Sake of Sanity

I’m not sorry for the passworded posts. I had to express a part of myself that has sat dormant for a long time. My sexual identity has been confused and surpressed.

I’m still not entirely sure what I am and where I’m going but I’ll find the way and hopefully settle into a comfortable existence and be happy in the skin I have.

My confusion partly stems from lack of a partner that wants to experiment. I give Shawn credit, he’s tried things with me but he freezes up and can’t see past “beating” me versus me asking for the pain. Yes I am a masochist. I’m not a pain slut, but I like sensation mixed with my kink. Sure, toys are great but I want to feel something while being toyed with.

His lack of vision makes it hard to be comfortable with him in that kind of setting. He just isn’t in the “Dom Zone”. We have tried a few times but he isn’t really cut out for the job of taking on that mental attitude.

Being a Dom can’t be easy by any means. Hell, it’s not easy to be a submissive. Communication has to be key. I’ve been reading again, trying to find my mental place in the midst of my kinky desires and weird dreams. I cracked open a copy of “The Bottoming Book” that was purchased for me several years ago by a Dom friend of mine. (He was also the first I ever played with and bought me several other books and my first collar to wear for play) The book struck me, now that I have better understanding of what I am. Its taken me years to figure out that I am a submissive with a tendency for pain (on the mild side of course) that is also a Daddys girl. I don’t believe in one clear cut type of submissive person. We all  have facets that peek out periodically. My “Daddys girl” side is the most obvious. My maso side is the quietest while my submissive soft side is just part of who I am (at least in the right setting).  So now I read daily in the book and work towards expanding myself mentally so that my next scene will be fantastic. I’m working on a list of my likes, wants and needs. What I have to have, what I want to feel and what I wish would happen in a scene to make it successful.

I don’t believe I have to have sex in the scene to make it right. I’d be just as happy being tied and getting a nice ass beating or maybe just some sensory deprivation. Sure, an orgasm in scene wouldn’t upset me but it can go either way. (Yes I’m getting heavy today aren’t I? Hell I don’t think I’ve posted this much about submission EVER on my blog LOL)

I just finally hit the point of either having to embrace what I am internally or letting it die slowly, but I can’t let go of it. I am what I am, regardless if anyone accepts it or I’m used in the way I want to be.

I can recall some of my earliest fantasies. Until a few years ago when I first got introduced to the lifestyle, I thought that everyone had the same weird thoughts I did. When I was younger, I recall one of the houses we lived in where my room was right off the dining room. I laid in bed, trying in vain to fall asleep. I can still see the room, as if I was laying in the bed, and my mind wandered. I was this woman, tied up firmly against some kind of tree and I was screaming and yelling for help. I was totally alone and helpless and along comes this larger then life man and I was taken from the tree (but somehow not untied) and taken to a private room with him. I was used. I remember it very clearly. (Mind you I was a very sexually aware child. Mom taught me early what sex was, thank You “Where Did I Come From” book.) I was used hard, still bound and kept. In the dream I was never released. I stayed there for all time. The same goes for the things I read (well before I should have.) Johanna Lindsay is the classic damsel in distress writer where the woman is generally taken by some kind of force and she’s kept against her will until she falls in love wiht her captor. I grew up reading these books (secretly) and masturbating to them. (I started with that early too.) For me, those women in the books were idealy what I wanted to be, taken from the horrible life I was living and taken to some place where I would wanted, desired and loved.

I grew up shitty. It’s not a secret. Mom moved me all over the town I grew up in, I traveled back and forth to Texas every summer for years (abused by my stepmother) and when I was home in the summer, virtually ignored by my mother thanks to softball. I learned how to clean & roll marijuana early on. I drove my mom home drunk from the bar when I was like 12 and I sold pot in school to make money. No big secrets here. I lost my virginity to whom I considered to be my high school sweetheart at age 15, screwed up in high school and had to do summer school and night classes my senior year. I got pregnant on prom night and had to have an abortion due to the conditions of my pregnancy. During my junior year, I declined a ride with 2 friends of mine from 9th grade and it was a blessing in disguise. The driver and my ex boy friend Tim was killed. Chris, the passenger, suffered a broken back in 3 places but no injury to his spinal cord. I was dating Tim at the time of the accident.  I’ve never quite forgiven myself for not going on that ride to Marshall but then I’ve never understood why I opted to stay home.

Life sucked. Hard core. I hated my mom. My step dad was cool as hell, his son was a loser that tried to rape me once in my own bed. (I dated his best friend who was a couple years older then me, Alan something or other) I moved out several times until my grandmother took me in at age 18.

I’ve dated losers, great guys, geeks, big guys, whimps, musicians and women. I’ve done my fair share of fucking around, sexual experimentation. But my dreams were always my escape. I was always the girl that had the wonderful man to steal her away and make the world all right again. I’ve waited my whole life, thus far, to make some sense of who and what I am.  Now I have a clue! YAY me!

Now that I know what I am, I can take control and make the most out of it. I think for the moment, my able bodied self will just have to take matters into her own hands. :) Nothing like a good book, a box of toys and a vivid imagination to set the body and mind free.