his sister. He thinks of both Nate and Logan as brothers, and spends time equally with Logan. Nate even friended him on FB. He doesn’t want to go home to his dad’s (he doesn’t like the g/f or her youngest son) and wishes he could live with us. He’s a nice kid but I don’t think I could handle him with Lauren and Logan full time. I would if something happened and I had to but not voluntarily.

Work has been hectic. We had vacations and the local County Fair (4H type fair) to deal with and so work made demands on me for extra hours and more responsibility. It was hard work but enjoyable. My paychecks have been a healthy reflection of that. Yesterday was by far the worst. I don’t normally work an 8hr shift so having one was rough on my body and mind. My stamina gave out after 6hrs and I dragged the remainder. Thank god I don’t have another coming up, lol.

I’ve not stitched in a few weeks. For one I don’t have the fabric I need to do my next project nor is there a store locally for me to find what I want. It will require either ordering online or driving out of my way. Neither are option I care to explore but I have something I want to make and so I must do something.

I have been using the MEL lately to bring books to my local TINY library that I can’t afford to buy but ache to read. Between that and playing a couple games on my DS, I spend my free time immersed in something other then stitching lately. If I stay idle, I will go bonkers.

Things are much the same at home. He is working so thankfully I don’t see him much. Shawn drives a route that takes him to and from Detroit 5 days a week. He leaves early and is home late. I don’t have to deal with him much. It’s nice. I feel like a single parent. I guess it’s a taste of things to come for me once we are financially situated and he moves out. The kids still don’t have a clue and that’s the way I like it.

Lauren has had her fill of Shawn lately. They do nothing but fight and she is currently at the point of calling him “Shawn” exclusively (which he is aware of due to recent events) and no longer likes him calling her “his” daughter. She is slowly seperating herself and has said she looks forward to the day he leaves. She has figured enough out on her own to know what’s coming without me having to say a word to her at all.

I’ve picked up reviewing again. I will be posting reviews soon. I am working for 2 online sites. I had some idle time and wanted to get my hands on some new toys. It’s not like I’m having sex so why not enjoy some quality (and decent quantity) orgasms on my own? Again, just a taste of life to come, lol. The life of a single mother is boring but will not lack orgasms!

My friend H came over one day last week and helped me organize my craft cubbies and make the hard choices to throw things out. We sat talking, laughing and being silly all while my hutch, my cubbies and my living room got tidier. I hope to tackle my bookcase this week and weed things out and then clean out the cubbies next to my desk. I need to make my living space nicer and neater. Plus I love being able to find things easily.

I guess that’s enough rambling about my boring vanilla life for now. Watch this space for a toy review soon. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you and seeing if I can drum up a sale or two. For tonight, I think I’ll enjoy the quiet since Shawn and the kids are in town at a friends and read. I hadn’t thought I’d get a post up worth much but obviously I did. Maybe I’ll manage a 2nd this week (aside from my review) and do a meme or something.

In the mean time, enjoy a few things.

This is such a good tune.

I’m trying to believe, but there’s days I am very weak and hide it. I don’t want you to know.

Amazing song that reaches out and touches me.

*sigh* Srsly this guy rocks.

It was 1) a bar, 2) at a dry cleaner then 3) a golf course for me. (They all sucked)

I had meant to post all about my former evil mother in law and the crap she pulled over the 4th, but time got the best of me and I never wrote and my anger abated. So I let it go and I shrugged it off.

Now, I can really piss her off.

My former husband C (father of Lauren) adopted his 2nd wifes son upon her passing. His name is Caleb. Shawn and I have been close to Caleb since before his mother, Dawn, passed in 2004. He used to spend a great deal of time with us (to be with his sister) and we always treated him as one of our own.

Most summers Lauren is visiting her dad in Ohio and Caleb in up here visiting C’s family. This year Caleb’s real father, B, had time with him. Lauren and Caleb rarely see each other over the summer due to the arrangements. Well this year, I have offered to take Caleb for 2 weeks so that he can spend time with Lauren. I guess, from what Lauren said, he screamed in delight “YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSS” at the top of his lungs, right in front of my former evil mother in law!!!!!!! Of course, this was met with much happines on my part. She can’t control my not seeing him, as she has done in the past, and C is letting Caleb make the choice without interference.

To former evil mother in law: IN YOUR FACE YOU OLD HYPOCONDRIAC BITCH!!!!!!

/rant over

I feel so much better now. :)

I had the SHITTIEST day at work and this totally made me laugh. Thank god for flamers.

Before I run off to work, here’s a teaser for a post I’ll be writing on one of my days off this week.

That callous fucking bitch that used to be my mother in law was at the 4th of July cook out I attended.

If that doesn’t make you wonder what I have to say, nothing will.

More VERY soon.

Apparently I’m as bored as kaya & rayne but also desperate enough to post this just to have a current post up.

Enjoy!

1. What is your first name?
Theresa, but that’s obvious. It’s all over my blog.

2. Were you named after anyone?
Sister Therese Mary, she was pretty damn awesome.

3. Do you wish on stars?
Wish on stars, pray to the pagan gods/goddess’, still pull the petals off flowers for a little “he loves me he loves me not”. I’m a girl at heart.

4. When did you last cry?
Last night but in honesty, it’s a daily thing anymore.

5. Do you like your handwriting?
Only if I take the time to really focus and make it nice, otherwise it looks like Dr’s scrawling.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Mmmm honey roasted turkey, dress that with cheese lettuce mayo and a touch of honey mustard and I’m tripping over myself to get to the kitchen.

7. What is your most embarrassing CD?
Anything by Eminem. I can’t stand him but some of the songs are fun to play with on my mixer program and make new tracks from. I would have said Ace of Base but I finally unloaded that.

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
It would be depend. Did we meet in a bdsm circle? More then likely yes but I would be annoyed with myself alot. I’m horrible about keeping in touch with folks unless they are calling me or on my yahoo.

9. Do you have a journal?
This blog is my journal but yes I have been keeping a written one for the last few months. Things I don’t want anyone to read on here have to go there, though I have the privacy feature here, sometimes I like to see the raw truth and hurt in my own handwriting. It helps to work through the pain and frustrations.

10. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Define.. alot?

11. What are your nicknames?
Brad from 8th called me Terri or Hoss (as a joke), Lee called me a variety of cutesy names, Chuck never called me anything but Theresa and Shawn calls me TJ. Bill had a myriad of pet names for me but mostly my Dad’s nick for me was my fave, Reese. Only my ex Scott ever used it and I loved it. I still love the nick to this day. It brings back tons of good memories but no one calls me that at all, much to my chagrin.

12. Would you bungee jump?
With my bad knees, hell no. If I were stronger and healthier, hell yes. Adrenaline here I come!

13. Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?
Why? Im just going to slide my feet back in them later.

14. Do you think that you are strong?
I think I am very strong mentally and emotionally. I can take alot before I break down and lose it. I have had my limits tested recently and I finally broke into a screaming crying fit that left me throwing up in the bathroom and sick for the last few days. I can take anything that’s thrown at me, but at some point, expect it thrown back at you.

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Vanilla is great for dressing up how you want it but my absolute personal fave is French Silk but not that one with coffee flavors. Its the one thats frozen chocolate mousse then whipped with shards of dark chocolate, mmmmm. Orgasmic!

16. Shoe size?
11 mostly but sometimes its a 10 or a 12, depends on the brand and cut.

17. Red or pink?
Only if your painting my body parts with beatings

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Im horrible about keeping in touch with folks. I am lax on my blog (only because I have no one pressing me to post) and I ignore medical advice. Fuck it why bother has been my moto lately. Im looking for a good excuse to start being better about all that stuff.

19. What do you miss most?
Submission. I miss being a submissive. I don’t and will not submit to Shawn. He wouldn’t know what to do with me and my kinks. I have to have someone that understands my mind and needs and won’t freak out about doing the stuff I like. I want to submit again so badly I can freaking taste it.

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
No because I don’t care :) do it if you want.

21. What color pants/shoes are you wearing?
Navy blue Nike shorts on and barefeet. I just got out of work.

22. What are you listening to right now?
The latest gossip from Shawn about my friend’s son and Mimi barking.

23. Last thing you ate?
Um a couple of animal crackers at work. I don’t eat much these days.

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
LILAC!!!! It’s the most amazing shade of purple. :)

25. What is the weather like right now?
Unseasonably cool considering its July 1st. Only about 74 with a light breeze and little to no humidity. We deserve this break since we have had awesome storms alot lately.

26. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Um Lauren called me at work to say hi. So I guess her, but I take calls at work as well so it could have been anyone.

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
I go right the eyes and smile. I’m all about the kind eyes and sexy grin.

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I like Rayne. I didn’t get it from her but I ganked it from her :) She’s on my google reader and I usually share her stuff on my shared stuff listing.

30. Favorite sport?
HAWKEY!!!!! GO REDWINGS!!

31. Hair color?
Mine, just your average plain brown with some redish highlights, I don’t color it or anything. I used to worry about covering the gray but why? I’ve earned them and I don’t care. If folks don’t like it thats their problem.

32. Eye color?
Hazel with flecks of green in them, I’m told they are quite pretty but I don’t notice.

33. Do you wear contacts?
No I don’t want to go around poking my fingers into my eyes.

34. Favorite food?
I love french fries, pizza and ice cream. But I love tacos and salads too. I like variety. I think my all time fave snack food is popcorn, the “homestlye” by PopSecret :)

35. Last movie you watched?
Back to back to back war films: Black Hawk Down, U-571 and Platoon. I’m odd, I like guy flicks. I like girlie stuff too but I really love a good action movie.

36. Favorite day of the year?
Any day that I can make stress free and relaxed. I would say my birthday but nothing ever happens that day. I would say a holiday but everyone loves those. I would guess my favorite day would eventually be the day I can finally submit and wear a collar and really let inner self out and be seen regularly.

37. Scary movies or happy endings?
Scare the living fuck out of me

38. Winter or summer?
Summer, up here it’s LOVELY!

39. Hugs or kisses?
Both, I’m greedy.

40. What is your favorite dessert?
Ice cream :) Tin Roof Sundae extra peanuts (without the damn brown skin stuff on it)

41. Who is most likely to do this meme?
Whomever feels like it.

42. Who is the least likely to do this meme and comment?
Don’t care :)

43. What books are you reading?
Just one right now, Cleopatra’s Daughter by Michelle Moran, really damn good.

44. What’s on your mouse pad?
SpongeBob Squarepants :D I need a new one though.

45. What did you watch on TV last night?
Some Tigers baseball, and randomly changed channels, I was stitching last night too.

47. Favorite sound?
The voice at the other end of the phone usually but lately, silence.

48. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Def Leppard, next.

49. What’s the furthest you’ve been from your home?
Bermuda, Canada and Texas. But home is where the heart is, so I’m never near home anymore. My heart is elsewhere.

50. Do you have a special talent?
Besides being a perverse sarcastic bitch, not really but folks say I stitch nicely and can write well. Im good at self expression.

51. What is your ring tone?
Shinedown – Sound of Madness is my general ringtone but Shawn has “Hard Workin Man” by Brooks & Dunn and Bill had “KISS – Dr Love”. My poor phone is usually on vibrate anymore. I get sick of the damn ringers going off.

Now that I’ve posted, I’m off to stitch and eat something, if I can keep it down. Plus I think I may curl up with my book for awhile. I am off tomorrow and want some downtime. Too bad my damn neighbors are out tossing horseshoes, loud drunk bastards :)