I’m hopelessly in love with you.

My friends think I’m crazy for holding out and hoping it really is me you want to be with, but inside me, even if you hurt me, I know you are the only one that truly gets who I am on a deeper level then any other person will ever understand.

I live with fear that you will never be here with me but my heart doesn’t stop beating or calling for you, waiting for you to answer.

I can live without you, I just don’t want to.

I know I don’t say it much right now, nor do I say other little things you and I both need. It’s the separation and hurt that makes me hold back so I can try to protect myself, just a little in the only way I can.

Don’t doubt my love for one single moment. You are the reason I love still.

There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare
See how I’ll leave with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do

There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it’s bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I’ve heard one of you
And I’m gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won’t be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

I cried because this describes so much of how I feel lately.

You.. yes you, you know who you are….

This made me think of what is going on….

Apocalyptica – Not Strong Enough ft. Brent Smith from thenwo on Vimeo.

Listen to the lyrics, listen to them closely.

It is true.. all of it is true.

Day 16 – Song You Used To Love But Now Hate:

Lord almighty, I hate this song, actually always have! Love Tim, but this just rubs me raw

Day 17 – Song You Hear Often On The Radio:

I actually love this song!

Day 18 – Song You Wish You Heard On The Radio:

There’s no video for it, but it’s one by an old band that toured in the 1990s called School Boy Crush. They were amazing.

Day 19 – Song From Your Favorite Album:

I love classical music. I love the modern twist that is put to this long time favorite of mine. I wish I had this CD. I’ll have to track down the tracks for my mp3 player.

Day 20 – Song You Listen To When You’re Angry:

I’ve listened to this 3x today. I’ve had a hell of a day. Dave is just a genius. Then.. there’s something about the double bass drum beat that just .. gets me

Day 21 – Song You Listen To When You’re Happy:

This is the ONLY version of this song I like.

Day 22 – Song You Listen To When You’re Sad:

I’m always afraid I’ll hit this point and I don’t want to, ever.

Day 23 – Song To Play At Your Wedding:

I VERY SERIOUSLY doubt I’ll ever get married again, but this is the song I would want to dance to with my husband. I would be lucky to find a real love that has the potential to last.

Day 24 – Song To Play At Your Funeral:

Day 25 – Song That Makes You Laugh:

OR

Both of these are so much fun to sing!

Day 26 – Song You can Play On An Instrument:

Yes I really can, on the flute.

Day 27 – Song You Wish You Could Play:

Day 28 – Song That Makes You Feel Guilty:

Somehow this song tells me I didn’t live up to my potential.

Day 29 – Song From Your Childhood:

Bob Seger was the mainstay of my childhood. I could turn him on the record player and I was lost in his voice, singing along and forgetting that I was hated by my father, unwanted by so many and forgotten among kids at school.

Day 30 – Favorite Song From A Year Ago:

Sometimes I feel like I am failing and this song embodied how I felt a year ago and still feel sometimes.

This finally concludes the 30 Days Of Song Challenge I started a long time ago. Some of these songs are still daily reminders of the life I lead, and won’t change. I don’t give up easily on things and I’m still clinging to the notion that life, my life .. will somehow turn out how I dream it should.

I sat along the side of the highway, crying so hard I threw up, and he passed me. I thought I would die from the emptiness.

*sigh*

Okay fine. As if I don’t have enough damn reminders to overcome:

There were a ton more I could have used here, but I opted for this one. It was the most recent song that I had discussed with the person it reminds me of.

This song is very personal. It brings a lot of emotion to the surface for me.

The only thing that he can’t do is …..

I hate this song. I absolutely hate it. I always have. I don’t know why. But when I hear it, I want to punch kittens in the face, and smash antiques.

Life took what I do firmly believe is the final turn with Bill.

He announced, though I think he knew last week, that his daughter is pregnant again. (She got very sick last week.) This is his oldest and mother of his grandson, Bub. (My nickname for him that seems to have stuck with that entire family, you’re welcome Bill.)

Given this information, he has opted to stay in South Carolina, permanently.

I knew 6mths ago when the daughter relocated back to SC that it was over. The finality of it just wasn’t final. We both played along that things would be great. He would be here, my life would change and I would get the kind of ‘in your face’ lifestyle that I had so desperately longed for.

Yeah… not happening.

Have I cried? Have I been angry? Have I had moments of saying things that would send people reeling, shocked by how venomous I am? Sure. The last 6mths have been a lie, for lack of a better word.

But oddly enough, I am not bitter.

I saw it coming, I felt it coming. Ring given or not, I knew long before he did that he would never leave. For a variety of reasons, which I won’t air here, I knew. He showed me in ways I don’t think he realized he gave away.

I won’t drag him through the mud. I think in his own way he was at one time very much in love with me, but he never had to give anything up to be with me. There was no sacrifice on his part other then time, which he has due to working from home.

When/if he has to visit Chicago and if he asks to see me for an afternoon, I will likely go. I see no good reason to toss a 4 yr friendship out the window just because the relationship has ended. We started as friends and will end as friends. I can’t help that he has fantastic taste in women (me) and won’t deny him the chance to me in my amazing presence. *chuckles*

Other news:

I’m starting the 30 Day Song Challenge soon. It will not be daily, as I just don’t want to be on much right now (except on Fet) and will do my best to get at least 2 songs on a week.

Sad news:

The light in my less then 4 yr old makeup mirror is 1/2 dead. Srsly, I cried my eyes out. What the fuck? When it rains, it pours.

Someday, when I’m older
And they never know my name
Somehow, if I’m honest
I can never feel ashamed
Maybe I was wrong to
Hold you up so high
Now I know I’ve lost you
To the feelings I kept inside

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

Someday, when it’s over
And you never show your face
I hope you’ll remember
How I tried to make you a place
And so now, I move on
To keep my piece of mind
In someway, I’ve failed you
But I just ran out of time

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

I’m not sure that you hear me
I’m not sure that you look at me the same
I will always be attached to you
But I’m never gonna feel the same

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time
No, you never took the time

Someday, when I’m older…