Since I seem to write nothing of importance lately, I’ll do a life update.

I’m still not entirely myself. I don’t think I’ll ever completely recover from the Friday where I wanted to die. It changes you when you get that low.

Out of the events of Friday, Deb had mentioned my devestatingly horrible desire to die to Heidi. Yep, Heidi. Not a name you’ve heard or seen here in well over a year. Well, we are speaking again. Let me just say that I am happy we are. I have missed her and we have agreed to let sleeping dogs lie and move on past the issue that caused the breach. She understands things better and took complete responsibility for what happened. Done & over.

Speaking of responsibility. My oldest child, Nate, decided to find me on Facebook. Being just like his father, he is a coward. Of course this doesn’t surprise me. He wrote me telling me he still hated me and thought I was a bum and a loser. *Shrugs* The opinion of a 14 yr old that has had his mind warped by that mental defect (ty Bliss) of a grandmother means nothing to me. I wrote him back informing him of the following:

1) You spelled your own name wrong
2) Grow up and act like a young man. Take responsibility for your own actions
3) You are now blocked on Facebook

I refuse to deal with that kind of crap from someone that can barely wipe his own ass. I forwarded the lovely email to his father, not that he cares, and basically said if he condoned that kind of thing then he was no better then Nate and lacked maturity. I doubt I’ll hear anything back, except that it’s my own fault and that I deserve it. Lowlifes.

I did win the judgement I had against Lee and his mother. (She has guardianship of Nate). I am no longer on the hook for support. She doesn’t want my money and he isn’t entitled to it anymore now that she has legal guardianship. I will have to go to small claims to get back what Lee got that he wasn’t supposed to. It will mean a fight but it’s worth it to make him repay over $1000 he never should have gotten. As for Nate, I will speak to him when he can speak to me with some decency and act like a young man. Until then, I am washing my hands of him and his bullshit. It sounds harsh but oh well.

Lauren is doing well in school. She got her first progress report. She had 4 A, 1 C and 2 D. I knew about the Ds and track her daily in school thru Edline. The grades are already up to Cs and so I know she just started out rough. She loves cheer and enjoys school this year. I’m glad to see her so happy.

Logan is growing like a weed. He’s doing well and likes his 1st grade teacher. It’s all about the books and specials for him. He LOVES PE and art.

Shawn. Well, that’s a fun subject. We got into it Tuesday night and I finally blurted out that I wasn’t happy. I also informed him that I didn’t have trust/respect/faith in him any longer. It was direct and blunt but needed to be said. The following morning when he told me he wasn’t going to give up without a fight, I informed him that I wasn’t interested in that. Yet another blow to him. I wasn’t mean about it or rude but honest. I’m not interested in working things out. It’s very simple. This is obviously still a work in progress. We shall see what the coming weeks bring us.

Some have questioned or thought my feelings came on like this due to someone else. I’m proud to say that’s the farthest thing from the truth. My feelings are mine, based on how things have been the last 2 yrs and how I’ve been treated. I felt this way long before I allowed myself to look at the world around me. Now, I see things that I missed before and my heart is starting to mend and feel full again. A few of you know the real story behind what that means and others don’t. I know in due time I’ll be just fine again but it’s a process. Time will heal me.

I’ve opted to not get my CDL to drive bus locally. The idea of driving a big yellow twinkie in the horrible snow we get here scares me. Not to mention, I don’t want to be responsible for 75 kids that aren’t mine. Maybe next year I’ll look into it earlier so I have time to gain some confidence behind the wheel. For now I will look for work in other areas. There’s just enough industry around here that I should be able to find something.

It’s about time for my radio show so I’ll wander out to get myself ready, that and my tummy is rumbling.

This post is going to be complicated. I have a few things to address and none of them are simple.

First I spoke with my mother yesterday. Yes I spoke with the Anti Christ. It started as the last few of our conversations (with me being closed off and pissy because its her calling) and ended up in our agreeing that she needs to start acting right and I’ll start giving her a chance to treat the kids right. Obviously I can’t and won’t revisit the entire conversation here but needless to say it was a good conversation and we are on trial basis to see if she can act like she is supposed to.

Then there is my personal struggle with a friend this week. I’ve been under some stress and a friend of mine is having some issues with real life lately. Unfortunately, there is little I can do but be a good friend and watch this person try to make sense of the 3 things that are causing them pain. I want to be there in the way I know they need me to be but they have to go through all this on their own. I have to just stand back and offer my hand if they stumble and my arms for an embrace if they need it.  Never mind, the person doesn’t need me at all. They proved that.

The drama from my former employer has calmed. I had a talk with someone regarding some of the “she said/she said” and straightened a few things out. Let me start by saying that supposedly copies of my blog (and myspace) were posted some place for public consumption, and supposedly if I didn’t stop being angry about the situation and posting about it, there was going to be charges pressed. Guess what? I can go on all I like. I’ve mentioned NO names of anyone and never once used the store name. I have done nothing wrong and if the person that is complaining (and crying from what I’ve heard) doesn’t like my posting about it then quite frankly, stop reading it. No one forces you to read it or come here. (My Myspace has since been set to private so that has curtailed the problem there) Get over it chica. I can say what I like and there’s little you can do about it.

Not working has left me with time to get my house in order. I am slowly organizing things in a better and neater fashion. With Lauren being home, I have some help with it all. I’ve missed her a bunch and glad to see she enjoyed herself but I’m glad she’s back. I don’t like sending her away for even a short time. She belongs here with me.

She came home with a huge bag full of clothes and we’ve washed and folded them all. Now we just need to hang them up and have her go through all the jeans in her dresser to see what fits. Everything that both kids have outgrown will go to my church in Kalamazoo and get donated to the reservation.

Now I gotta get my ass in gear. I have to get the kitchen tidy again, get the last of the laundry done and go tackle cleaning out my car. I have a doctors appointment to move (I double booked myself on Monday) and I have to get my bloody brace on. I’ve been diagnosed with carpal tunnel on Tuesday. Lovely. So I have this huge brace to wear that goes to my freakin elbow (almost) and I scheduled my follow up for Monday but I have court Monday to clear up the mess about child support for my oldest.

UGH! Too much to do and not enough time to do it.

Due to a major crybaby, I will just have to protect certain posts now. So if you see something passworded, leave a comment and I’ll share. At least now I can really call it as I see it and no one is the wiser.

Grow up honey, it ain’t always about you. You’re not that damn special.

Happy now??