I feel forgotten.

But together, I can’t clearly hear your voice anymore. I can see your image but it’s blurry.

When did things change?

It seems it’s been weeks since we’ve had a moment to just talk and enjoy a normal conversation. Have you noticed? Does it matter?

I lost my smile. I don’t know how to find it.

Help.

I saw this and thought of Emma and Jake.

I’m so going to hell.

For Jake since he likes footie pajamas!

I should be putting on my makeup. I should be finishing up so I can leave on time. I should be doing a lot of things that I’m not.

Logan started a process of testing. More on this later.

I’m taking the kids to the beach on July 19th. Screw everything I need the break and so do the kids.

Lauren leaves Monday for volleyball camp for 3 days. All she and Shawn have done is fight since she got back from Ohio.

Personal life = non existent. Go figure, no change there. Though I am having a lunch with an old friend next week.

Meh..

I’m taking a page from Masshole Mommy. She recently posted a few things and I thought since I’m not posting much, I would use her stuff to motivate me to post.

10 Things You Don’t Know About Me:

1. My Kindle hasn’t left my side since I got it. I will find any excuse to read it. I use the dictionary function constantly, especially at work.

2. I am allergic to bees/wasps. Like, deathly. I don’t carry an epi pen either.

3. When my kids leave rooms and close doors, I freak. I hate having the house closed up at all. It drives me batty.

4. Extending on #3, I also can’t stand when the kids leave lights on or when the kids turn their ceiling fans off.

5. I tell folks my father is dead, though he is very much alive. I only wish he was dead, given the circumstances.

6. I sleep with a small desk fan on .. every day. I can’t sleep without the white noise or the gentle movement of air, regardless of the time of year.

7. I am neurotically early to everything. If I run late, it is generally because I had no control over the situation. It doesn’t happen often either. I leave early to anticipate problems, even just driving the couple of miles to work.

8. I was a massive Mt Dew/Coke drinker, but I’ve gone to the diet side. Diet Mt Dew or Coke Zero/Cherry Coke Zero is all I drink. I gave it up, really!

9. I have 5 tattoos and want at least one more.

10. I have an addiction to downloading books, even if I’m not sure I will read them. I can’t go a single day without finding a book that I MAY just want to read, so I download it even if I don’t add it to my Kindle.

*bonus #11 – I hate when folks just SHOW UP too, drives me batty! I want to slam the door in their faces and go back to my recliner!

Guilty Pleasures:

1. Sour Twizzlers, yanno the stuffed ones? O M G I can eat the entire bag! Srsly, good stuff!

2. Tangy Carolina BBQ Chips yet another evil concoction that tempts me beyond words. Easily the best thing since sour cream & onion chips!

3. A&E Hoarders. I don’t know why I watch it but I can’t miss an episode. It makes me get up and purge my house of anything I don’t use. I just dumped out 10 pairs of shoes for Goodwill because of it.

4. Brad Pitt. Sorry I admit it, I have a crush.. still. I don’t care what the media says, or anything. The man is just too fine for words. I like to watch him in Interview with a Vampire or Legends of the Fall. The man just has SOMETHING.

5. Historical Romance movies/books. Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet in “Sense & Sensibility” is a favorite of mine. Kirsten Dunst in “Marie Antoinette” was another. Gwyneth Paltrow in “Emma” with that hottie Jeremy Northam. Now add those horrible Joanne Lindsey type romance novels and I’m drowning in historical happiness.

I’m not too hard to please obviously. It doesn’t take much. I’m also a shop a holic for my Amazon wishlist. I have so much junk on there that I had to weed things down or convert things from books to eBooks for my Kindle.

Now I can go back to my marathon of laziness!

I cried because this describes so much of how I feel lately.

You.. yes you, you know who you are….

This made me think of what is going on….

Apocalyptica – Not Strong Enough ft. Brent Smith from thenwo on Vimeo.

Listen to the lyrics, listen to them closely.

It is true.. all of it is true.

Day 16 – Song You Used To Love But Now Hate:

Lord almighty, I hate this song, actually always have! Love Tim, but this just rubs me raw

Day 17 – Song You Hear Often On The Radio:

I actually love this song!

Day 18 – Song You Wish You Heard On The Radio:

There’s no video for it, but it’s one by an old band that toured in the 1990s called School Boy Crush. They were amazing.

Day 19 – Song From Your Favorite Album:

I love classical music. I love the modern twist that is put to this long time favorite of mine. I wish I had this CD. I’ll have to track down the tracks for my mp3 player.

Day 20 – Song You Listen To When You’re Angry:

I’ve listened to this 3x today. I’ve had a hell of a day. Dave is just a genius. Then.. there’s something about the double bass drum beat that just .. gets me

Day 21 – Song You Listen To When You’re Happy:

This is the ONLY version of this song I like.

Day 22 – Song You Listen To When You’re Sad:

I’m always afraid I’ll hit this point and I don’t want to, ever.

Day 23 – Song To Play At Your Wedding:

I VERY SERIOUSLY doubt I’ll ever get married again, but this is the song I would want to dance to with my husband. I would be lucky to find a real love that has the potential to last.

Day 24 – Song To Play At Your Funeral:

Day 25 – Song That Makes You Laugh:

OR

Both of these are so much fun to sing!

Day 26 – Song You can Play On An Instrument:

Yes I really can, on the flute.

Day 27 – Song You Wish You Could Play:

Day 28 – Song That Makes You Feel Guilty:

Somehow this song tells me I didn’t live up to my potential.

Day 29 – Song From Your Childhood:

Bob Seger was the mainstay of my childhood. I could turn him on the record player and I was lost in his voice, singing along and forgetting that I was hated by my father, unwanted by so many and forgotten among kids at school.

Day 30 – Favorite Song From A Year Ago:

Sometimes I feel like I am failing and this song embodied how I felt a year ago and still feel sometimes.

This finally concludes the 30 Days Of Song Challenge I started a long time ago. Some of these songs are still daily reminders of the life I lead, and won’t change. I don’t give up easily on things and I’m still clinging to the notion that life, my life .. will somehow turn out how I dream it should.

No offense to any one that is a Canucks fan or lives in Vancouver but damn folks, get a grip. Talk about sore losing.

Seriously?

100 new ones sprouted this morning.

Lauren just became a high school freshman.

Yes I have been. I’ve posted nothing of myself, my life or really anything of substance in far too long. I wasn’t so much as told I should post but I would say that it has been noticed I’ve not posted much but fluff in a while. So I’m going to try to correct that.

Beware, this may be a two parter.

As for myself, I love my new job. The hours are regular, the pay is better and the environment is much better to work in. I work in a local hardware store (giggle) and I’m just the cashier. I’m not expected to carry out, manage a clothing department, run all over the store and get things for anyone. I am expected to run the new computer POS program better then anyone, find things that need work, correct prices in the master program and run the phone perfectly.

Piece of cake!

Logan is finishing up baseball for the year, thank goodness. During the last few months, his teacher has noticed a decline in his classroom behavior. At baseball, I see a child that can’t seem to stand still or pay attention. His father finally noticed things that I have been trying to get him to see for a couple of years. I think Logan is ADD or ADHD. After the school year is over, I plan on getting him with the pediatrician to get him looked at. The teacher and I have done the “Conners Test” for Logan. The link only shows a portion of what the questions are but you get the idea. I’ve done one, the teacher has, and Shawn has. We should get an idea what they think soon and I’ll be taking that to my Dr for some ideas.

Lauren is doing well. Her school work isn’t the best but even with the help of a tutor (which has cost me dearly) there has been little to much improvement in her math. She got better help from a friend then her tutor and teacher. Volleyball is soon to take over again. She has summer conditioning starting the week after school is out. Lauren has opted to go to her father’s for 2 weeks (long story) and will miss some of the conditioning (6 days) and will miss 2 more in July when she goes to the WMU Volleyball Camp sponsored at the local university. She will get to spend 3 days and 2 nights on campus with the university team. I think it one of the best experiences she could get. It is costing a pretty penny but I forced her father to cough up half.

Shawn is .. Shawn. We are still just coexisting and thankfully it’s quiet. We have our moments but for the most part, I just treat him with a quiet respect and he does the same.

The kids were able to go to the Indy 500 over the Memorial Day weekend. See Part 2 (probably next week) for the story on that. Oh and the story on Lauren’s pending visit to her fathers.

As for me, I am just me. I work, I have Tuesdays off, I’ve lost 15lbs total so far and plateaued. I need to get back in gear to work on the rest of it. I am officially down to a size 18 and can wear some of my XL shirts comfortably, which I couldn’t do before. I was thick in places that made XXL more comfy. Now I am able to wear things I actually feel PRETTY in and not just comfortable in. I still have a long way to go and I won’t stop until I hit my goal.

My personal life is quiet. I still go to munches (though I’ve missed a few) and I still am trying to become active in the bsdm community. It is a slow process and with having kids, it makes it hard. If Shawn was an understanding though vanilla partner, it would make it easier but for now I have to basically sneak around just to go to the restaurant and hang out with my kinky friends. I don’t like doing that but I need a social life. Mike and Hope are great, don’t get me wrong but I need MORE!

For now, I just exist quietly. My Kindle is my best friend and currently I’m on book 8 of the Sookie Stackhouse novels. Have I mentioned that I’m completely in lust with Eric Northman? LOL

If ANYONE (ahem ahem kaya mija, deb) have eReader books to share, I’m so ready. Deb hooked me up with a program (FREE) that converts ANY format to the one I want for my Kindle! (Kaya if you want this program, let me know). So now I read every night before bed, and I devour books I’ve not read in years all over again, like they were new.

Now I have to finish getting ready for work or else I’m going to be late, and I can’t risk that or else I get in trouble :D