Firstly, I have just (meaning in the last 1min) renewed my blog. Yep, it’s paid. You will all be stuck with me for another year. Sorry.

Now to the “aww crap” part.

In just under 20 mins, Christmas break starts. Like most of you (with kids) it’s about time to have to endure the kids for a solid 2 weeks of nagging, complaining of being bored, hating how cold it is outside (at least HERE it is) and just in general being a total nuisance.

Lauren isn’t too bad. She has her laptop, tv, stereo and will basically leave me alone until she wants to Just Dance with me. Logan has his laptop (yes they both have one) and his tv, PS2 and DS. He will not be much hassle until he wants food, or the Wii.

But my issue is the 2 stepkids of my friend Steph. Her step daughter is pretty easy. She will hang with Logan etc, have her DS, read, craft or bug Lauren. It’s the boy I am dreading dealing with. He’s a carbon copy of my older son Nate. He lies, manipulates, uses and doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself. I don’t like him… like.. at all. I know that’s harsh but I’ve had my fair share of bullshit with Nate. I’m not looking forward to dealing with Boy at all.

Otherwise, I finally made the coffee cake. It was A-MAZING!!! I also made rice crispy treats for the 2nd time since they go so fast in this house. I have basics for dinner planned out each week so I can go to the grocery store with a plan. I am researching more recipes as the weeks go by and finding things that work with the ingredients I have versus trying to find something to make and then shop. I ended up with a great baked mac and cheese recipe by fluke! It turned out great I must say.

I’ve become more and more domestic. The only bad thing to all this.. I rarely do my hair anymore. I wash it, let it air dry and just yank it up into a pony, a braid or even worse.. a BUN! For those of you that stay at home, how do you manage to still feel the need to make yourself presentable? I can’t find the desire to make myself look passable anymore. I’m rather BLEARGH about it to be honest. I know I will have to do it for the holidays but otherwise I could care less.

I’ve been plugging away at my friend’s wedding flowers. I am doing her arrangement, the nosegay to throw, both mother’s and father’s flowers and the groom’s. I’m not exactly skilled at doing floral but I’m enjoying it and finding it a nice way to distract myself when I have little else to do.

I’ve totally ignored my Wii. I haven’t danced a lick in a few weeks nor have I done my EA Active 2 at all, though I promised myself I would start doing it.

Did you know.. there is absolutely NOTHING on tv during the day? Thank god for movies on the DVR or dvd player.

Lauren made the local club team, I’m sure I mentioned it. Well, I’m happy to report that through a fundraiser, she has raised enough money to cover our half of her session fees. (Her father had to pay half as well, after the scholarship amount was deducted). Now I only have to pay for her warm up jacket and she is all set for the season. So yay lauren!

I’m rambling, are you bored yet?

I have finished all my handmade gifts for Christmas. I have just a few things to get for the holiday. Gift cards, a CD for Shawn, Lauren’s few things and my mom wants an MP3 player if you can imagine! The woman can barely copy/paste or forward an email with a recipe swap in it but she wants an MP3 player so being the good daughter I am, I am getting her one! I will have it all pre-loaded with music of course and make it as simple as possible to use. I will have to be the one to update it for her too (when she needs new music) but it will be fun to force her to drive out here to make it happen. The last few items for stockings still need to be purchased and then paper, boxes, gift bags etc. Oh the joys of wrapping paper, tape and tissue paper! …. not.

I just looked at my categories on my blog. Sexual identity. I have none. I’m just Theresa. I’m not really a submissive anymore. I’m not anyone’s sex-toy, plaything, fuck-doll. But boy do I wish I was! It sucks not having a sex life. It sucks having zero identity other then “MOMMMMMMMMM” or “Theresa”. I miss being something else. Then again, for the next 2 weeks, I have ZERO privacy to do anything bad anyway. But believe you me, I WILL find a way to sneak off and grab an orgasm or two during the next 2 weeks. I may not be able to really get into it but I will have a few :) I may even count them off here for the fun of it!

So now that I look, the kids are due ANYtime and then my 2 weeks of Mom starts. The kids don’t go back until Jan 3.

Please Santa, make Jan 3 get here really fast!!!

I’m totally bored.

I was going to bake coffee cake but I have no vegetable oil. Since I have no transportation, I can’t exactly run out and get some either. I also never got the bread mix I wanted for my bread machine so that idea got stuffed as well. I have a yellow cake mix and some frosting but in all honesty, I don’t want cake laying around. If I had another cupcake pan I would make those but again, not enough stuff. I have the makings for sugar cookies .. almost. I have no baking powder.

So, in light of the fact that I am a stay at home mom for the time being, I will be gathering things to bake more often. Even if it’s just box stuff, I will bake and whatnot just to keep busy. I have several cookie recipes I want to try thanks to that cookie swap that is going around. But I have almost none of what I need to make the stuff. Grocery store – you are a priority!

If you read my last post regarding FF and MF (Mutual Friend) then that’s another reason I am stuck.

I really hate things as they are. I dislike that FF doesn’t have the guts to face me directly. (Note: I am not caring if FF reads this or not at this point.)

Anyway, back to FF. The whole situation really pisses me off. FF has no trouble asking about me and wanting to know how my children are and inquire as to how I am. But heaven forbid if information regarding FF gets back to me, lest I judge and such. If FF makes bad choices and screws up their life, that is entirely on them. I don’t wish FF ill but I also do not care about the comings and goings of their life. I have my reasons for the rare inquiries I make. I ask once in a while only because their are minor children involved and their welfare is important, regardless of the situation. There is also a family member of FF’s that is very ill and concerns me. It is the last true person local to FF that seems to care about FF or the minor children. Losing that family member will be devastating to FF and I dread that moment for all their sake.

As I sit back and read over my previous lines, it almost makes me wonder if I seem like I want a relationship with FF again. I had to step away to really truly think on that before continuing.

I don’t. I do not miss the drama, the constant flowing of troubles that seemed to plague FF, many of which were of their own doing. I don’t miss the struggles and woe that seemed to follow FF close on their heels.

But I do, however, miss the laughing, the joking and the ridiculousness of the friendship. It had been a hard forged way at the start but we had ended up close, right up until the end. The ending coming the way it did is what caused such irreparable damage to our relationship. FF and I have attempted on two occasions to fix things and speak. One attempt came upon an email exchange through a website we are both members of. Sadly, the finger pointing of the situation FF found unacceptable in my life continued and we fell out again. Then there was another slight attempt through MF and that didn’t work out either.

With the holidays coming, I had a fleeting thought to write FF myself. But I have discarded it since I see no reason to pursue something that will never go anywhere. FF is undergoing a great deal of change in their life and I am very sure that when those changes are implemented, I will not be a thought in FF’s life again.

New Year’s is just around the corner. My resolution is to leave behind the friendship, or what is left of it, and move on. It is over, it will stay over and I no longer wish to entertain the thought of ever recovering what was lost so many years ago.

FF, goodbye. You were once an invaluable part of my life but you showed me where I measured up in yours and yet I had let hope linger that we could have mended our breach. Now, I know better and am leaving you in my past, where you belong and very obviously where you have left me. I bid you good luck and well wishes but in the future.

Now, I have to figure out what other things I wish to purge from my life that aren’t good for me or profitable in any way. All of the sudden I have a rush of people, circumstances and other things I can think of and remove from my life. I think the new year will find me expelling a good many things from my life and finding the simpleness of a quiet existence of a stay at home mom.

So, obviously I’ve been busy. Sure I may not have a job but I have found creative ways to stay busy and doing “stuff”.

My Sim is a level 38 and she rocks out hard core. I love her <3

My less then nimble fingers have been hard at work creating and crafting the last few weeks. I've rolled out a few scarves, and currently jamming out several dish cloths in a wild variety of colors with my double ended crochet hook doing this weird shit called crochetnit. Sure, it’s simple but fun and well, I like it. Nuff said.

Then last week or so, Shawn dragged out the Christmas tree. I would have done more with the house but I spent the early part of this week fighting off death in the form of a wicked cold. Since I feel better, I took today to do some in home decorating, scrubbed the top of my range and have to watch my friend’s stepbrats for a couple of hours.

I will be helping the girl of the pair make a bookmark for my friend for Christmas. She is a nice kid, for the most part, unlike her truly asinine brother that I dislike. It’s not his fault he’s a douche. He lived with his biological meth-head mother for too long is all. He doesn’t know how t be normal.

So tonight is crafting and such for me and the girl. This week will have me baking a few goodies around the house. I have to get bread mix and make bread too. I love that smell!!! I have a coffee cake to make, some mini rolls and a few other things up my sleeve.

Amazingly enough, I have maintained my weight through this whole mess. I have not gained a pound with all the stress. Diet Coke is my BESTEST friend evar!!! Plus I have doing some Just Dance when I am not feeling like death and keeping busy with the dogs, the house hold stuff and life in general.

I have some Christmas shopping to finish up in the last few weeks. Lauren is SO not finished and I have to get a things for a few other people in my special “family”. (Special Family – Mike, Hope, Steph and her spouse Theo)

Otherwise, life is actually really good. Shawn and I aren’t fighting at all, except when he pushes me for secks. Yes, he wants the secks but I am holding back since it isn’t so great with him, LOL. The man couldn’t Dominate his way out of a wet paper bag. But otherwise, I’m very happy with him and enjoy our time hanging out. He’s like my best friend and stuff.

Oh speaking of “friends”…..

I was having a conversation and suddenly a former friend was brought up. Now, since I have no clue if the person bothers to read me or not, I will not name them. But the person was a topic with another person I know and that person asked if I had heard from my former friend. Now, the former and I have a friend in common and that person and I had also recently discussed my former friend. Former friend (from here referred to as FF) asked about me as well.

So since I know FF is around and online, instead of asking about me via 3rd party, why not contact me directly, right? Of course you wonder.. why aren’t you contacting FF yourself Theresa? Well see, I wasn’t the one that ended the friendship so after 2 previous attempts to speak to FF, I have left it to FF to figure life out and see if FF thinks I’m worthy of trying to salvage a relationship with. Given what I know and the current state of affairs, I will lay money down that FF won’t speak to me again.

So FF, if you are indeed reading this, I have this to say directly to you:

If you want to know anything about me, feel free to email me directly and ask me. Either you want to know me again or you just want to ask about me for the sake of knowing what I’m all about lately. I don’t hate you but really if you have time to use Facebook, Fetlife and other such things, you have time to email me instead of getting information from Mutual Friend. It takes 5 mins to write a quick email and ask to speak. Not too difficult if you ask me. I’ve done it. Mutual Friend and I have done it. It’s your turn.

Now, that having been said, the evil step kids will be here soon and I need to feed Lauren. She made the club volleyball team (a VERY elite group, tyvm) and has her first practice tonight.

Later taters!

Let me amend my former decency regarding my ex husband. He’s a flaming dickhead.

He was SUPPOSED to be here at 9am to take the kids to breakfast since I had plans at 1pm. He rolled his fucking ass into my drive at 11:10, not bothering to call until 10:22 this morning. I was livid. I realize he THINKS my schedule revolves around him but I told him point blank I was pissed.

“I would have thought you would respect my schedule since I allowed time for a visit that I didn’t have to do. I don’t appreciate you ignoring my plans so that you could just roll in whatever time you liked. If you were going to be late you should have the brains to call” was exactly how I greeted him. He said something that I ignored and I walked away leaving him standing in the rain. I give a fuck what his lame excuses are at this point. He’s my ex for a reason. He just reinforced that today with his selfish stupid behavior.

We were at my friend Steph’s house today for our 2nd Thanksgiving dinner. She made EVERYTHING save the scalloped corn, which by the way was a raging success.

Now I am finally able to relax and chill though tomorrow should prove interesting. I will explain that if/when my plans are set.

All I know is I am about turkey’d out for the year. Christmas.. I am not eating.

Yesterday turned out way better then I had imagined it might.

I was up at the crack of dawn cooking. I had to make the double portion of green bean casserole, my famous scalloped corn that Hope craves every holiday and then to top it all off, it was also Hope’s 37th birthday! I ended up making a cake as well, which totally surprised her :)

Lauren’s father is in town and of course wanted time with her. I let Lauren make the judgement call on that, as I frankly don’t care anymore. Per our custody arrangement, I don’t have to give him time if he doesn’t give me 14 days notice he will be in town, but with her age and such, I leave those choices up to her. As long as he respects our plans (if we have them) I let her sort it out and do her thing.

It worked to my advantage this year as she needed a dress for the Winter Semi Formal. She has a date and just needed the dress. As you know if you’ve been reading me, I don’t have a job right now and I still am not getting unemployment. So having the sperm donor take her out was perfect. They went Black Friday shopping. I hope they got everything she needed. I’ve not asked nor will I until I see her today.

Adding to that, I got Caleb last night! Again, if you’ve been reading me for any length of time, Caleb is my ex’s adopted son. His mother, Dawn, passed 7 yrs ago due to pancreatic cancer. My ex adopted him and I treat him how Dawn would have wanted me to, like my OWN son. She treated Lauren like her own daughter. It’s the least I could do.

So I have Caleb tonight again so the kids can spend time together and so Lauren’s bestie Amy can see him. (She’s head over heels in love with him!)

The sperm donor and I managed to get a long for the entire time he was there (he was there twice) and talked about the pending volleyball season with the club team. Lauren has one more try out and then we wait to find out for sure that she has made it. It affects his visitation for the summer and we had to be sure there wouldn’t be issues. He has assured me he will be happy to come here and arrange time when it will work best for her.

Dinner was wonderful. We ended up with a grand total of 12 in their house at one time or another, and add to that a total of 6 dogs. It was fantastic and well worth being there for a good chunk of the night.

Today has found my boys on the roof helping with Christmas lights since the weather is decent enough. Lauren is due home soon so she can hang out with her brother and get Amy here. We will be heading out for a few things over at Steph’s then I get to come back here and prepare another round of my scalloped corn for “Thanksgiving” dinner tomorrow at Stephanie’s.

It’s a LONG hectic weekend but I’m so glad I’m not sitting at home doing nothing but instead running all over creation with my kids and friends.

I’ve struggled long and hard the last 6 weeks. I couldn’t mind to be thankful for, then I looked at my sister, my children, my friends and my life and realized I am far better off then many this season. I have all the basics to live and a couple of luxuries.

I also have my blog and the few readers that follow me. You may say little or nothing at all, but you read, you keep up and that means more then I can say.

Thank you! I am thankful for you all and hope my American followers had a nice holiday and my other readers have a great weekend!

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
I was very stunned this morning to find out as I read Google Reader, I had been given the Versatile Blogger Award from kaya. Stunned and speechless.

In the several years I have blogged, I have seen various awards go around but never gotten one for myself. Color me surprised!

So now I have to issue it forth to others!

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

1. I’m terrified of the dark. I can’t take the dogs out at night.
2. I used to be a stripper, when I had the body for it.
3. The very smell of cigarette smoke launches me into anxiety attacks.
4. I spend more time away from the computer then I ever used to. It’s not normal for me
5. I am addicted to the stupid Sims Social game on Facebook.
6. I am still hopelessly in love with a man I can never have.
7. I hate that I had to medicate my youngest to make him more like everyone else and what society accepts.

3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.
So many of the blogs I read are already nominated more then once. So I will choose blogs that are flying under the radar so to speak.

1. Chaosperfected’s Journey
2. Rupert
3. Subtle Times – She’s Switched!!!!
4. Submissive Guide
5. Master Dreams Precious Treasure
6. Amorous Rocker
7. Southern Diva
8. Long Distance Sub
9. Slave kk
10. Rayne
11. Rainy Day Review
12. Kirana
13. Masshole Mommy
14. Shut The Front Door
15. YOU!

Some of these are BDSM bloggers, some are not. Some are just your average every day person that just share wonderful things. I found these blogs to be important to me on some level or another. I wanted to share what made me happy, who I looked forward to seeing in my feed on my reader and things I truly thought others would enjoy.

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

I will but I won’t. Some of them will know by reading here, others will get emails but most likely won’t care or respond.

Either way I am beyond humbled by kaya she thought of me.

Happy Holidays to my American readers. To all else, enjoy your week!

.. more regular posting!

“ZOMG SHE’S POSTING….. AGAIN!”

Inorite!!!

I am posting a lot lately. I’m not posting a lot of substance but I’m here and I’m posting fairly regularly.

I’m reading more and more and trying to figure out how to get myself more domestic. I can look all around my house and see probably 100 things that need attention. I bet if I brought my mother in she would see 1000. (But who’s counting, right?) But I am very aware of the fact that I’m NOT the world’s best housekeeper.

With winter quickly advancing and me not working, I’m trying to tackle sections of the house each day. Most times none are related to the other unless I see something that needs my attention when I am already working on one spot. So I am slowly going systematically through each room, each section of each room and each container in each section of each room and cleaning, organizing and disposing of crap that just seems to show up out of the clear blue sky.

I have a VERY small house. Ask Deb. She can testify. It’s tiny! So maximizing space is essential and keeping clutter down even more so. I am seriously considering moving my crafting things to my closet to maximize space in the living room. But then I would have no where for my purse tote (which houses shoes as well) to go in the closet. So I am trying to downsize things I don’t need (like all these purses) and use the space wisely for the things I truly love and want to keep. It’s hard to part with some of this stuff but I have to and will, regardless. (And no, I will not get rid of my skull purse. Lauren is just waiting for me to give it to her, SOOOOO not going to happen)

So I think next week it will be the living room.

This will include but is not limited to:

• the hutch
• the craft area
• the book case
• the small storage container next to the hutch
• the computer “dresser”
• the dreaded hall closet!!!! (which I hate)

Let’s just hope I can actually get off my lazy ass and get it done :)

I am thinking of taking before and after pictures of a few things but since I don’t really like to post pictures of the house, I am divided on that. If you see pictures, you know I changed my mind.

As for now, I am going to enjoy the last bit of today’s freedom before the kids get home. The time flies when you lay around and do nothing all day.

How does a submissive that’s lost track of her place in the lifestyle reconnect?

Without an active partner, I find it hard to identify with the needs I have. I can’t really act on them.

When you find yourself struggling with your submissive/slave identity, how do you reconnect?

That word causes turmoil every where it is mentioned. We all know someone who tried it, did it or we were the ones who did it.

I fall into all 3 categories.

I’ve lost friends to suicide. I have tried it and I know others who have as well.

My daughter recently used that word in reference to herself. Recently as in, last night.

I woke to the phone ringing at 10pm last night to a friend of hers calling me asking me to check on her. The boy, C, has an older sister with mental health issues so when Lauren made a reference to suicide, he asked if she had a plan. She indeed did. I know this because he forwarded the text messages to my cell phone.

I had a VERY long discussion with her this morning. Her thoughts on suicide were about a year ago when her father, Douchebag, and I were fighting and her adopted brother Caleb was caught in the middle of some pretty ugly things going on with Douche and his biological father.

I took the word very seriously as did her friend C. I was concerned. The mother of C called me since she was concerned and her son hadn’t slept most of the night sick with worry over Lauren. She got a hard case of “WTF” this morning and learned that suicide isn’t a word that is thrown about lightly or easily.

I am not done discussing it with her and she has lost her internet privileges for the time being and her cell phone. Today was a rough day with little sleep last night, talking to her this morning and trying to figure out how to handle the situation. I trust her when she says the thoughts weren’t recent. She has it good right now.

Her grades are the best they have been in years, she has tons of friends and she has several boys tripping over themselves to get her attention. She has been asked by 3 boys at our school to Winter Formal and asked to 2 other formals at other schools by friend’s sons. She excels at volleyball and is smarter then she gives herself credit. No, life isn’t perfect but in comparison to many, she is doing damn good. She appreciates the small things, is kind, polite and funny as hell.

I ended up on the phone with her father for about an hour today trying to explain to him that he has a percentage of the blame (without actually BLAMING him) and to make him take stock in his dwindling relationship with her. Hopefully, something will come from talking to him today, but I won’t hold my breath. It never lasts. He forgets as soon as he’s done talking to her.

I think the worst is over but obviously there will be some more talking going on in the VERY near future. For now, I will struggle with the best ways to approach the situation and her and hope that my own experiences will assist and help her find her way through whatever is ailing her.

I have spent almost the ENTIRE day in my kitchen and I’ve not cooked a single thing. I toasted a bagel but that’s about it.

I have literally cleaned EVERY cupboard I have inside and out then reorganized them all. That should properly fuck them all up when putting away dishes and trying to find things. :D

The refrigerator is next on my list of things to totally violate today as well. It needs a thorough cleaning and such inside and out. I think my family thinks I am possessed. They are all avoiding me, which is probably a good thing.

Last night we had Mike and Hope out to play cards. Hope had asked earlier in the day if bringing Jake (a young co worker of Mike’s) out with them was fine. He’s a very nice kid so I said “Sure, but please tell me his g/f isn’t coming”. Hope didn’t think so, therefore I wasn’t too worried.

Well, when they all showed up, the g/f was with them. Now, I guess in my older age I am way more uppity about things then I used to be, but she threw Jake out, fucked around on him and used him. I personally can’t stand the snaggle toothed cow but, hey I’m not fucking her so…. anyway..

Shawn made a comment this morning that it seemed obvious that I didn’t like her. I thought I played it pretty nice last night so I will have to ask Hope if I came across as a cunt, lol. But it’s not like I care if I did.

I spent the early part of the day with Steph again. We did some of her shopping and I was able to hit the grocery store for a few things to tide us over until next pay.

All in all really, it’s been a good weekend. I am being productive as hell so that my coming week can be lazier and more laid back. I still have household stuff that will get done daily but in all honesty, the kitchen really needed this overhaul. I’ve been a terrible house keeper with working, managing the kids and basically not wanting to clean. I think even my mother would be impressed :D