How does a submissive that’s lost track of her place in the lifestyle reconnect?

Without an active partner, I find it hard to identify with the needs I have. I can’t really act on them.

When you find yourself struggling with your submissive/slave identity, how do you reconnect?

That word causes turmoil every where it is mentioned. We all know someone who tried it, did it or we were the ones who did it.

I fall into all 3 categories.

I’ve lost friends to suicide. I have tried it and I know others who have as well.

My daughter recently used that word in reference to herself. Recently as in, last night.

I woke to the phone ringing at 10pm last night to a friend of hers calling me asking me to check on her. The boy, C, has an older sister with mental health issues so when Lauren made a reference to suicide, he asked if she had a plan. She indeed did. I know this because he forwarded the text messages to my cell phone.

I had a VERY long discussion with her this morning. Her thoughts on suicide were about a year ago when her father, Douchebag, and I were fighting and her adopted brother Caleb was caught in the middle of some pretty ugly things going on with Douche and his biological father.

I took the word very seriously as did her friend C. I was concerned. The mother of C called me since she was concerned and her son hadn’t slept most of the night sick with worry over Lauren. She got a hard case of “WTF” this morning and learned that suicide isn’t a word that is thrown about lightly or easily.

I am not done discussing it with her and she has lost her internet privileges for the time being and her cell phone. Today was a rough day with little sleep last night, talking to her this morning and trying to figure out how to handle the situation. I trust her when she says the thoughts weren’t recent. She has it good right now.

Her grades are the best they have been in years, she has tons of friends and she has several boys tripping over themselves to get her attention. She has been asked by 3 boys at our school to Winter Formal and asked to 2 other formals at other schools by friend’s sons. She excels at volleyball and is smarter then she gives herself credit. No, life isn’t perfect but in comparison to many, she is doing damn good. She appreciates the small things, is kind, polite and funny as hell.

I ended up on the phone with her father for about an hour today trying to explain to him that he has a percentage of the blame (without actually BLAMING him) and to make him take stock in his dwindling relationship with her. Hopefully, something will come from talking to him today, but I won’t hold my breath. It never lasts. He forgets as soon as he’s done talking to her.

I think the worst is over but obviously there will be some more talking going on in the VERY near future. For now, I will struggle with the best ways to approach the situation and her and hope that my own experiences will assist and help her find her way through whatever is ailing her.

I have spent almost the ENTIRE day in my kitchen and I’ve not cooked a single thing. I toasted a bagel but that’s about it.

I have literally cleaned EVERY cupboard I have inside and out then reorganized them all. That should properly fuck them all up when putting away dishes and trying to find things.

The refrigerator is next on my list of things to totally violate today as well. It needs a thorough cleaning and such inside and out. I think my family thinks I am possessed. They are all avoiding me, which is probably a good thing.

Last night we had Mike and Hope out to play cards. Hope had asked earlier in the day if bringing Jake (a young co worker of Mike’s) out with them was fine. He’s a very nice kid so I said “Sure, but please tell me his g/f isn’t coming”. Hope didn’t think so, therefore I wasn’t too worried.

Well, when they all showed up, the g/f was with them. Now, I guess in my older age I am way more uppity about things then I used to be, but she threw Jake out, fucked around on him and used him. I personally can’t stand the snaggle toothed cow but, hey I’m not fucking her so…. anyway..

Shawn made a comment this morning that it seemed obvious that I didn’t like her. I thought I played it pretty nice last night so I will have to ask Hope if I came across as a cunt, lol. But it’s not like I care if I did.

I spent the early part of the day with Steph again. We did some of her shopping and I was able to hit the grocery store for a few things to tide us over until next pay.

All in all really, it’s been a good weekend. I am being productive as hell so that my coming week can be lazier and more laid back. I still have household stuff that will get done daily but in all honesty, the kitchen really needed this overhaul. I’ve been a terrible house keeper with working, managing the kids and basically not wanting to clean. I think even my mother would be impressed

… I thought what better reason to use my blog again….. Right?

So since I am home all damn day, doing lots of domestic stuff, I thought I should start posting since I plan on keeping my blog. Sure, I will have to save up to keep it but I think maybe I can manage the expense.

I’m slowly starting to read more on Fetlife again. I want to see how the other half lives. Of course, I just look at that lucky cunt kaya (i luff you!) and wish I was her!

So now I’m reading most posts, cruising Fetlife quietly (I don’t say much there, I read a lot) and MANY domestic service type blogs to get my head wrapped around doing more at the house on our new tighter budget and making things work better for everyone. I saw the thing for making my own toilet bowl cleaner and I am reorganizing the entire kitchen next week. I need kaya to figure out the liquid version of the homemade laundry soap so I can get a copy of it from her and then I have to make my own fabric softener too. I want to cut costs where I can and maximize everything possible. Suggestions are welcome!!!!

I’m cooking a lot more too. So I’m searching for crock pot recipes and simple things that make a good amount for little cost and with minimal ingredients. Speaking of which, I have a good sloppy joe recipe (which most have heard of I think) that I’m willing to share with anyone that wants it. Just comment here and I’ll share

So now I am working towards refining my domestic attitude and abilities. I was never one for a spotless house but now I can’t stand to look at the dog hair, laundry and general disorder of my very small home. I am systematically working towards downsizing the things I don’t need, cleaning out clothes that no longer fit anyone and storing the summer things away in the tubs the winter things were in. Speaking of winter, I got my fleece pj bottom’s out. Oh man I hate the cold but <3 these damn pants!!!

So the kinky mom is becoming more domestic. Always looking for new friends, new ideas and ways to make life a bit more relaxed. Hit me with your best shot!

Thanks to Bonnie @ My Bottom Smarts! for starting this special day for bloggers.

If I have any, please feel free to leave a comment (email addresses are hidden and won’t be shared) and say HI! No matter how long you’ve read, how you found me or what you think, please let me know you exist. It helps me feel like my writing matters to someone other then me.

If you aren’t a lurker but you’ve not commented in a while, take this opportunity to say hello again

The last several days have been full of ups and downs.

First, let’s start with Logan’s appointment. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to afford it since I recently lost my medical insurance. After talking to the office manager, I am making payments for the visit. The Dr and others found me help in getting the medication paid for by the company that makes Vyvanse. I won’t be paying for his medication for the first year. I am -SO- incredibly thankful. I would have done anything to pay for it, including letting my internet/phone/cable tv go. It’s not about me, it’s about what my children need and Logan REALLY needs this medication.

If you know or have a child with ADHD and you find other medication isn’t working, please take a look at Vyanse.

I was kidnapped yesterday by Stephanie to assist in her Christmas shopping. I was picked up at 1pm and not returned home until 10pm. I spent a total of 9 hrs out with her (along with Lauren and Amy) and OMG am I hurting today. My poor feet and knees are a wicked mess. We cruised all over our local mall, Toys R Us, Lowe’s, ABC Warehouse and TJ Maxx. I have NEVER shopped so much in my entire life… ever. I am doing it all over again next Saturday. I am a masochist, does it show?

Lauren is fighting off a wicked cold. She feels like absolute crap. She dosed on Nyquil last night and Dayquil today. It’s about the only way she can function. Logan had his buddy Ryan over and they have taken over my Wii for the morning. I don’t mind. Everyone is happy and it gives me time to post here and update.

I found yarn to knit Stephanie a scarf, thanks to her basically picking it out herself without knowing its for her. I found a nice purple for myself since I’m the only one without a handmade scarf. Personally, I’d like to learn to make a shawl but I don’t have the patience just yet for that.

I have spent the last couple of days (before the weekend) cleaning like crazy. Deb can testify, she heard me doing it. Tomorrow I start on the kitchen and tear it apart to get it clean. I’m working through a great deal of internal stress and emotions. I need the cleaning to help me get to where I need to be.

I dealt with a lot of anxiety last night, after shopping. Our Ford Explorer (the poor beast) needed the front brakes done. They had all but gone out on Shawn while driving. Needless to say, they were actually seized up. Good thing he wasn’t killed in the process of driving the damn thing. The anxiety came from the fact that the parts that were required to fix the entire brake system cost around $275. Stephanie’s husband Theo, (whom Shawn used to work with) paid for it all. When Shawn told me the news, I broke into a deep sobbing cry against him and instantly started calculating when I could start paying them back and how much I could afford. I was promptly informed it was a Christmas present. My jaw hit the floor and I started sobbing even harder. Plus I was informed that the family and I were doing dinner with them tonight as well.

It is times like this I wonder what I have done to deserve good people in my life. I am not the best person, best mother or best wife. I am not always patient, kind and considerate. I don’t give until it hurts and I do put my own needs first very often. I pay my bills and such but then I look to what I can squeak out for a treat for myself. (Even if it is only a medium fry and chocolate shake from McD”s once in a while).

I am not an overly religious person but it was this instance that reminded me that things work in their own way. So due to that, I say this:

Thank You Lord. I am not worthy to receive such kindness and generosity from those around me. Thank You for blessing with a wonderful loving sister in Deb, kind and understanding friends like Stephanie and Theo and Your love and blessings. I will do my best to pay it forward and give to others when and where I can afford it. Thank You for the helping hand when I needed it most. You reminded me of the good and special things in life, when I thought my world would come crashing down around me my feet.

That having been said, I have to meet a young man that wants to date my daughter soon, get a shower and clean up around the house before we have dinner with our friends and plan out my week of cleaning. I am also starting to figure out how I will pay to renew my blog. At this point it’s one of the only outlets I have and I will NOT let it go. I need this space more then I knew and I’ll be damned if I will sacrifice it so easily.

So I’ve been busy, obviously.

Lauren’s team did well for their season. I think they ended up 9-3 on the season. The varsity team is in districts and she is supposed to help with that. She could care less at this point since she can’t be punished for not helping anymore. I hated her coach. She was a royal cunt.

Dead Frog try outs are coming up in about a month. She will make a team and its a 6mth season. So yet again, my life will revolve around volleyball. The season will end just before school is out then its right back into conditioning for the next season at school. She is forgoing her visit to her dads this summer so she can focus on her athletic conditioning and hopefully taking drivers education at some point too.

Logan is doing rather well. We see the pediatrician Nov 4 and will get him on medication VERY soon. We are looking to put him on Vyvanse. I pray it works as well as others have told me. Logan is wonderful but he’s driving me crazy lately, especially since I don’t work right now. (Long story for another time)

As for me personally, I’ve completed 2 scarves in the last few weeks, working on a cross stitch piece and looking for more smut to add to my Kindle. If any of you digital readers has any good book suggestions (any even if its not smut) please let me know. I have Calibre to convert to the format I need for my Kindle. I’m running low on things to read, or re read for the upteenthtime.

I got really lucky recently. I found a wireless keyboard and mouse set by Logitech on clearance for only $9.99, regular price $59.99. Then I needed a mouse for my new netbook (lucky slut that I am someone gave me one FREE) and at the same place I got the above mentioned set, I got a cool looking wireless mouse for only $5.99 normal price of $24.99. Then I got a 4GB flash drive for $8 normally $12.99. I thought I did good on that one until my friend Steph got a 16GB from Walmart for only $10. Lucky!!!! I didn’t see that one but she must have found it somewhere.

All in all, I’ve been doing well. I tend to clean more then I have in ages, which is a good thing since I’m bored and little else to do. I spend my free time on Facebook playing that damn Sims Social game. Kitten plays as well as Deb so I have a few friends on there to help and they help me.

Shawn got me Just Dance 3 for my birthday and I’m working to that most days as well my as my EA Active 2 that I picked up earlier this year. I actually put on 7lbs at my previous job so now I’m working to get it all off and then some.

Almost time to get the kids and Deb is waiting for me on Sims Social. *squee*

Later taters!

I got my 90 day renewal notice the other day. It set me to thinking…..

Why pay for a blog I rarely use? I have nothing to really talk about, no one to share my life with and basically, I post (lately) out of guilt.

Then I started looking around at the other blog sites. Did you know that Sake of Sanity is taken on blogger and wordpress????? Neither of them are mine either. That sorta bothers me considering I’ve been around a LOT longer then either of them.

So..

I can:

• pay for a spot on DeadJournal (or try to get a code from someone who has one)
• Go to blogger with a totally different name
• Go to WordPress with a totally different name
• Or just figure out how during the freaking Christmas season to pay for my blog

The thing that sucks is that if I go and get a new name, I can’t customize at wordpress like I can Blogger, but I’ve had Blogger before but I hate it.

Sooooooooooo

Time to start figuring out where to cut corners and save up for the domain name renewal and then the hosting package! Maybe I’ll get a Fairy DaddyDom to take care of it for me!!

It’s been rather quiet around here.

Well actually that’s a total lie. It’s so busy I can barely keep up. I’m too busy being Mom to do much else. Just ask Deb, we only get a call in once a week because the rest of the time I’m too damn tired from running around with the kids. (Or playing Sims Social on FB, my current guilty pleasure, to which Deb is my BFF on there in game!!)

Lauren has been killing it on the jv volleyball team. They are undefeated so far, with half the season left.

Logan got diagnosed with ADHD (which I knew was coming) and will go on a trial of meds Nov 4.

I spent Friday night in the er with THIS and still feel like hammered shit from it. I’m on a med, and seeing my Dr today for follow up, although they couldn’t be bothered to return my 3 calls on Friday.

The only highlight to my whole weekend was our local varsity football team won Friday, MSU, UofM, CMU and WMU all won on Saturday and then .. Lions and Tigers and Redwings .. OH MY!!! all won on Sunday.

The Lions are 4-0 for the first time since 1980. That’s a true accomplishment right there.

Now I’m off to attempt to go to work. This should be fun!

I would say I don’t feel it but I spent the weekend helping Lauren with volleyball.

I hurt in places I didn’t know still functioned.

Growing old.. sucks.

Happy lonely birthday to me.

I wish my sister was here.